A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hello. Thank you for reading this. I am having a problem with my son and his wife and I could do with some honest advice.My son has been married for 3 years to his wife. Prior to the wedding they had dated for about 7 years. They now have two very young children.Anyway, my son says he does love and care for his wife and they have been 'happy enough' in their marriage. He did say however that he has to have a practical approach to their marriage, whatever that means. However, he has a female friend who lives about 200 miles away (my son is in London) and I know he still speaks to her regularly and I happen to know they have always been attracted to each other and I believe at one point they were together romantically. Recently, my son has said that he wants to go away on his own for a few days with a friend and he asked me to help with looking after the children. I didn't want to interfere but I thought it was a bit odd so I offered to look after the children for a weekend and suggested he took his wife away for a weekend.His response was quite evasive and bit curt, so I started asking a few questions and he became even more evasive.To cut a long story short I now know that he and his friend are planning to go to the city where this female friend lives. I am suspicious because I know he stills speaks to her regularly. When I spoke to him again and dug a bit more he admitted that he still likes this woman a lot.I get on very well with my son's wife and I feel as though I don't want to interfere but I am unsure about how to proceed. Do I interfere and tell his wife about my concerns or do I just stay out of it and let him get on with it? I am divorced but I did speak to my ex husband about this and he said I should tread carefully but really thinks we should all stay out of it. I know my son and his wife have been a bit irritated with each other lately but I thought this was to be expected with the pressure of looking after two young children and that it would pass. I also cannot understand and I told him so, why on earth he would want to go away with his friend for a few days instead of choosing to take his wife away for a nice weekend, especially as they have me willing to look after the children.I would really appreciate some advice about how to proceed. I don't want to cause any unnecessary trouble but I am feeling very uncomfortable about this. Many thanksChristine
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2016): What is not right, is carrying a secret that 'in the end' will cause hurt. He should have the courage to tell his wife that he no longer wants a practical marriage and/or wants to be with somebody else. He could then arrange a practical friendship with his x wife, where the children are not hurt by the fact that their father cheated on their mother for years.
It's not always a hard thing to do, 'telling the truth'. Surely it must be harder to deceive somebody and lie every minute of the day and to his whole family and above all himself.
It's noticeable to me how the justifications for his upcoming betrayal are surfacing' 'the wife is controlling, and obviously bone idol' and he is tired' so he must not be thinking straight, thus blameless if he does cheat. This is almost like helping him set the scene. If the conscience makes these type of excuses it somehow removes 'guilt' for a cheat to justify their actions.
If she is a lazy slob, and a control freak, which has been implied then surely it is better he splits from her and divorces her anyway by telling her the truth HIMSELF.
After all; He said 'it's only a practical marriage' what has he got to loose by telling the truth, 'practical' things can be replaced.
Secrets carried by others are heavy burdens and your son needs to think of MUM carrying his secret instead of himself.
A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (5 January 2016):
SVC has the best solution in my opinion, for as far as there is one in this situation.
Make a point of refusing to look after the children for him during his getaway. You're his mom, it's not right to meddle in his business, but that doesn't mean you have to help him cheat on her. So tell him to find someone else.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2016): Thank you for your answers, very helpful. I'm going to try and speak to my son again and see if he will open up about what is going on. I do often help with the children, as he has to go away for work sometimes and his wife gets very very tired. I personally think my daughter in law is a very nice person and my son says the same but my son has said that she is quite controlling. For example, he is not really allowed to go out and even though he works full time long hours he has to get up at night to help with the children (my daughter in law is at home full time at the moment). I have noticed that he looks very tired lately so maybe he isn't thinking straight at this time. My ex husband is being a bit unhelpful and basically just saying 'keep out of it and leave them to work it out'. A friend of mine was in a similar situation a couple of years ago with her son and when she interfered and made comments it caused a lot of bad feeling and animosity all round. My friend's son actually left his wife for another woman and they are now married & despite everybody advising against this they ignore them and did what they wanted anyway!! They are adults I suppose and they have to work through their own problems.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 January 2016):
 I agree with SVC
I wouldn't tell her either, it's all on HIM. And I too would NOT watch the kids so he can go hang out with another woman, Heck, no!
I'd tell him how about you tell your wife the while deal... see how she feels about it?! And maybe ask him HOW he thinks he would feel if his wife were doing the same shade thing to him?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2016): Regarding 'Family Loyalty' he is cheating on his 'Blood Children Family'....so it appears that it is 'ok' for 'only him to cheat. His Mother is not to 'Betray' him and break his trust. Sorry, but i disagree with the 'Family Loyalty and blood bonds' this should not over ride the truth, a lie is a lie and just because it's 'family' it does not mean we 'owe it'to keep silent. I wonder who WILL end up devastated?the children? the wife? the other woman? his Mother? himself? Deceit should not be covered, it causes too much pain when it knocks on the door, after years of deceit.Yes i agree, discretion should be used and not to tell the wife, simply, because it is 'THE SON'S' place to tell his wife and take on 'his''responsibility' or change the path he is obviously heading down. Responsibility belongs to him not his poor Mother, who has now a BURDEN SECRET!I still think the Mother should refuse to take care of the kids and make it difficult and tell'Him' why. Having peace of mind knowing you never 'helped somebody cheat' the rest is up to him. Although he can not be forced to take responsibility, it should be made clear how family members do not agree with what he is doing 'behind' his wife's back.I hope it turns out well'in the end'
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 January 2016):
 I would NOT say anything to his wife.
