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female
,
anonymous
writes: My new boyfriend loves me very much and he says I'm the perfect woman for him, apart from one thing: my past. He just can't let it lie and brings it up in a jokey way that hurts, or by going quiet. Then I have to get it out of him. I've been seeing him six months now and it really is the best yet but this hurts so much. I can't erase the past for him so what can I do? His issues are that I went with a married man and he has high values and no amount of explaining why will help him, even though the guy and his wife had seperated already and are now both happy with different partners, and yes, it was 20 years ago. I'm 43 and hes 40.
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reader, Angel-lee +, writes (25 November 2005):
tell him that its going to ruin your relationship if he keeps living in the past and that you can take it anymore. Everyone has a past. He needs to be reminded that whats in the past is excatly that.....in the past! your with him now so what does it matter. Tell him how you are feeling and tell him that its getting you down. Tell him that he has got a past too but that you dont bring it up all the time. Be honest with him, if this persists tell him that the relationship isnt going to work with him going on all the time. Reassure him that you love him and want to be with him. the past is the past
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2005): Your boyfriend needs to grow up and stop acting daft for god sake it was 20 years ago what done is done we all make mistakes if he can't get over something that happen 2 decades ago then all i can say is ditch him.
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A
male
reader, gtpjeff +, writes (22 November 2005):
at 40 you would think he's grown up..it was 20 years ago..let it go!!!Everybody makes mistakes, after all we are only human...he needs to grow up..there are plenty of guys out there that will respect your past..good luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2005): Would you really be that much happier if he had 'low values'?
The fact that you are still rationalizing it (they are both happy now, it was 20 years ago) sounds like to me you havent learned much and modified your own moral thinking. Maybe your bf isnt much impressed by the way you sluff it off either.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2005): If he isn't going to let your past go, then he is telling you that this relationship has no future. He has not grown up, yet. Anyone his age should understand that everyone his age has a past, and that is part of what has made you so attractive to him. We learn to be who we are from our past lives and experiences. The fact that you dated a married man and no longer date him is part of who you have become. You don't date married men now. Sit down and talk to him. He either has to get over this, or find someone else. There is no point dating a guy who wants to use something you can't change to hammer you with. Maybe that is his character flaw and explains why he is single at age 40, NO?
If he won't change, find someone else. You will be much happier. He is not the Mr. Right you hoped he would be.
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