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female
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anonymous
writes: I have been married for 13 years, of which 10 of those years my husband has not physically been attracked to me. We have a great marriage other than that. At first we still had physical contact hugs, kisses, and hand holding, etc. But about three years ago those began linger. My husband loves to race motorcycles and is very passinate about it. 8 months ago I went to him again and told him that I was lonely and wanted more from our marriage, our kids are grown and we have a new beautiful home and I wanted to spend more time together and become a couple again. He basically told me to get a life and that he would not give up racing for anyone. I was really depressed for about three months then I saw a person I've known for awhile in a different way. A relationship developed that has become a true romance. I went to my husband and told about him and we agree to separate. I agreed to go to counseling in an effort to save my marriage. My husband has changed because of the affair, and wants me to come home as if nothing ever happened. The new romance has developed into love and he has asked that I divorce my husband and marry him. He tells that my husband had a fair chance and his turn is over now. The new romance has a 5 year old daughter and he is a different race than me, so there would be hardships to overcome.I do love both men, and I don't want to hurt either. What should I do? Is it to late for my husband since he waited for an affair to decide to be a better husband? or should I give the new romance a real chance?Any advice would be greatly appreciated.Thanksundecided...
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2006): You willfully entered into this lifelong commitment, so now I feel, you are committed to make it work. If you can't live by those rules now, why do you think you will be able to make this new relationship, even better. You need to realize that often happiness comes more from giving than receiving, so put your energies into your marriage and not into this other man. Perhaps you need to seek counseling with your husband to work on the problem areas of your marriage or to develop a deeper friendship and romance with your husband over time. Keeping your family intact and making a serious effort to strengthen your marriage. This will not only benefit you and your husband, but your adult children and any future grandchildren, as well. If you have a problem with your husband deal with it through good marriage counseling. But I feel it's unfair to your husband not to address the problems simply because there is a lover is waiting on the sidelines. I think you need to ask yourself if you would feel this brave, if you knew that leaving your husband would mean you would be living your life, completely alone? This new lover may end up being a passing fancy...a way out. But there are certainly no guaruntees with him, either. Try to envision where you may be say...10 years down the road with the new man. Your husband is certainly not perfect, and he is guilty of ignoring you. But through it all, he remained 'true blue' to you, there was no infidelity on his part, except a love affair with motorcycles. Which man do you think has the most honorable character? The one who has stuck by you through the worst of times or the one who blatantly stepped into a illicit affair with another man's wife?
A
female
reader, Jadzia1127  +, writes (9 March 2006):
 The comment 'The grass is greener on the other side' pops up when I read the comments about going for the new romance.
You need to think with a clear head. Sit down and write a list of pro's and cons of each man, putting into consideration of children and their relationships with you and each man. Then you can make an informed decision.
If you do choose to leave your marriage you might have the sex, but there will be other problems. The grass is hardly ever really greener on the other side, it is just different.
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A
male
reader, Somebody +, writes (9 March 2006):
I have to disagree with the others here. My wife and I were having problems within our marriage, but neither of us realized how serious it was until she had an affair.I know this doesn't excuse a partner's behavior, but sometimes we forget that we need to work at a marriage and make compomises. We may take the marriage for granted thinking "For better or worse, 'til death do us part" and forget that romance needs to be there.Her affair was a wake up call for both of us. I never thought about losing my wife until I was faced with her actually leaving me. That revelation has changed the way I approach my marriage. I am now more caring, understanding, compromising, affectionate, etc...I think people can change if the reason for changing is powerful enough in their life. For my wife and I - the affair changed our life and we are closer now than before. It is possible that your husband took you for granted because he never thought you would leave, but now realizes that he has to work to save his marriage and be with the woman he loves.Affairs tend to fizzle out because they are taboo and exciting, but are usually only there to replace what you may not be getting within your marriage. If your husband is willing to give you what you need to be happy - give him a chance (if you still love him). Just be honest to yourself and choose what is best for you.If you do leave the marriage - I would not suggest starting another relationship right away, as you may still be vulnerable. And do you really want to start a new life with a man who is willing to sleep with a married woman? You may not be his only affair.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2006): I totally agree with Smeedle. Go for the new romance. Your husband may truly want to change to better suit your needs... but, the change will be temporary. He will soon get back to his original self. This does not make him a bad person. It's just the way we, as humans are. Tell your husband that you think he will have to change too much and it's not fair on your part to expect him to change for you. Part on good terms if you can.I wish you luck with the new romance. You truly deserve a loving relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2006): Go with the new man,i'm in this situation i had a affair told my husband what i had done hoping he might take notice,didnt bother him as he knew he was to blame as well for what i did.He wont change,its to late now,let him stay with his motorbikes,probably loves them more,like mind is a gym freak.be happy.
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A
female
reader, smeedle  +, writes (9 March 2006):
 Go for it with the new romance, forget the colour of his skin and ignore any comments others may make, if anyone deserved an intimate loving relationship it is you.
Your husband woke up to the fact that other men find you attractive and now it is too late.
He will not really change he is just saying this to get you back and any change will only last for a short time.
Forget and divorce husband and find happines with new bloke
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