A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Dear readers,I am in a really complex situation. 8 years ago, I met a man - we were both married at the time. I didn't have any children, because my then husband did not want any, despite my wanting a child desperately. The other person (OP) has an adopted daughter (his wife had issues conceiving).We were both in unhappy marriages, and were drawn to each other. I had a son with him, and divorced my husband - it was a long-drawn out divorce, as my ex-husband was bitter at me having had an affair and a child outside of marriage (I don't blame him.)The OP kept promising me that we would be together, that he would get a divorce, but has done nothing to initiate one. His wife is aware of me and our son. To make matters complex, we live in different countries (short flight away).He is a busy man, and my son and I get to see him once a month for 3 days. He tells me he only loves me, but owes a responsibility to his wife. The daughter is now 12 and is moving to a boarding school. He loves me and I love him and we really want to be together.His solution to that is that I move to another city in his country, and he will move in with me, but will still shuttle between the two cities - and not get a divorce, as his wife doesn't want one, though she has repeatedly told him to leave and go if he wants.I initially agreed to move, as I wanted to be with him, and I want my son to have his father around him, growing up - but I am bothered by the situation. He will never be completely with me - he tells me to learn to be thankful for what we have, instead of hankering after a perfect relationship, because in the quest for perfection, we lose what we have as well. I am not able to buy that.I have recently refused the proposition and told him I will continue to live where I am and bring up my son single handedly. Both he and I are in pain right now - I am tempted to accede, because I really do love him. Right now, I am in pain - my heart aches and I am lonely and I miss him. Am I wrong? What would you do? Help me out here please - don't judge me. I don't condone what we did, nor do I propagate extra marital affairs - but I am here now and I don't know where to go. If you can help, please do - give me your perspective.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (27 August 2017):
 Please don't be selfish and uproot your son. Of course you can live in the same country as him - just never speak to him. You are a grown woman and have the ability to avoid this cheater.
He's always wanted both worlds and you're only just realising it. Block him, stay where you live and have no more contact with this man. It's not easy to get over, but it's simple to do, OP.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all - after many months, I am back. In the meantime, I did not move to India. Instead, he has just recently got an offer in Singapore.
For a while, I was ecstatic that he would finally move here and we would be together - the joy was shortlived.
He is now telling me his daughter is having issues at the hostel, and so he wants to move her to Singapore. If the daughter moves, she won't do it without her mother, and so he "needs his wife to move" to Singapore as well.
As far as I can see, he is now greedy for both worlds - he wants to keep his current family, and yet have me on the side - with no thought for the pain it will cause all of us.
I am torn - my first reaction was to tell him to get the hell out of my life. Which I have. I am feeling trapped and don't know if I will be able to live in the same country as him, in the circumstances that he is laying out. Knowing him, he will try and wheedle me into agreeing to what he has in mind.
I am contemplating asking my job to move me to another location - which will mean I will remove the only semblance of a dad my son knows, from his life. I am not sure what to do - I dont really want to be part of this story any more - and yet I dont know if I will be doing my son injustice by moving him out of the country.
Can someone please give me their perspective - I have no family or friends that I can trust to guide me here - My son and I are pretty much on our own.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (5 January 2017):
I agree that your life with your son is in Singapore and India is less supportive of single mothers. This is where you are safer and where you should stay - that man (don't call him your love/boyfriend/etc. any more) made his choice to stay with his wife.
You will find someone else, but only if you truly cut all contact with his father, except when talking about your son. If you talk to him about anything else, romantic or not, he will keep his hold on you and you will continue to be alone.
Take a year to move on from this man, then be open to dating someone local, who is not married/taken, and who is good for you and your son.
