A
male
age
41-50,
*egularJoe
writes:Hello I am seeking some advice for myself and a friend.I have been involved with someone who is in a relationship for the last 18 months.We are not just talking about a purely sexual affair, it is a very much a relationship, seeing each other almost every day, our friendship is very important and she is, as much as I hate to use a term I never believed in before I met her, my soul mate.The relationship she is in is one that is 10 years long, of which the last 4 have been a long distance, weekend only, staying under separate roofs arrangement.She has been threatening to leave him for the last 12 months but doesn't have the courage, spine, any number of things, to do so.I never expected it to be a quick process and have been very patient throughout the months of talking they have been doing, with him refusing to do it over the phone, leaving only weekends for progress to be made.They have not been intimate together for nearly a year, in any shape or form, which to me shows a lot of commitment on his part, or denial... I'm not sure.I could list all the problems they have but when you don't share the same interests, life goals ( somewhat typical he wants kids and a housewife, she wants a career) want to live in the same city, and neither is willing to compromise to fix it, its destined for failure. She originally attempted to just run it into the ground, making him angry, and hoping he would realise they were not right for each other and leave .... that didn't work. Just when she seems to be making progress it all comes undone.I have basically distanced myself from her over the last few months in a bid to make her push things along.I catch up with her maybe once or twice a month to see how its all going and see if any progress has been made.The latest is that when she spoke with him, he poured his heart out saying in what a bad way he was, suffering from depression, which he has suffered before, very early in theirrelationship, in which she was too young to know what to do and pushed him away to sort out himself. Something she feels guilt for along with cheating on him for the last 18months saying that he didn't deserve to be treated in such a way, oh and add to that the promise of moving back with him 4 years ago.I think a lot of it comes back to him putting his life on hold, and waiting for the day when his plans for a perfect life came to fruition. A day which has not come in 4 years and is not going to happen anytime soon. I feel in a similar position but have realised this, which is why I have started to look at moving on in life without her as part of it.He of course knows nothing about me, and our affair, and if he did she honestly thinks it would push him over the edge.She says he is in a bad way right now, and that if she was to leave him and cut him off completely (which is something I want, at least in the short term, so there can be someseparation, closure and acknowledgment that the relationship is over) she fears what he may do to himself, i.e he sounded suicidal, talking about a pain in his head that never goes away.After 10 years you know someone well enough to know which buttons to press to get what you want. I believe he is very much preying on her emotions and manipulating her and making her feel horrible about years of disappointment.I have done a lot of reading on the web, and forums and advice posts trying to offer her advice, none of which she will take because according to her, "everyone is different"Now I am a very logical thinking person, whereas I have realised she is an emotional one.I personally believe, whether its biased or not, but she cannot be part of the solution if she is part of the problem.Helping him get better, however long it may take is just causing him to become more dependent on her.Next time she tries to leave, he can use the same excuses to keep her around again causing a vicious cycle.She has no intention of staying with him or fixing their relationship, her current plan is to sit and hope that he realises he has a life without her.....My suggestion is to speak with his family and let them know the situation, as his Mum helped him with his earlier bout, and perhaps be their to support him on his first visit to see a therapist, and see what the therapist recommends for him. I don't know if anyone else that has been in this position can comment.Are therapists likely to say, remove the problem, or don't make any drastic changes?I am looking for some advice or solutions to this ongoing saga, even if I am not part of this, I would hate for her to have wasted another year of her life, and his, when she could be looking after her own happiness, and he could be moving on to find someone that would truly make him happy.RJ.
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female
reader, aphexinfinite +, writes (10 January 2009):
 hi,
a friend of mine was in a marriage and it was great but then it went down hill no romance sort of the same as you although he was cheating on her with her bestfriend. she found out and he wouldnt leave her because she was suicidal and what not so their marrige is over and he is still with her but it wont work it wont be a relationship.. my friend however has got on with her life and is now doing better than she ever was it made her stronger.. i think you should walk a way because if she loved you if she felt the way you do nothing would of stopped her from leaving him and being with you.. to me all i see is excuses and your asking us if we think that you should wait for her that she will leave him..in all honesty its more than likely she wont and shes having her cake and eating it im not saying its a great situation shes in but she can only get herself out and personally i think she is happy to and extent..i think you should walk away and get on with your life and find that someone that is out their for you..she doesnt have back bone and i think she is pathetic she is hurting two people and it will blow up in her face she wants people to do things for her when she needs to learn she has to do it for herself you wont he wont always be their to do the dirty washing..sorry if its not what your looking for but thats how i feel.. good luck with what you choose in life aphex xx
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