A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm currently living with my adult brother and 70-year-old father due to the lockdowns, and have been since March. Being in close proximity to each other has made some issues really obvious. A huge one is that my dad talks all the time about things that we really don't care about, but they're not conversations - they're basically monologues. He talks AT us, not to us. A few months ago he asked me how work was going, and I remember being really surprised - that's how rare it is for him to ask anything about our lives. He spends all day watching YouTube videos or reading, then simply regurgitates all the information to us as soon as he catches one of us. I don't want him to feel lonely, but I honestly do avoid running into him during the day because I just don't have time to listen to it all.My brother has Asperger's syndrome, and to be honest I think my dad does too, but he's not diagnosed. He seems to have genuinely no idea when we want to stop his monologue. Often I'm just running to the kitchen to make a quick tea before I have to get back to my desk and work, and he'll catch me and launch into telling me aaaaall about the latest thing Trump has done, or whatever. It goes on and on, and I often end up walking away to try to indicate that I need to get back, and he'll follow me. Sometimes I get all the way to the top of the stairs and he'll stand at the bottom and continue a bit louder, and I have to just "Mmhhhm" until he's done. It's infuriating, but if I were to interrupt and say "Sorry, I really can't talk right now", he'd get huffy. When someone upsets him, he sulks and gives the whole house a bad atmosphere. And besides, there's never a break in the flow where I can get a word in. It truly is 100% one-sided.Because our dad basically raised us solo (my mum died 16 years ago), I don't think my brother and I have ever really learned to communicate, because dad doesn't know how to do it. We have never once sat down as a family and said "Look, there's an issue here, let's figure out what to do", about anything. We've always tended to solve problems ourselves, behind our dad's back, rather than risk making him angry or upset or "getting into trouble". But this situation is getting unbearable now. My brother comes to complain and vent to me multiple times a day about dad, and it's starting to feel like more than I can take. Does anyone have any advice for subtly letting our father know that this monologuing is really bothering us? Am I the asshole here for not just patiently letting him get on with it?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2021): Hi
Your dad is 70 appreciate the time you have left with him, and have a little bit more respect for him. I miss my dad so much and he could talk the hind legs off a donkey sometimes, wish I could sit and listen to him waffling on now.
If you do not like his company, then all go and live in your own places and communicate with yourself.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2021): This is the OP. I feel like there's a lot to respond to here, and I hope I'll have time later, but I just wanted to clarify the living situation. I was renting, but when the pandemic started I came home to take care of dad. I've been doing all the shopping since March, so that he doesn't need to risk going into supermarkets. If he became ill with covid, he'd need someone here to help; my brother would be useless! So I don't feel I can leave until this is over. I also do all the cleaning, the majority of the cooking, the laundry, and contribute financially. I never expected to move back here, and working from home while basically running a household has been stressful (the place had absolutely gone to shit with just the men living here and I couldn't live in that state). But I love my dad very much and enjoy spending quality time with him in the evening when we can relax. I didn't mean to sound like I don't love him. I'm just very frustrated and don't feel I have the social skills to make a change, and the covid situation just keeps getting worse.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (13 January 2021):
 Think of constructive criticism like a painful vaccination. Necessary sometimes, but they can be very painful. Thankfully the latter only lasts a few seconds. Try doing that with the first one.
With people like your dad you have to be blunt and train them almost like you'd train a dog. Don't sit him down and try to explain the big picture, but learn techniques to deal with each scenario as it comes up. Be upbeat, firm, confident, unapologetic and CONSISTENT. You're not doing this for a few months, but from now on.
If you act like you feel guilty, he understands that to mean you're doing something wrong and he'll sulk. Ignore the pissed mist.
An example you could use when he starts talking and you're trying to get back to work: 'I have to get back to work, but you can tell me about that when my shift ends and I've had something to eat.' Then walk away cheerfully and don't answer anything he says. Act like you honestly didn't hear it, or realise he was speaking to you.
Don't expect the results you want right from the start. This is a process, like losing weight or learning a new skill. Just keep doing it, and eventually things can change.
Plus if your dad gets some of what he wants, and knows he can rely on it, he will become easier to deal with.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2021): It's his house and his OLD.
Nothing will change him.
That's why why my husband and I don't live with his mother. We've given her an apartment and we support her and help her with everything she needs. We talk to her regularly and have her over for holidays (we live in a different country).
We would never be able to live with her. She's self-absorbed and never shuts up. But we take care of her and spend time with her on our terms.
So, you have two choices: move out or be nice and tell your brother to do the same.
