A
female
age
,
*ickandtired
writes:Well, here is an interesting story that I need some input on. I am a 47 year old woman who has been through, and learned from, my share of life's problems. About three months ago, a woman friend of mine fixed me up (yikes!) with a friend of hers who's she's known for a long time. He's 47 as well, and has been divorced, and caring solely for two sons for many years...about 15... We hit it off tremendously...so many things in common, so many past life events in common... Then...the really weird problem. My man is very mild mannered and 'shy' as he puts it. He's an engineer so is very methodical and straightlaced...however, he has this best friend, along with a group of other male friends, who are like a bunch of college frat boys. They are mostly married...but the best friend seems to control my man's life and is always intruding in our relationship, including saying some really crude and insulting things to me...when I expressed this to my boyfriend, he was unable to do anything to support me and it has now turned into somewhat of a rift, making me look like the evil ogre who is trying to come between him and his friend. The friend has been very supportive of him over the years when his life has been very hard and I know my man has a great emotional attachment to him (a bit creepy isnt that?)....but its winning out over the feelings he has for me...and, last night...he broke things off with me. he'd been with his buddies over the weekend and I think he was egged on to do it, because he was kind of angry with me, and he's not at all like that. Keep in mind readers, that we're middle aged adults, not college kids! This is so weird, and so upsetting that he would trash something so great, for a guy...I know I'm new, a risk, whereas the guy has been there for ten years...but really....is the best buddy going to keep him warm at night? I just dont get this, and I'm rather devastated... Any thoughts so I can understand? Thank you
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female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (10 April 2008):
 Hi Randi
Well I think the fact that you chatted with your friend and now know how her husband feels about the way your man treated you is really good.
You have now got things out in the open and as you say if you are fine with everything as it is then do let him stew. I was just worried that this may fester inside you.
He is a fool and that is all that you can say about him, it make take him a while to realise exactly what he has lost but maybe at that stage you may well have moved on from him and he is the bigger loser at the end of the day.
I understand what you say about how ridiculous this whole scenario is and how infantile this whole situation is which is amazing considering the age of this man. However, he has surrounded himself with men who are so immature that possibly he does not want to grow up and when men hit the 40 age boundaries they do seem to lose some brain cells it seems.
Take care and always remember I am here for you anytime OK.
BFN
Sharon
x
A
female
reader, sickandtired +, writes (10 April 2008):
sickandtired is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Sharon,
More great words, thank you! I had a long afternoon yesterday with the woman friend who introduced me and this guy - everyone seems to think we are the perfect match! ha! I agree with your ideas about the unresolved issues..I've had a lot of insights in the last few days about what probably went wrong. But, I'm more from the school that this guy needs to 'sit in his dirty diaper' for a while and HE needs to be the one to figure out what he did wrong, and to realize that he made a mistake. Its still dumbfounding the way he suddenly turned on me and left - it had to have had to be because his friends egged him on to do it, and that's not ok. HE has to be the one to decide to make the break from these juevenille guys and as much as I try to talk to him, I dont think it will work...Somehow he flipped a switch in his head over a two day period and I dont think I can do anything about that.
After my talk with our friend yesterday, I realize that I was putting up with lots more from him than I should have. Why at my age I was doing that, I dont know. I cared alot about him but was not getting what I should have in some ways. Also, my friend's husband is a very good friend of my mans....they are both very upset with the way he left me so I know that they will give him a good scolding when they see him next. That might carry more weight that me trying to get through to him at this point. Really, with the way he treated me and left so abruptly, he doesnt deserve my trying to clear anything up with him.
Anyway, its very early here in my part of the world and I'm up since I cant sleep....its great writing to you, thanks and have a great day!
Randi
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (10 April 2008):
I am so glad that my words helped in some small way as you are never sure whether to say how you see something or not and although it may be a little cruel to be kind I think honesty is the best policy.
Look I am of similar age to yourself and I think after experiencing what my ex put me through you get to see men in a different light.
Believe me though if some gorgeous guy who had a heart of gold swept me off my feet tomorrow I would consider myself extremely fortunate.
Right back to earth now, I do believe in love very much and I believe that we do have more than one love in our lives but I think the points you have mentioned about his friend being so cruel and rude with vulgar insults just means to say that he sees himself as one of the lads. The other point you made is that he has been bringing up his two sons on his own now for about 15 years, so it is all males around this man of yours and he has to portray a certain bravado it seems.
