My marriage is very unhappy and abuse is going on - should I stay or go?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Cheating, Family, Marriage problems, Trust issues

<< Previous question Next question >>

Question - (8 December 2008)

6 Answers - (Newest, 10 December 2008)

A female age 41-50, *onfused Rose writes:

Warning: this is a rather long read, but i need to let it all out, i don't have anyone with whom i can talk about this or as counsel, so this is cathartic and will hopefully give a better picture of what's going on. I have been married for 5 years, have 2 beautiful and healthy children who are the sunshine of my life. I think they're the only two good blooms of this marriage. My husband and i weren't in love when we got married. We did it for every reason but love, but we managed to brain wash ourselves into it. He is 19 years older than me, he didn't even propose, he just said: let's get married and get this over with. I now know i shouldn't had settled for that, i had always wanted to marry a man i was deeply in love with and him so crazy about me he couldn't picture his life without me. The sexual part is more like a duty which lasts 5 mins at max and he puts all the worry of birth control on me, he won't do anything to prevent more pregnancies, yet he complained a few months ago when i got pregnant, as usual he blamed it on me being careless. I had a miscarriage, i guess because of how stressed i've been. We've moved about 9 times, since some things of his past have caught up with us. He used to be an alcoholic and a smoker, had several DUI's in his past, a problem with his driver's license and in trouble with te IRS, he owes them big time money. He filed bankruptcy during the second year of our marriage...and i felt so sad to go through that with him at an age of 24. So besides of his past bachelor life catching up with our present, he expects me to be the one to shower him with affection and praises. I admit i have some trouble being verbal and praising him, but like i told him, when i do so he can be sure it comes from my heart and it's a true praise. Unlike him who can tell me i'm the best woman in the world one minute and then when he is in a bad mood he uses the foulest terms to insult me and make me feel as small as a flea. I rather keep my mouth shut and even if i am too angry i won't insult, that's just me. If i have nothing good to say i shut my mouth up and try to keep a neutral line.

I had an affair, a short lived one, during the time my husband was contracting out of state. I am aware of the fact that it was a stupid decision on my behalf. I am not proud of it and i will not put excuses to justify it. I do will acknowledge that it felt so good to hang out with a man only 6 years older than me, who had the vitality, energy and motivation ro court me and made me feel like a woman capable of passion and emotion for him just as he was for me. I loved the attention he lavished on me, and even an argument we had, we were able to resolve the problem in a way i had never done with anyone else, without having to get nasty physically or verbally. During that time i got a new awareness of myself as a desirable woman to a man's eyes, i got a new awareness of my sexuality, i even felt aroused more often, i felt things i had never felt before, nor i was aware i could feel. Like i said, the affair brought a new self awareness that made me feel fulfilled. I became more assertive, less shy, i felt as if i was blooming from being a "pupa" all those past years to becoming into the "butterfly" i was meant to be once i matured. Does that make any sense? has anyone else out there ever felt like this?

I went to the state where he was working at the time and told him i wanted a divorce, then i lfet back home. Then my husband found out about the other man. He quit the contracting job and came back home saying he wanted to save our marriage. But of course he was angry at me (with good reason) and called every friend, every relative and even the church's pastor to let them know about my affair. I wish he hadn't done that. I wish he had given me the same courtesy i gave him when i had to go bar hopping trying to find him all passed out and take him home safe, putting up with his snappy nagging attitudes when he was hungover or even the time he beat the hell out of me when i was 7 months pregnant. I didn't call anyone, i ate it up asking God to change him, and thinking that keeping his good image with everyone else would help him feel motivated to change. To me remaining silent was a way to protect his self-esteem so he could get over this bumps easily without having anyone reproach him or get into stuff that wasn't their business...on the other hand i also feared him getting upset at me for telling anyone, he had threatened me before not to tell anyone about his drunkenness and eventual physical abussiveness. So he quit drinking and smoking. I am glad for him. But i do wish he had been kind enough to keep the affair news between him and me and maybe a church counselor before making it public. Now i have to put up with the scrutiny of some friends and relatives, who sometimes make remarks directed to me and intended to make me feel bad. The fact he told them somehow makes them feel like he gave them permission to pester and criticize. And it has made things so unbearable, sometimes i think i am better off divorcing and getting a new start rather tan putting up with all this and him arguing with me in front of the kids and telling my 3 year old son to call me "a f***** whore". We tried marriage counseling at church but then we had to move out of state again. Nothing has changed, he is his same old, unmotivated, lazy self. He has been severly overweight and diabetic for 4 years now and he blames it for his anger rages and bad moods. He keeps buying all the food he shouldn't eat and he expects me to eat it too, sometimes i feel like he wants me to become a big fat ugly lady so nobody can see me with good eyes. He keeps saying he has "emotional rollercoasters" because of my unfaithfullness and he questions and suspects of me all the time. I understand he will doubt me and trust takes time to be rebuilt, but honestly i wonder if it is worth sticking it out or just getting out of it. In his angry rages he's told me he will kill me if i divorce him and get custody of the kids. He won't allow another man in my life to raise them and that he'd rather hunt me down. So fear for my life has been a big factor in stikcing with him. I know he would kill me. I don't have proof of his threats other than my personal witness. I wish i had been able to record him or had someone hear him when he did. But he is smart and won't do it anywhere someone else can hear him.

He keeps telling people we're trying to rebuild our marriage, but i don't love him, i fear him. And sex, even though it's just 5 mins. long, i feel so dirty, so sickened. I can't go to the store by myself, he fears i will meet someone else and have another affair. I know he doesn't like me taking care of my weight. He always refuses my ideas and thoughts, nothing is good enough, it's his way or no way. He criticizes me so much, and says i'm so young and immature. He claims to be a big christian man and he says that if he doesn't see any christian growth within me he won't accept that. I think only God can judge that, my walk with God is a business between Him and me. I know a husband can guide and help but it feels so wrong when he judges me. I cut him some slack before when he was going through quitting alcohol and cigarrettes, why can't he cut me some slack while i'm maturing and reciprocate the same courtesy i gave him? is that because i can't beat the hell out of him?

I just feel like i souldn't fear anymore. I want to be able to be me, without being judged. I want to love and be loved in return.

I wish he was opened to the idea of divorce so we could do it in the most amicable way. I don't want to take his money, i am young and capable. I've been told the grass isn't greener on the other side...at this point in my life sometimes other grass might not be greener but be better than this one.

I am confused as to what path i should take. I have no relatives and my few friends live in different states. So whatever decision i take i'm going to have to do it on my own and be strong enough.

View related questions: affair, alcoholic, bankrupt, christian, divorce, drunk, immature, money, overweight, shy

<-- Rate this Question

Reply to this Question

Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!

A reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2008):

Sorry, mistake. One ladies experience and the other ladies good common sense....