A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi.So this is my story, i'm 18 years old. I live with my parents and my older brother but it hasn't always been like this. When i was a baby my mom couldn't take care of me because she worked and she didn't want to leave it so her sister took care of me for the first 4 years of my life and we lived at my grandparents house in a small town away from my where my parents and brother lived.I have to say I was very happy there, my uncles, aunts and grandparents were too caring with me and they technically raised me so when i was 4 mom took me away from my aunt and i started kindergarden in the city. It was very hard for me because i really missed being with my aunt and i kept visiting my aunt every weekend and would go there when i was off from school and i still didn't see my mom much because she worked much but then i started spending much time with my dad and we got very close, it was a good relationship but now its all different and i don't know why.My dad got a new job and then things started to changed because i didn't see him as much and we got distant from each other but i still know he loves me and that never changes.With my mother it is different, we've never had a relationship in fact. I've always felt she rejects me and treats me different than my brother. She's always yelling at me and saying hurtful things to me. Even though i'm a straight A student she calls me mediocre and lazy and she's always making things hard for me.Its nothing like temporary or anything because she's always been like this to me since i have a memory. I never understood why but it really hurts me, she treats me like i'm her worst enemy and she almost never gives me money to spend because she thinks i need to save from what she gives me every 2 weeks but she gives my brother money anytime he asks for it and he doesn't have to make any chores but i do, she makes me clean and if i don't she just yells at me and won't give me money for the rest of the month.I've always felt hurt by the way she treats me. I'm about to go to college and i have some problems to decide what to study and she's been very hard on me. She just says she'll kick me out of home if i don't go to college this year and i feel very stressed about it. My brother quitted school a year ago and he lived at home without workin and studying for a long while and she said she was proud of him.I don't know why she treats me like she does but its very hard for me, sometimes i feel like leaving home because i'm tired of this, its always been like this.She's never happy with me and i feel like i'm not good enough for her. I'm graduating from high school this year with excellent grades but she thinks i'm lazy and mediocre and i'm wasting my life.I think myself as a good child but i don't know what is it that makes her act like this with me.I've never felt she loves me and she knows how i feel because we've talked about it before but she thinks she's right and i'm wrong.I don't know what to do, i got nowhere to go and i feel so lonely. If my boyfriend wasn't so supportive i don't know where i'd be now. Any advice will be appreciated. Thanks for reading my question.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2011): First I'd like to say that I'm totally with you, she has no right to do this, but at the same time think that you have a boyfriend, and your dad even though he's working but you can talk to him, and try your best to think about what will you be doing, you're an A student but there's something you're really good at ,something that might get you out of all of this. So what you need to do is to think about all of this in the positive way, what will be positive if you go this year to college, get on with your dad, and I'm sure that things will be much much better. Best luck
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (31 May 2011):
 How will you fund college? Is there any threat that your funds to attend college are dependent on your Mom's good will?
If so I suggest you get a part time job and start saving hard.
Is there any government support that might make it easier for you to leave home and fund college?
Could you ask your Mom if she and you could start some action with a mediator or a counsellor to get your relationship with each other to a more positive footing?
Let your Mom know how much you want this relationship with each other to improve.
But what if your Mom is disparaging and fails to see the need to improve the relationship?
Could you ask your Dad if he could act as the mediator in the middle?
Pour your heart out to your Dad to explore what is possible to improve this sad situation.
If neither parent sees the need to be supportive then would you be prepared to work with a counsellor by yourself? You might learn some coping strategies that could help you adjust to the unfainess of it all.
Can you talk this over with your Aunt? Would she be supportive and willing to
allow you to do that? Could you stay with your Aunt for six months (paying towards the cost of staying with your Aunt, of course)
Is your mother jealous of the years she lost (of your infantcy) when your Aunt cared for you? That may put a spanner in the works.
Although I do not agree with parents who favor one child over others, I am very certain that it does happen.
And it would appear that your mother is forgiving and indulgent to your brother, and not to you.
If you have and are prepared to do everything possible to improve this situation, then the Worst Case Scenario may have to be considered, namely:
After all these years (and if you feel you have tried everything to resolve this) then it may come to pass that you may be left feeling very sorry that your mother's attitude may never soften.
If you have talked things over with her and yet your mother is still unmoved by your pleas, then it maybe that Deep down your Mom's Deep Well of Guilt over how she discarded you for four years has eaten away into her to the point where she now has to find excuses to not like you. This is to mask how she cannot face what she did to you.
If this is the case then I am not even certain that she would change even if you offered understanding and empathy and told her you forgive her for abandoning you.
Don't guage what your brother receives, while you do not, as equating love or lack of love. All it represents is poor judgement by your Mom.
If her heart has hardened, as it appears, then get some counselling to help you cope with the pain and perhaps guilt of making your own way in the world, not expecting support from your mother, and probably never receiving it, either.
If your mother continues to undermine you and fails to support you then counselling may help you come to terms with the unfairness of it all. But the end result is that you will go on to build your own support network. You may have to learn to trust others.
And if you are determined to go on to succeed in your life, whether your Mom believes you can, or not, then I have no doubt that this will be a motivating force in your life, as you go on to greater things.
Very best wishes for your future.
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