Yes his mates have been there for him but no they are not there to give him the woman's touch and the gentleness that only someone close can give.
I just feel that if he can be so easily lead right now will he always be the same for the rest of his life. You also said that your man was very mild mannered and shy well perhaps he is just not an assertive man who will ever get that inner strength to stand up to this best mate of his.
Look personally I do feel though that you have unresolved issues here and unless you get them off your chest it is going to fester away inside of you, why not write to him and put your side of things to him. Tell him that he has hurt you to the core as you thought your relationship was so much stronger than it has turned out to be and that you could never imagine that this man who you loved could be so swayed by a cruel and vulgar friend rather than standing up for you the woman who used to mean so much to him.
You could also say how let down you feel and that it has made you truly analyse the way your relationship got to this point and what things you will take away from this whole experience to your future relationships.
You could also point out how much you feel that it seems as though his best friend must have felt threatened or jealous of your relationship with him and that is all you can assume as you have never been told the real reasons for the break up from him alone on his own talking to you face to face without his buddies goading him on as that is how it felt to you when it ended.
Only a few points but you get what I am saying as I think OK they may hit some raw nerves but right now what have you got to lose really as you are already broken up so unless you can draw a complete line under this relationship and move forward without these questions being answered I think you will continue to question yourself and that may affect any future relationships you have which just isn't fair on you or any future partner.
Just don't blame yourself and do get a little angry inside but always make sure that whatever you finally decide you are doing it for you and what you want to achieve at the end of the day.
I ask myself every day what I really want out of life and I try my hardest to get closer to that goal as I think we need to strive for what we want otherwise what is the point.
I also believe that after losing my dad last year it has taught me that we are only here once and so we have to make the most of our time here and enjoy every minute. Do things that make you happy OK and don't let this whole situation get you down, you are stronger than this bunch of guys, us women always are that is why we can manage to look after the children, do the housework, hold down jobs and still remember to send birthday cards on time.
Keep smiling and know that I am normally around here most of the time OK.
Speak soon and stay strong, focused and positive, you will get through this and come out stronger the other side OK. Just keep telling yourself that.
BFN
Country Woman (Sharon)
x and a big hug for making sure you believe in you now!!!
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A
female
reader, sickandtired +, writes (9 April 2008):
sickandtired is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear CountryWoman,
what a great response and just what I needed to be reminded of. I have been around the block so many time and really struggled with learning my lessons so all of what has gone on here, I understand...just as you said it.... but its just so incredibly insane that at our age, something this childish could happen, and could destroy a relationship that we both thought was 'it' for us. Of course all I'm wondering now is what kind, if any, of remorse he may be feeling. I know he has the security of his buddies back, who are probably cheering him on, but he has GOT to miss the closeness and comfort that we had together. I would think that at some point, soon, he'd get hit by the 'what the heck did i do" lightning bolt. but, then again, he's this pig headed and controlled by his crude and piggish friend, that he may never see the impact of what he's done.
thanks so much for writing. would love to hear more of your thoughts.
RLN
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (9 April 2008):
Yes you are the new hen in the roosters coup so to speak and the best friend is somewhat threatened by you and knows how to press all your buttons.
He is possibly jealous of seeing his friend happy. Maybe the best friend is not as happy at home as he makes out or he may even fancy you himself. You never can tell.
If your man is always going to be lead by others then nothing is going to change that. He needs to know what he has lost and why this has all happened.
You could write to your man and put down your feelings on paper so that he can try and read this when he is alone, ask him to at least do that for you rather than sharing your letter with his so called buddies.
If you ask me though if your man is weak now then nothing will change that unless he gets a massive jolt and would you truly want to be with a weak man who has to get his guidance from his buddies rather than the woman in his life.
Relationships are about compromise and if he is not prepared to give your relationship the one on one time it needs and his buddy time as a separate time then it would never work out.
His best mate sounds like a complete p****t so maybe you have had a lucky escape eh!
Just don't let them see that they have got to you, keep your head up high and try and let your man see that you are not a weak woman who falls to bits when he dumps her. Come back stronger and more determined than ever and you may even see him realising what he has let go for his so called friend.
Keep smiling and stay busy OK.
BFN
Country Woman
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