I think that you've made the right decision by staying and breaking it off with that man - now you need to stick to it and be strong for your son. Do not let that man near you when he visits his son, as he'll try to seduce you into his game again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2017): I can't speak for others, but the judgment is based upon your continued desires (wants) to be with a man that isn't your husband. He belongs to someone else. No amount of detail will change that fact. You've acknowledged that you don't "propagate extramarital affairs," yet that's precisely what you're doing. You are well aware that your son has no father because of choices you made. Honestly, your son sounds like he was a preconceived pawn in your game. My heart breaks for him. He truly is an innocent victim, but moreso for this man's daughte and wife. You can't justify breaking up his daughter's home simply to create one for your son or for your own! I hear no remorse in your tone, only the continued pursuit of selfish desires at the expense of innocent children. I don't feel sorry for you, I feel sorry for your son.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2017): My apologies if you misunderstood me to presume you would deprive your son of his father. I was explaining that is what a lot of women do because they cannot constrain their personal feelings for the biological father. Which is way easier said than done. However; the needs of children must come first, and I guess sacrifices must be made in their best interest. They don't get to make many choices; because they have limited judgement, and need us to take care of them until they can fend for themselves. Children fair so well when they know both their parents, and their needs prevail over any differences the parents may have. I was trying to make that point.Fathers help boys in so many ways, and his love is just as important to a son as his mother's. I was fortunate to have both parents, and a dad I love dearly. I've studied and researched and read as much as I could to see what the experts think. It is general consensus two parents are better than one. Even if they are same-sex.I was merely bringing the fact to light that many mothers would rather protect their own feelings than that of their child. I find that cruel and quite selfish. Considering some would sacrifice anything to be with a man for their own benefit. Please don't think I would assume such a thing of you. Nor am I trying to coerce or manipulate your decision. I only try to advise. The decision is yours to make. As you said, there would be some benefit even for you to leave India. My dear, don't presume you will never find love again. That is what people tend to convince themselves when they don't get the one they want. It was not meant to be. Someone else is making his way to you. You must have faith. Never be so arrogant as to presume you know what the future holds.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all of you, who took the time to respond to me. I really do appreciate it.
Just to add, I live in Singapore and he lives in India, though we are both originally from India.
WiseOwl, it was never my intention to deprive him access to our child - he has always had access, through all these years. Yes, I am tempted to move, to give my son a better chance of having an active dad in his life, but it will take a huge toll on me, especially if I end my relationship with him, or even if I keep it.
Living in India as a single mother, is not as easy as it is in Singapore - our society is not a kind one, and life for a woman per se, is never easy. For those of you asking why I didnt leave my husband and remarry, it was the norms within which I was brought up - I was taught to tolerate all and keep quiet - and I did - even when my husband made me abort the child I did conceive through marriage, even when he turned abusive on me, even when he was philandering with women openly through the marriage. I still don't believe what I did was right - and yes, I am suffering the consequences of a bad choice made in a vulnerable moment - but go ahead and judge, for those of you who wish to.
For now, I have told him that I wish to end our relationship. I have also told him that he can contact our son, and maintain a relationship with him, but to do what a father should for his son, as this can have long lasting effects on my son.
The easiest thing for me to do would be to cut him off completely (not easy emotionally) but I don't want to have my son lose the only semblance of a father he will ever know - one that is long distance, one that will not put him before a marriage that is purportedly broken.
I have made the decision, but am suffering extreme anxiety - the fear of being alone and lonely all my life, is not one that I can get over. I know I will not have another relationship - I do not want to complicate life for my little one. And the truth is, I really do love his father..I am not sure how I will get over this, but I am going to put all I have into doing so.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (4 January 2017):
I'm sorry, OP, but he's lying to you. You went through a divorce because you wanted to be with him, if he wanted to be with you, he'd get a divorce too. He wants you hanging around for his pleasure, not for a relationship. He will not divorce his wife for you and it's been EIGHT YEARS!Your son will see you as weak because you refuse to stand up for what's right and leave this man. Do you want your son to think cheating is okay and being cheated on is fine? Be a responsible mother and teach him that cheating is never okay. If his dad loved you, he'd leave his wife."not get a divorce, as his wife doesn't want one, though she has repeatedly told him to leave and go if he wants" - she's literally *telling* him to leave if he wants and he isn't!"he tells me to learn to be thankful for what we have, instead of hankering after a perfect relationship" - which is proving how he feels about it! He probably tells his wife the same thing, so that she doesn't expect him to be faithful to her.Don't buy it. Don't move to be with him; he shouldn't move in with you and stay married. This guy wants a wife and a mistress. If he made you his wife, he'd find another mistress and tell her what he's telling you.OP, you are wasting your life on him and you're teaching your son that affairs are okay.Look in your son's eyes and ask yourself "if he was in this situation, what would I want him to do?" Would you want him to stay in a relationship where he's helping someone cheat who will never get a divorce? How would you feel if he stayed with someone who cheated on him for 8 years because "mummy did the same with daddy".... he has TWO parents showing him that cheating is okay! Be the one who ends this and let go of the married man who will never be yours. Raise your son to be a good man, not like his father.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2017): Be unselfish and do it for your son. You don't have a romantic future with this man, but your son could have something truly important to a young man. A father.
Legalities as far as child-support and your son's birth-rights and/or inheritance rights would be less complicated. He could grow-up knowing and having an active dad in his life.
