A
female
age
41-50,
*ogibear19
writes:Sorry this is soo long.....But you need the details.I met my boyfriend online in August of 2005. He moved from Baton Rouge, Louisiana to live with me in Maryland in March 2006. (He was living with his mom and hated it.) He has a degree in criminal Justice but currently works at FedEx Kinko’s as an assistant manager. He really hates his job and has been looking for a career in criminal justice. We thought that moving to the DC/MD are would give him more opportunities to find a better job. However, it is now 2007 and he hasn’t even been called for an interview. I know he works very hard and has been truly looking for a better job, but because he doesn’t make a lot of money and is in a lot of debt, he has not been able to help me out financially. Every so often he may help with groceries or the electric bill, but I pay the mortgage. I have lupus and receive Social Security Disability, so I use that to pay my mortgage, and my mom who lives in GA pays most of my other bills and expenses when I am unable to work. I have my own bookkeeping business and I work at home, but my income is very inconsistent. My mother and I have accepted that I may not always be able to work. So my mom is more that will to help ME out as much as she can.(until I get married) Basically my mother and I are taking care of my boyfriend. He is depressed and his ego is shot, though he tries to act like he is “THE MAN” He wants so much to do more but he can’t. He has an opportunity to move up and manage his own Fed/Ex Kinko’s store, (making more money) but he insists that is not what he wants.I love my boyfriend, but now it is becoming a financial burden for me and my mother. Initially my boyfriend and I planed to sell my house and move some where cheaper, but useless he is able to get his own place and pay his own bills, then that can not happen. It may be selfish, but I am tired of his baggage. I feel stuck, because he is stuck. I want to move forward with my life, but instead I am patiently waiting for him to get his finances right. I want to move to GA to be closer to my mom and take classes in Fashion Design. My boyfriend is very unhappy and has a lot of anger and resentment built up, and it shows in his character. He is always very crass and cruel when he is talking about others. He is very negative and complains about everything. I am a positive and caring person and his attitude is annoying me greatly. I really hate being a around him, but we live together so I have no choice, I want to breakup with him because I feel like he is holding me back and that we aren’t moving forward. But, I worry about him because he is broke and has nobody else here in Maryland and he doesn’t want to move back to Louisiana. Please help. I don’t want to just leave him hanging but I really have no choice. I got to go…… I plan to move within the next 6 months. What should I do? How do I breakup with him?
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female
reader, stina +, writes (24 January 2007):
 Hi again Yogi,
I'm glad that you were able to find my advice helpful. :)
That's very good news about your guy possibly becoming a police officer in NC. After he is settled into that position for a while, he might change his attitude and be a happier person. This could also mean that you two could have a chance at making this relationship work. Perhaps after a bit, he could see about transferring to a police department where you will be living.
I think that a lot of people get depressed when they feel they're using others because they feel "worthless" - especially for money. I know a few people who graduated from college and still work retail positions - they are also depressed. It's nobody's fault - they are looking for jobs and they just aren't there. But the ones who moved on and found jobs are the ones who gained more self confidence and became happier people. Everyone gets down about their jobs/career every once in a while.
It's important to support people when they are down because of these reasons, but it's not okay to let them walk all over you and drag you down. It's good that you've spoken to him about what you want to do in the future - your mother and you living together. At least there will be no surprises. Like I always say, communication and honesty are key factors in making a relationship work. I can tell that you care about him because you're worried about him (at least that's how it seems from your posts) - so maybe this is just a bump in the road. :)
A
female
reader, Yogibear19 +, writes (23 January 2007):
Yogibear19 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice...I found it very helpful!! Actually, he is suppose to be taking a test to be a police officer in NC. He knows that my mother and are are experiencing a financial hardship and that my moving in with her is the next best solution. I like what you siad about how is attidude "is wearing on me" His darkness is smothering my light.. as you will. I just want him to be independent and support him self. I know this will make him happier and less depressed. As long as he is dependent on me or anybody else, he will be unhappy. He has been to counseling in the past and I really doubt if he will go back.(he is very stubborn) Thanks again for responding and I'll keep you posted.
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (22 January 2007):
Hi there Yogi,
If there are no positions open in the specific field he is looking for, then maybe you could suggest he find out about open positions at police departments. This might get his foot in the door - networking and such. He could find out what positions are open by visiting each county's local police department websites. He could also check government job listings and still network with one of these positions, depending on the job. I know that people from the police department, fire department and animal control are friendly with one another in Anne Arundel county (I used to work at the Police Dept there).
If you guys live near the city (Baltimore) then he could check the City Paper to see what jobs are available. You can find the paper at pretty much any restaurant and store, but it's also online (http://www.citypaper.com/).
He can also find an inexpensive place to live here (both in the city and also the counties). I know that there are lots of inexpensive places to live just outside of the city. You could suggest to him that he could find a place in Arbutus (Westland Gardens, Meadow Lane apartments off of Wilkens Ave). They aren't the best places to live, but I guess you get what you pay for. Bowie also has some inexpensive places to rent, but again - you get what you pay for. Oh, Owen Brown in Columbia has some nice inexpensive places for rent, as well, that he might want to look into. You should also pick up an Apartment Locator Guide the next time you're out (usually in drug stores and grocery stores) to find out where some places are that he can afford.
I would also suggest that he look for postions open at police departments in DC. Even though it's expensive to live there, he could still live near Baltimore and take the Marc train and/or metro down - it's about an hour - an hour and a half commute, but it'd be worth it if he liked his job, right?
If worse comes to worse, then he could still move back to Louisiana, right? I know you mentioned that he didn't "want" to move back, but you shouldn't have to feel stuck in a relationship because your b/f doesn't "want" to move. That will just create an even more unhealthy environment for the both of you. I would, however, tell him of your plans so that he has enough time to prepare for your move. I know that it can be hard to find an apartment on a whim, so before you leave make sure he has a place.
Okay - and moving onto the actual relationship part of your problem...have you had a serious discussion about where things are headed? Does he know that his attitude is wearing on you and that you are thinking about moving? Have you made sure to hear him out, as well? It sounds like you both have been through a lot together - have either of you considered going to counseling? I strongly suggest this.
I also think that it would be beneficial for your boyfriend to seek counseling on his own for his depression - or at least a doctor to see about some kind of meds that can help if he doesn't have the insurance for a counselor. Has he been to see anyone about this? If not, maybe you could bring it up when you are both in a good mood. Maybe tell him that you're worried about the direction things are headed and ask him if he's thought about seeing anyone.
Also, there's a really good website (http://www.iherb.com/store/) that you both might want to take a look at. You can write in whatever problem you have, and a list of products (organic herbs, vitamins, etc) show up - some with reviews - that could help the both of you with the stressful situation you are having. If I were you, I would take a look at the 5-HTP products and see if it would help. (5-HTP products have been known to help "battle" depression with good results.)
I hope this has helped!
Take care.
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