I would also NOT enable him by helping him out. REFUSE to watch the children and tell him to ask his wife to watch them
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A
female
reader, signlike +, writes (4 January 2016):
Wow, that is certainly a difficult situation to be in!Have you thought about directly confronting your son? There may be a perfectly logical explanation besides infidelity, and I wouldn't go rushing to his wife without definite proof. Even then, if he is cheating on her, you revealing it will affect not only his marriage, but also his immediate relationship with you and indirectly his children. Not saying there isn't a definite possibility that something is going on, but I wouldn't go into the situation thinking about that. Rather, what is it that you want to do by telling his wife about this other woman? Do you want her to do something about it? Do you want him to apologize and stay committed? Why is this important to you? Enumerate the things you hope to accomplish, and what is it exactly you want your son to change and why. Then, tell HIM about it, not her or anyone else, and tell him WHY you're telling him (obviously because you're his mother and love him and if you didn't care you wouldn't say anything, but so on). If he's not seeing anyone, then it's nothing, but if he is, maybe some of it will sink it. I think that's about all you can do about it at the moment. If he really is cheating on her, you'll still need to consider whether it's in yours and theirs best interest to say something or not. At any rate, I think you can hold on answering that question for a little while longer. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Celeste79 +, writes (4 January 2016):
NO!!! Regardless of how you feel about your daughter-in-law, he is your SON and he should be able to trust his own mother with all/any information pertaining to his life. If you were to betray your son in this way, he (rightfully) would be DEVASTATED and certainly never trust you again. Marriage is a legal bond. Family is a blood bond. Your loyalty needs to be to your FAMILY.
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A
male
reader, Nyc Martian +, writes (4 January 2016):
Seems like a difficult situation. But you should speak to your son again, let him know that he is in dangerous waters, that you're concerned about his wife and kids, etc. I know how mothers can be and how sons can be towards there mother. But you need to try and see this through. Definitely don't go to his wife- try confronting him again and really talking about it more deeply. Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2016): Tricky one.If you tell and if you don't tell.You risk loosing your son, you risk loosing the trust of your daughter in law, you risk a family split,and a future of having to cover for your son who is 'cheating'.Maybe his girlfriend is aware of their only 'practical marriage' or not.First of all, I would refuse point blank to make it 'easy' for him to float off, refuse to take care of his children. You could ask his wife, why she is not going with him, find a little bit more out about her 'take' on this trip.You could put pressure on him to tell the truth to his wife, never make it easy for anyone to lie and cheat(family or not) however for 'your sake' i would not tell his wife directly. You could loose your grandchildren in a family fall out. I would not carry his secret either, make it visible every time you see him that you don't agree with what he is doing.Cancel looking after the kids.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2016): People will feel differently on the matter. But I would want my mother in law to tell me if she knew her son was acting like a dick. I would also hope she had serious words with him for being a complete idiot too. But actually finding a way to tell her would be very difficult!If you can, I would invite your son over and sit down with him, I'd tell him that you know he's going to where this woman lives and ask him to be honest with himself about his intentions and how he sees this going. He needs someone to make him see sense. If he doesn't love his wife anymore and can't sort it out then he needs to grow up and handle it before he goes running off with his mates like a little coward. If he was my son I would tell it to him straight and that he wasn't raised to disrespect anyone, let alone a woman who has married him and started a family with him. I wouldn't agree to look after your grandchildren if it means he's then able to run off from his problems instead of face them. He doesn't even need to take his wife away, but a weekend without the children might mean they can talk over their relationship. You're not telling him to stay with her and you're not trying to talk to him like a child. This is adult to adult advice that he is not acting maturely and can't run off with a mate for a weekend just because things have got tricky in his relationship and any decent friend would tell a friend that.His wife deserves to know what he's doing, but telling her is something you'll have to work out if it's possible or not. Not knowing her, there's no way of knowing how she would react. Some people shoot the messenger, or it may be she already realises and just hasn't spoke about it. If I were you, I would focus on having a serious chat with your son first.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2016): I think you should stay out of it. You have the potential to destroy their marriage. You don't want that on your conscience. He would never forgive you and who knows how she would take it. I had a friend whose girlfriend was openly cheating on him. Everyone knew but him. I assumed that since we were friends I had an obligation to tell him that he was being made a fool of. So one day I told him. I told him to start paying attention to the details and eventually he'll see it for himself. He immediately confronted her. She denied everything and they stayed together. He also told her that I told him. She subsequently forbid him to speak to me. Our friendship ended.... They broke up about a year later. After that I always stay out of other peoples relationships. I know it's hard because he's your son and I'm sure you Love your daughter in law. But it's best to let their relationship take its course without your involvement.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2016): Yes tell his wife
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2016): What a tough call.It comes down to whose relationship do you value more?If you tell, you will ruin your relationship with your son.If you don't tell, you will ruin your relationship with your daughter-in-law. I am sure she would want to know about something like this.I know if I were her, I would want to know.Here's the thing. You have a chance to nip this thing in the bud. How? You tell your son that if he goes away, you will tell his wife what he is doing. It is his choice if he follows through as he knows the consequences of his actions.If he doesn't follow through THIS time, what about the next time? As I am sure there will be a next time. And next time he will only get better at hiding his plans. If somebody wants to cheat, they will cheat. You can expose him and let the cards fall where they may but ultimately he may still end up seeking out that other woman anyway.
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