Women who get pregnant under less than desirable or family-friendly circumstances; far too often deprive children of access to their biological fathers. They put their feelings ahead of the child's needs. If they can't have the man under the conditions they want, then punish him by not allowing him to be with his kid(s). That is not for the child's sake. That's selfish.
It's understandable if a father is criminal or abusive. Then you are forced to protect your child and yourself.
If the dad simply fell short of your romantic expectations or demands, that's not the fault of the child you conceived.
I say, bring the child closer to his father. Place part of the financial responsibility on his father for the cost of your relocation. Negotiate through an attorney. The more he is willing to contribute in a legal written-agreement; the better protected you and your son are.
Don't settle on a verbal promise. Stay put! Get the relocation funds placed in a trust for the child. If his father struggles financially, DO NOT MOVE...stay put!!!
Don't forget his wife has a lot to say about goings-on between you and her hubby. She has nothing to say about the legal child-support the child deserves. She can suck sand and poop pearls on that issue.
I don't recommend letting the child travel between countries without you; or spend long vacations with his father, while you're back in your country. That would be very very risky. Don't be naive. Stay wise. Do not allow the child to be taken by his father out of the country.
Whatever you decide, you be right there next to your son.
Wherever he goes, you go!
If daddy can't cough-up the cash, or his wife barks too much. Let daddy come see his son, but pay the child-support all the same.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2017): I'll be honest here...it's hard not to judge you. You want something for your son at the expense of robbing the very same thing from his daughter. You're a very selfish person, even to your own son. Your life is completely centered around a man that doesn't belong to you.
Ok...let's take all the judgment off the table for a second and just reflect on who men are. For the most part they are basic and simple. If he wanted to be with you - he would. Period. End of story. I don't care what excuse he's given you - it's just that - an excuse. A man in love will do just about anything to be with the love of his life. You get 3 days a month. Grow up and be someone your son can be proud of.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2017): Could you please mention which country he is in? Please consult a lawyer or at least research on the law and order of this particular country. And the social status of a single mother.
He does not sound like a man with good intentions. You were desperately wanting a child. He on the other hand has a daughter already. Looks more like he took advantage of your weak point, had sex on the pretext of giving you a child.
You are not an angel with wings either. You could have divorced your ex husband and found someone else who wants to have kids after marriage, instead of cheating on your hubby with a married man. So maybe the two of you will make a good pair anyway. It all boils down to whether you will be happy being 'the other woman' in the life of this polygamist. For all you know he might get another woman too, especially if you're talking about a pakistani or bangladeshi, where this is a common phenomenon. And of course, if you feel there are no legal and social consequences for you both in the foreign country. Make sure the two of you aren't falling into the trap of human trafficking. I don't even understand how you'll get life long permit to live in that country if he''s not going to marry you. Ask yourself and him plenty of questions. Careful with the decisions you're making.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2017): I believe hes playing games with you. If you let your husband go and have moved on then he should be able to do the same thing and leave his wife. When you love someone enough you make sacrifices. I think he loves you but also his wife and hes trying to keep both of you as long as he can. You need to decide if you want to be exclusive with him or share him with his wife forever. If not you give him an ultimatum either you or his wife? If he cant decide i would let the relationship go. He has just as much responsibility to you as he does with his wife because you all have children adopted or not.
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female
reader, Nittynora +, writes (3 January 2017):
 I can totally understand how you feel. My first marriage was celibate and I was desperate for a child. I left him had an affair and a son and remarried again. Its something I will never forgive myself for.I warn you, you may be judged on this site because it is full of people who are and who have been in your lovers wife's position, they have been cheated on so expect a few remarks but don't get distressed. I wont judge you. I am so glad that some people lead such perfect lives ;) xAs for your man I feel like giving him a good kicking to be honest. He has a responsibility to his wife does he ? Is he having a laugh? Does he not think that's a bit late now? His daughter is moving to boarding school he has a chance to leave if he wants too.Are you absolutely sure that his wife DOES know about your son? he is living a double life I am wondering just how much she does know. This man wants the best of both worlds he wants you and his wife. And YOU have to be thankful??? what a ******* cheek. If you AND his wife have got any sense you will tell him to go forth and multiply. If you stay with him he will NEVER put you first or your son. How are you going to feel when he puts wifey before your son? He will never be really there for you and if you challenge him against his wife , he will kick you under a bus to save his own sorry arse. So he has made a child with you and wifey doesnot want a divorce, so he does what wifey wants.I would give him an ultimatum he divorces his wife and chooses ONE home, not leading a double life or he gets lost. (make sure he pays maintenance for your son. You are worth better. Do let us know how you get on, please don't let yourself be walked on xxxxxx
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