A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I had a quite troublesome childhood with an evil and neglecting father and a mother that was depressed and very fragile. I have siblings but since I was the youngest my mother have always treated me like I was her little baby, and that I would always be her little baby. But I love my mother dearly and I became her closest friend and ally and also her "therapist". I'm sensitive to other peoples feeling and a good listener and were proud of my role even if I realize it was not healthy for me to be a "therapist" to my own mother. I continued with being very close to my mother and my siblings whom are much older moved abroad to study and get good jobs but I stayed behind. For two years ago I started to to study at a university that was in another city and had to move to that city and therfore leaving my home and mother but we still talked almost everyday or at least every other day. She was very sad but I comforeted her by saying I would move back to the city I was born with when I was finished. I really believed that I would. But then I met my boyfriend. I dated some in my teens but since my father had treated my mother and us so poorly I was suspicius and cold to most boys and never felt like really starting a relationship with anyone. I wasn’t planning on falling in love, but as you all know it just kind of happens. And I was really happy! I’d never been this in love before and I felt so loved! But happiness was short. After a half year I realized my mother had started to act strange. She acused me of neglecting her and only caring for my boyfriend. I spent all my holidays with her, we still talked for hours on the phone. Last year I started studying maths at the same time I moved in with my boyfriend. I had a lot of things to do and got really stressed and couldn’t call as often or talk as much as before, and my mother directly blamed it all on my boyfriend. She said I had missled her to believe that I was her friend and loved her but I had just been lying since I now only cared for my boyfriend. And she says I’ve changed: that I have become more like an ”average Jane” and become more ill-tempered. But I would say that apart from the problem with my family I am more happy than ever. I might have been more upset than usual because I find things my mum and siblings say untrue. And yes, my siblings are all on my mothers side. They say I’ve become more average and ill-tempered too. And they think I’m cruel to neglect my mother, even if they had similar troubles when they had boyfriends, even if never ever this bad. I understand my mother is depressed. My father, whom she’s still married to and living with, is good at making people depressed. He’s also very good at making you become paranoid and strange in other ways. I know it’s not really my mothers fault she’s acting like this. I’m all she got, and she’s feeling scared and alone. She’ve said that she thinks that my boyfriend is kind and claims that she likes him. But she says that I’ve changed and shown my true colors and that she can never forgive nor forget that betrayal ever. So in short: she likes my boyfriend but not me. My boyfriend tries to stay supportive but since I start crying so much when I’m on the phone with my mother he is starting to say I should stop calling her. He’ve also suggested that since my mother becomes miserable living with my father we should make her move out. But my mother don’t want to listen, she says that if she chose the wrong man she deserves to suffer for it. And she also says that when she lives with him, at least she’s not all alone. I can’t assure her I love her and that I would love for her to come and visit enough to make her believe it. I’m getting tired. I sleep but wake up exhausted. I don’t know what else I can do. And I can’t really go on like this. I’ve been thinking of telling my mother about how I feel, really tell her, but she would become devestated and I would ruin the little friendship we have left. She wouldn’t be able to understand. She would only think I meant worse than I made it sound and let her imagination get carried away. I know what she’s like. I’ve tried to tell her other ”bad” things. I’ve also thought of telling that I can’t help her if she doesn’t do anything herself. That I can’t listen anymore, that it hurts me too much. And after that never talk to her anymore. But that breaks my heart. I’m her daughter. I love her. I should be there for her. And what would happen if I break up with my family if my relationship with my boyfriend ends? I would be all alone. On the other hand if I keep on having these problems with my family I don’t think my boyfriend will want to be with me much longer. I’m sorry I’ve written such a long relationship question, but I just want some help. Just any. What should I do?/Lily
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female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (30 March 2010):
 Hi Lily I agree with Auntie E. Your family are not stable enough to be relied on to pass sound judgements. You have to do what makes you happy. It sounds like your family rely on you to make them happy and that is a lot of weight on your shoulders. I think your boyfriend sounds like a good guy and since he is not emotionally involved with the rest of your family he will be able to see what is happening with clear vision.
A
female
reader, Auntie E  +, writes (26 March 2010):
 Dear Lily: Listen to your boyfriend. He is the only one who is making sense here. It appears that he is a very sound, sensitive and caring guy. Your entire family on the other hand is dragging you way down. It's time for you to choose. Were I you - I'd choose my boyfriend.
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