A
female
age
41-50,
*elani
writes:Hi I need some advice although i feel very stupid having to do this.I'm 24 years old, with a great job, nice car good friends, good education the works. I've never done anything to dissapoint my parents to my knowledge.My mum and dad are separated and she is asian and he is black, she blames cultural differences and west indian attitude to their break up along with violence and alcohol abuse. My dad also has two grown up kids from a past marriage. She has had some really bad experiences with my dad and i know she does not want me repeating her mistakes.As an only child my mum has always looked out for my best interest and has sacrificed a lot for me for which I am eternally grateful.I have always been open and honest with her about relationships and i have been through some really bad ones which she has always supported me thru.Now comes my problem, I have been recently seeing a guy at my work place, he's 31 has a really good position, but has split from his long term partner who he had two kids with quite some time ago. We get so well and its getting to he point we are falling for one another. He's mixed race half being of westindian background. I figured it was only right i told my mum. BIG mistake.She has met him but introduced as a friend, i went through a bad experience where i got mugged and he came to see me at my house. I told my mum he was 31, she was ok with that, said he worked with me still ok, she thought he was a nice guy but when i brought up the kids thats when she blew her top. She has given me a choice under no circumstance am I t get involved with a guy who has kids from someone else no matter what the circumstances, or else she will have nothing to do with me. To the point she will disown me as her daughter. I was heartbroken, not only because of what she said but the mere fact that she has always told me i am free to be with and marry who i want.I am very confused and very upset as i don't want to give the guy up as we really are falling for eachother, but at the same time my mum is the most important person in my life and i dont want to lose her. we tried taling but she can be very stubborn and this subject is not up for debate it is what it is. The guy knows how important my mum is to me and would do anything for me to convince her that he is different except give up his kids which i would never let him do as they are his no.1 priority and i totally i understand that. I have yet to tell him how she feels and i have yet to tell my mum I'm falling inlove she wants me to just stop anything with him before it gets to deep. Too late I think.What can i do, i don't want to choose, but if i do i would pick my mum, but then when will it stop i cant be happy if not with him or anyone.I need some advice please.Melani.x
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female
reader, TygersDream  +, writes (4 February 2007):
 I'm afraid this problem needs time, and you need a lot of courage and thick skin. The worst thing that can happen in your conversation with your mom is to antagonize her or make her the enemy. YOu have to really keep your cool.
I went through something similar when I was younger, and the worst thing I ever did was try to fight fire with fire. Eventually I learnt that the best thing that I could do was live my life the best that I could, respect and love my family, my home etc. Whenever my father would blow up at me or scold me or tell me how much he disapproved of my fiance (who IS a respectable guy, btw) I had to stay serene. Sometimes I wouldn't say a word, or sometimes when I talked, I would really REALLY concentrate on sounding calm, soothing and most of all - CONFIDENT. Parents want to know that their children can take care of themselves, and I think that's what your mom is MOST worried about here.
As for you and your mother, don't bring up your boyfriend as a topic and force her to understand your situation. Just let her bring it up.
Any other action from here on in has to come off as uncontrived, ie. arranging situations where she will have to be in the same room with your boyfriend. I'm suggesting informal spontaneous moments where she'll meet him and you at the same time - even though you aren't going to bludgeon her with discussions about him, seeing him with you a few times a month or a week will tell her that you're serious about him. Perhaps she'll get to know him as KYLE, not THAT GUY MY DAUGHTER IS DATING WHO HAS TWO CHILDREN FROM ANOTHER MARRIAGE AND WHO REMINDS ME OF MY EX-HUSBAND THAT I HATE.
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