A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been together 4 years. For the most part it's pretty good except for money. He relies on me too much to take care of things financially. I should mention hes been back and forth we don't live together as a married couple yet. I had to pay for his visa to get here and his trips that where we meet to be together. I paid for the spousal visa as well. My mind is rolling because he needs his biometrics done before he comes and yet again hes asking for 500.00 to have that done. I asked him to contribute as hes making money as well. In his mind he thinks because I make more I should be paying. It's a very mixed up mindset and I dislike it. We have not seen each other since last year because of the whole covid thing. It's been difficult. However, that doesn't stop him from asking for money favors. Sometimes it feels like this is all about money for him. I should mention I'm 10 years older than him...Any advice?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2021): I have to disagree with many here.
It doesn't sound like scam to me. They are married.
She knows the man.
In many cultures that are not western values are very different. In Africa for example it's not shameful to ask for money: a friend, relative who is less fortunate and thinks you have more is not shy to ask for money in every occasion where he sees you. He might have money but because you have more , he asks. Reasons are often made up and not true: kids school, doctor visits etc. It happens even within family. Siblings, nephews come over to just ask for money.
Mothers often act as mediators between less and more fortunate siblings. A mother can start literally harassing one of her children to help financially other.
I observed lots and lots of new couples where white western spouse is struggling to make any sense of their relationship as it seems that it's all about money. I also observed couples who are together for 10+ years and the issues is not that troublesome.
It might not make any sence to us but in many third world countries Sharing is the biggest part of the culture as so cial help from government is non existant. For example old people have no pensions and grown kids have an obligation to support them.
Though your husband is making making some money but he is still very young. He probably makes money only for daily bread. Visas and travels is unreachable horizon for him.
Anything extra is not realistic for him unless you pay for it. I am. It saying he is telling you the whole truth on ghd amount, probably not, but that's a different issue.
If you think that somewhere in a cututre he will be paying for trips or visas or others extras..dont hold hour breath.
At this point I can tell you that you are very very lucky that at least he has a job . Hope that helped
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2021): Green card scam.When I was a kid my friends mom married a guy from mexico.The mom was a nurse and made good money so he never worked.After a while he became a American citizen.Then he moved his other wife and his five kids from mexico into his American wife's house.She was livid.She had to legally evict them.You are being used.I'm fact I would report him to immigration so he does not pull this scam on any other unsuspecting victim like he did to you.Do not send this scammer money.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2021): It horrifies me that someone of your age is so naive about men and relationships, far too trusting for your own good.
I would have picked up this guy is a freeloader and user when I was fifteen, why can't you? There are guys who target women over seas, women who are single, women who re older, women who are not very smart or on the ball, just for money, this guy has done this to you, and even after he has done it over and over again you still cannot see it. You pay up so that you can maintain the illusion of not being single and alone. And you cannot see it is just an illusion, just a pipe dream.
Why would anyone sensible take on a partner who is bereft of money anyway even if they lived with them and saw them every day, it's stupid.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (15 January 2021):
I wouldn't say it's a scam necessarily, you don't give enough info for us to know his intentions.
Could be be taking money from you with no intention of actually coming to live with you in a traditional way? Certainly. It's been 4 years so that's a little suspicious.
But it's also possible that he thinks money is not much of an issue for you so you should be able to pay for these things. You can always tell him how you feel and that he'll have to contribute more. If it feels like he's only interested in moving the relationship along when you pay for it, then maybe it's time to start questioning whether he's right for you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 January 2021):
 Also, out of TOTAL curiosity, What country is he from and how did you meet?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2021): This rings a lot of alarm bells for me. A partner should not be asking for money all the time. And if you are married, in my view, you should be living together or at least in the same country first. Never marry someone so they can get a Visa. Has scam written all over it
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (14 January 2021):
 I agree with the other Aunts that have answered here. I was reading your post and the word scam just kept leaping out at me with every line I read.
I would not mind betting that the money that you are sending him is not going towards or paying for what you think its paying for. Its more than likely he is living off of it himself, or contributing to another family.
Was there not any alarm bells or red flags that you noticed before you got married?. Or did you see them but chose to ignor them hoping they will go away?.
Anyway, up to now what is done is done, you can't unscramble scrambled eggs. From now on I would refrain from sending anymore money. Then I would go and seek some legal advice and see where you stand on getting out of this mess.
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (14 January 2021):
 From what you've written here, this does seem like a scam on his end. It seems to me that he will probably always feel comfortable enough to live off of you. This is a very difficult situation because you're already married to him. Your options seem very limited now. Ultimately, you've got to ask yourself whether or not you can live like this and some decisions need to be made. I hope that you make the right ones, for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2021): Wise up. He only wants you for your money. He will disappear when your money runs out and he will be no loss.
Why on earth did you want to marry such a loser and user in the first place?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2021): This is so unfortunate for you. Had you sought some advice before you married the man; maybe you might have been persuaded to be more careful about marrying someone living overseas, requiring so much financial assistance. You're always paying for the flights, sending money, and you spend no time together. The only connection you have with this so-called husband is through your bank account.
Your marriage is a scam. I think you already know that. You are "paying" for a husband and male-companionship. It was your choice, and that's how it is. Occasionally, he makes an appearance, to make sure the money keeps coming.
You wrote DC, but you may only be looking for sympathy; because it's too embarrassing to talk about it with your relatives or friends.
I am so very sorry. I don't think you're looking for advice, you want our sympathy. You've got it.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (13 January 2021):
 Agreed. The words 'Green card scam' were running through my mind like a digital news ticker.
This IS all about money for him. And at 36-40 years old, you should be wise enough to see him for what he is.
He shouldn't be 'contributing' to getting whatever it is he needs. He should be paying for it himself. It's not as if you two already live together, he was a decent guy and you were sharing the bills.
Time for you to wise up and stop playing the useful idiot.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 January 2021):
So OP,
When he comes to America do you intend on paying for everything? Because it seems like HE thinks that is your responsibility even though he has an income. Does he have education that makes him getting a job easy?
HOW interested is he in coming to live with you? If he can't even SAVE up for the various documents and immigration processes?
Sounds like he is BILKING you... He doesn't see you as his equal partner but as his "free money" ATM.
YOU paid for all his trips to come see you? And you seeing him? And you wonder WHY he keeps asking for money?
You have set no boundaries. He will bleed you dry.
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