A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:hiHe, a married nice,decent,clean,intellectual and matured adult underwent a grievous family problem for helping me out my severe troubles and bringing relief to me. His family was misguided by some outsiders and in spite of trying best in all possible ways, did not understand a bit and didn't stop abusing and insulting him for helping me. This led to his total uninterest in his spouse. Even she seems not caring about it at all. Myself being obliged for what all he'd been to me as a best friend in my difficult time, did not find right to leave him alone in this odd situation.I was scared his problems now would break him. I stood by him and supported him emotionally. Now, a pretty long time has passed,the things have not changed, he's developed a kind of different feel for me,which initially was not there. He is satisfying himself by verbal sharing his desires and seeing me there in his imaginations. I tried all my levels best to control his diversions but he began to believe that perhaps this was God's sweet wish.I failed in selfishly deserting him and now his thoughts have gone stronger and stronger. I am actually happy in my family but have in spite of my best possible efforts, couldn't afford unhappines for him for a moment.As a result unwillingly,but gradually i went on accepting the changing relation the way he wanted it to. Though it doesn't mean either of us intend to harm our families, yet he expects me to satisfy his desires(of course he has promised it NOT TO THAT EXTENT),but still i feel awkward but for his happiness and satisfaction can't help listening all that bodily talks, from him. I don't know what to do? Can anybody help? I have failed in convincing him that this was not right. Even he understands it,so takes proper care,but still...it is not right. How to convince him? He feels hurt if i speak anything in this regard and feels badly insulted. This pushes me in helplessness and a kind of sin feel as if i'm killing him. Every time he prays for my happiness, smiles, grins, laughs (actually his initial helps were like giving oxygen to my dead life). Then why it is wrong on my part to care for his satisfaction?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2011): hi to all who responded. It was a nice and fruitful experience. I even very much liked a male reader suggesting me what other female readers feel about it. THANX.
Love girl, your this reply was very very harsh and strict for a person like me.Quite scary also.But let me clear you that in all these four years,it has practically never been to that shameless stage as we live 400 miles apart.And,respecting to what you all said,i've taken steps and i pray God to give me strength to complete this task without any harm to anybody. And i know, i will do it. Ones again a big thanx to you all and the CUPID aunt.If required i would like to seek advice in future.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2011): My personal advice wud be to never ever fulfill these types of demands an cheat ur husband whoever anyone is or whatever he has done for u .u shud always have limit for everything if he force u then I think u shud avoid him.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (20 June 2011):
"Your second assumption is most accurate that his serious personal pain had been too impossible for him to deal with."
This is one reason why people get into affairs, it's the same reason other people start drinking too much or abusing drugs. It's because they have serious personal pain that's always there and doesn't go away, and taking its toll, and the person is so worn out and stressed that they are desperate for any temporary relief to numb out the pain. For some people having an intense intimacy with someone provides this (and clearly if the relationship with the spouse is terrible then this is not going to come from the marriage the way it currently is, or ever).
You say he's been in counseling for years and he's still in such personal pain? Then, he maybe he needs a different counselor (because there can be bad counselors, just as there can be bad doctors and bad teachers too). If he's making no progress despite a lot of ongoing counseling, and is still having tendencies toward destructive behavior, some thing is wrong. Either he's not with the right counselor for his problems, or the counselor is not using the right therapeutic approach to help him deal with his pain and feel better on his own, or he may need medication as well in addition to counseling. Or he is not truly taking responsibility for his part in self-healing. Going to a counselor isn't like going to a surgeon. A counselor doesn't cure you and you're just passive receiving the cure, instead they help you to help yourself but you have to do the work, all they can do is guide you and help you. If he's not doing the work, then no amount of counseling will produce results.
either way, the solution is not for you to get into this kind of relationship with him.
I would suggest that you help him to get a different counselor so that he can deal with his personal problems more effectively on his own. If all else fails, I would suggest that you cut him out of your life. It sounds harsh, but you could be enabling him to continue wallowing in this destructive state and dragging yourself down and jeopardizing your own situation. You don't have to cut him out permanently if you don't want to, just for some time (like maybe for a year or two..just completely arbitrary here) until he sorts himself out and is in a better place.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2011): I responded to your other post as well where yet again you speak with a poetic forked tongue!
An affair by any other name is still an affair!
You are married for goodness sake and spreading your legs for another married man is nothing but shameless.
Why don't u ask your hb whether u should say thank you to this great spiritual fake healer by having sex with him.
In your part of the world many of these "spiritualist" exists and then they manipulate and abuse their followers. This has happened here as well.
OP I suggest that u start writing plain and simple language because even myself, university educated and in the legal industry cannot fathom your "highly flowery language".
I suggest that u get your act together and remain true to your hb. You having sex with your "spiritual" master is actually making a mockery of true "spiritualists" . This sham of a relationship is nothing more than an attempt for this MM to get between your legs.
Stop the flowering nonsense and start with brutal honest talk.
Your association with the MM has been eroding 2 marriages and both marriages are going to be destroyed if you continue this affair.
"... I tried all my levels best to control his diversions but he began to believe that perhaps this was God's sweet wish...."
This is NOT "Gods sweet wish" , stop using Gods name in vain. God doesn't wish for you to cross boundaries and cheat.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2011): I am the original writer of the question.
Thanx dear chocoholicforever (nice name).
You showed me an unprejudiced picture and solution thereby. I know it is going to be very difficult.Your second assumption is most accurate that his serious personal pain had been too impossible for him to deal with.I know i can't leave him,because that action of mine would leave me as well to dead life.He doesn't need any money from me till date. He's been counselling me all these years,how can i advice him for councelling?He would never agree to be my brother,that i already tried in the beginning itself.Yet i would take care of your advice for setting the limits somehow.
Then how will it happen,only God knows.Or any more suggestions that might strike you ? Please...
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (20 June 2011):
Your friend may have made big personal sacrifices to help you in your time of need, but you didn't *demand* that he make those sacrifices for you, did you? He thus has no right to now demand that you repay him by having an affair with him!
A true friend would help you out without expecting or demanding huge sacrifices from you in return. A true friend wouldn't push you to go against your moral values.
either he's not a true friend and had a hidden agenda all along, or else he is a true friend but has serious personal pain that he can't deal with and thinks the only way to get any relief is to have an affair with you.
Either way, you should stand firm that you're not going to have an affair with him because it's morally wrong. If he feels you "owe" him something because of all the trouble he went through for you, find a different way to repay his kindness. for example helping him out financially if he needs it. Or help him to get into counseling if he needs help dealing with his personal pain.
You can emotionally support him without it becoming an affair. Treat him as a brother and tell him that this is where the boundaries of your relationship are.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2011): It is wrong to have an affair with a married man, no matter what he has done for you. Just because he has been good to you doesn't mean you have to sleep with him for repayment! If it is impossible for him to only be your friend, you need to draw the line and cut off all contact with him, no matter how much it hurts. Obviously he isn't taking no for an answer, nor respecting your wishes, and you should NEVER feel forced into a physical relationship. You shouldn't have to spend any more time pushing away his advances. And if being 'happy in your family' means you are married, you need to get away from him right away. He might have been good to you before, but he isn't being good to you now.
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