And I'm saying this as someone who grew up taking care of my senile grandmother. I really care about older people. But I don't think we should spend our lives indulging them. For that you need to be responsible for your own life, financially and otherwise.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2021): A family I know and mix with have aspergers, none of them were "officially diagnosed when young, but I am a qualified therapist and picked it up quickly once I got to know them. As you may know there are some who are very aspergery and show all of the traits and some who are diluted and appear quite normal most of the time. I can assure you that one of them is very aspergery, far worse than your father, his own daughters phone us to complain about when he tried to talk at them with another long monologue today, and avoid him a lot of the time.You do not learn how to communicate. You do not need lessons from parents. You should be doing it automatically. If you can do it here you can do it in the real world face to face. The reason you do not is that you do not want your father to know what you really think of him and tell you to move out.But none of them have the cheek to expect him to house them, shelter them,ll feed them, give them money and help. You are biting the hand that feeds you. And intolerant and selfish. The man is lonely, what else has he got to talk about if he is single with only the television and you tube for company much of the time?Either the man is loveable or he is not, if he is not then don't take from him. Stand on your own two feet.You ought to be thinking of ways to help him be less bored and lonely with all he is doing for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2021): First, let me remind you...it's HIS house! Whenever you have a problem with someone that you feel unsolvable, or a conflict you feel cannot be diffused; you either distance yourself, or you gather enough courage to face them down to attempt to make a compromise. When you're living in your parents' house, they get special privileges. To be dictators and give monologues. Otherwise, you get your own place.
He is your father. If there are no other people around to communicate with, who is he to talk to? You're 26 years-old, but living with your father? I would think, you'd humor him and just say something like "Dad, that topic is a bit deep for me, please give me a break!" Or..."Dad, I don't like discussing politics; because it seems to get everybody very riled-up!" As for it being a one-sided conversation...how often have you attempted to initiate any conversation with your "host" and former-provider? You present provider for the moment. Just the mere characterization of his conversation in this way: "...then simply regurgitates all the information to us as soon as he catches one of us." Simple response: "Hey, dad, that's a lot to digest...let's talk about this later, I'm in the middle of something." Leave, and let him continue to talk at the base of "his" stairs...in "his" house...as you disrespectfully walkaway and dismiss him.
Old-people are useful when it comes to borrowing money, or having a place to crash when you're broke. Listening to their wisdom or just humoring them in their loneliness is just too much to ask. I was raised in a household with my Indigenous Native American grandparents. Our Native American family-history, traditions, and wisdom for life came from these people. We are taught to respect them as our elders. They've paid their dues, and made-way for us. My grandfather's successful business was passed-down to an uncle. I remember the stories and lessons. I got bored sometimes, and even didn't want to hear them. I learned how to "zone-out" when I don't care to hear what people have to say. At 26, you must have some concept of diplomacy and tact? Bowing-out of an unwanted conversation is as simple as politely excusing yourself. Offer to comeback for a chat later, and be decent enough to follow-through on that promise.
Most dads are absent or distant these days. Nonengaging. You should be grateful for his generosity. Not view him as a pain in the ass; or an inconvenience, until it's time to ask him for money, collect your inheritance, or as someplace to crash when you're down on your luck. The very voice that annoys you will soon enough become silent. The voice belonging to the man who single-handedly raised and supported you and your brother. Surely, you both were perfectly obedient kids and teenagers. Yet he is the one you've turned to when you had no place to go; when you couldn't provide for yourself.
You might have a legitimate complaint, but your tone is belligerent and unloving. If he gets huffy, maybe it's because he has two kids who never listen or show interest in what's happening around them. Who ignore him like he's invisible; until he says something to capture their attention. He's more than the guy who kept a roof over your head, food in your belly, and gave you financial-support; even until you're both adults. He's your single-dad! Elderly-people tend to be chatty, opiniated, annoying, and bossy (if they're healthy and coherent enough); because they're old, and don't wish to be ignored like old relics. If you've had enough of his bloviation, you respectfully excuse yourself. If he follows you, in "his" house; you can consider your other options. Oops, you have none! That's the breaks!
There are respectful ways to excuse yourself; when you are mooching off parents, and intruding on their privacy...but somehow feel they're the ones invading "your" space...in their house! There is a respectful way to ask your parents to allow you a word in edgewise. He still sees you two as his children. Evidently, he is an opinionated-person, but he no longer has a wife to talk to. Now he has two other grown-ass people in his house; but nobody really to vent his concerns or thoughts. No-one interested in discussing the events he has seen over the span of a very long lifetime. We don't get to hear his side of this. I suspect his version would be different. Personally, I would have chosen somewhere other than being stuck indoors with someone who talks too much, won't let me speak, and I have to go behind their backs to do things. You don't need him, just his house...is that it?
Don't worry, the average male lifespan is 76.1 years, in the US as of 2020. Hopefully, you and your adult-brother will have your lives together, and out of his house long before then. By the end of the pandemic, or if your father dies; whichever comes first. Likely you'll both inherit the house. It will be much more quiet by then.
We're here, and we love when people come vent their problems, and regurgitate facts. They can always feel free to tell us exactly what's bugging them, or hurting them, and to vent all their frustrations! Sometimes nobody else cares to listen.
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