A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:TL/DR; My stepdad verbally abuses my mom, lives a double life (straight married man to cross-dressing gay man), and my mom is scared to kick him out because he's psychotic and has a history of making bombs in his earlier years (She's afraid he'll bomb her house.) Any advice is welcome.My mom and stepdad lived together for 2-3 years, and got married in 2018. Last year, she found out he's been cheating and with men. My stepdad comes off as a proud macho man, but we both realize this is just a front, so people don't question his sexuality. She now believes he married her to help him appear more straight in public. They have no marriage now, understandably. He refuses to talk about the affairs, and when does, he lies.On top of this, my stepdad is verbally abusive. For instance, he's told both of us, that he doesn't care if we're killed off, or if he has to kill my mom to get ahead financially. Yes, he's serious. Also, he disrespects my mom when he's around male family members: talking about women he wants to have sex with and what he'd do those women. It's comedy to him. When she addresses it, he dismisses her or insists it's just a joke.The verbal abuse is so often that my mom has become numb. She believes it won't get better. It's ironic to me because, on top of everything else, he cross-dresses when he's out "working late", before he meets his partners. My mom feels intense shame sharing this with anyone. She only tells me, since I live with them both while going to school, and I've seen everything unfold. I hate this man. I hate that he consciously chose to screw up another person's life because he doesn't have the balls to be truthful about who HE is. As far as my mom, she's admitted that she needs to think of her own contingency plan, but that's ben partially thwarted by covid. But even before the pandemic, she hasn't done anything physically or legally, and she still lets him stay in the house. I think she's overwhelmed.If anyone has any advice, I will gladly take it. I feel like Alice in Wonderland in this dysfunction, and don't know what to do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2020): Your mum can see a solicitor and get a divorce.
She can cite infidelity and intimidation.
Then she can file for a protective order after explaining her concerns regarding bomb making and threats to the police.
Some losers get a kick out of being intimidating but take it no further once the police are involved.
Your mother just has to make up her mind once and for all to loose this free loader.
I understand your concerns about his activity with men as he may be putting your mum at risk of hiv and other sexual diseases.
Speak to staff at school and tell them this situation is affecting your concentration.
They may be able to get your mum help to move this guy on.
Once your mother is definite that Stevie no longer in love with this guy or wants anything to do with him, then she can reclaim her life.
And she must get the locks changed so that he can't hide a key to your house with any of his friends.
Also get a security system and spy came in the house.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2020): Your mother has a witness. YOU!!! It's not a matter of his word against hers; you bear witness to the fact that he has threatened both of you with harm. If he has a past with blowing things up; he has no credibility with law enforcement.
If your mother knew he had a past making bombs, why'd she marry somebody like that? She knows he's psychotic and all that; yet she marries him, and brings him into her house. Had no clue he's a homosexual and a drag queen?
What gives him power is fear. You and your mother won't tell anybody; and assuming nobody will take either of you seriously, and just believe him. That's your fear talking. You're too afraid to tell anyone. If you told all your family members you and your mother feel afraid of him, why would your entire family believe him over the both of you? If he likes to dress-up; then secretly catch him in drag and hold the pictures as evidence.
Your mother can file complaints of domestic abuse with the police department. Covid has nothing to do with doing that. She can explain everything that's happening and they will dig into his past. They'll find something, if any of what you've indicated is true. If he's considered a threat, they just might bring him in for questioning. Every time he gets aggressive and verbally-abusive, call the police and file a complaint. Build a case.
Meanwhile, she has to seek counseling; and get a protective-order, until she can get the man out of her house. Otherwise, it is pointless to seek advice if neither of you will do anything. If he blew-up the house, who'd you think they'd be looking for? Act, or live in fear.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 December 2020):
 This is a horrible situation for your mom to be in, and I'm sorry :(
First off, it might BE a good idea if you mom finds a domestic abuse hotline and TALK to someone who can give WAY better advice than we can here on DC. So she can get help in figuring out HOW to get out (or kick him out) SAFELY.
Then... perhaps, she NEEDS to talk to a lawyer. Make sure, she can actually kick him out and that the house IS her and hers alone. And then she needs to file for divorce.
While he might have ha a past of making bombs in his youth doesn't mean he will now, but I can see that as being a HUGE concern. And perhaps also something she needs to ask the lawyer about, not sure if she can get a protection order based on something he did in his youth. I have to say, him saying shit like "For instance, he's told both of us, that he doesn't care if we're killed off, or if he has to kill my mom to get ahead financially. Yes, he's serious." THIS is alarming, and SHE does need to talk to family. Especially MALE family members about this.
I don't know if she could use that in a protection order as it is hearsay. Unless she has a recording or a text with threats.
You mom need to find a SAFE way to get you two away from him. And between the Police and a Lawyer it's probably her best bet.
Ask her to stay with an abuse hotline. That would be my advice.
Scary for you both.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2020): Hi
This sounds extremely difficult to just come in with an immediate solution, it's definitely something that I suggest you keep a very low profile in. What I mean by low profile, is quietly support Mum and help with her future plans. Don't make threats or get involved with arguments this will just make it harder.
I am not interested in his sexuality and neither should you be, this is between him and your mother. However the threats he has made are my concern and I would tred very carefully and not provoke him, of course you want to stick up for mum, but keeping quite and diffusing situations while you are in their company is what will help protect Mum.
I don't know how the system works where you live regarding domestic abuse and escaping, but if these professional bodies are available, then use them.
I have no doubts that your Mother needs refuge and is suffering from abuse, this is her numbness, not always a bad thing as it can help to stop the pain of abuse while she is trapped in this environment, emotionally switching off is a safety mechanism when living in domestic abuse.
When leaving an abusive partner it is best to move far far away and be willing to loose contact with the circle. A completely new beginning, new job, new everything, where you both feel safe and can live without fear again.
Make sure to tell mum not to argue or provoke him, if she is clear in her own mind of freedom in the near future, she should not feel the attachment to any of the old tricks. Do not be tempted to tell him or threaten him with leaving, this can be a pivotal moment in domestic violence, keep your council, BOTH OF YOU!!
In times like this we need a strong faith and belief in a better life, I wish you a merry Christmas in what ever way you celebrate it.
It is time to get out MUM and never look back, life is too short to waste on living in hell.
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