A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm getting married in July to a man I love so much and have been with for over three years long distance. We met when his job brought him overseas and we have been inseperable ever since. We speak on the phone everyday, sometimes up to 8 hours at a time and visit each other as much as we can. He has become my best friend and an extension of myself. So finally I have planned on leaving my own country, my family and everything I've ever known to start a new life with him in his country at the end of the year. We have become so close now that we tell each other everything. But recently he dropped a huge bombshell on me about his past that has brought my world crashing down. He told me that 8 years ago he got caught up in a really bad situation that ended with him killing someone. My feelings for him remained the same but now the numbness of it all has passed a little I am now beginning to constantly worry that will I really be safe with someone so far away from home and capable of something like that? He dotes on me endlessly and has never ever shown violent tendencies towards me and my intuition has always told me Im safe and that its right, but its still been playing on my mind. Also the worry that his past may come back to haunt him one day also scares me to death, especially if we have children or something by then. I guess I'm just afraid now that I don't know him as well as I thought. I really thought I had finally found someone laid back that didn't have any issues or skeletons in their cupboard for once. What the hell am I going to do now? Still follow my heart despite all of this? Any help and advice would be appreciated as I can't talk to my friends or family about any of this cos they would freak out. Thankyou so much for listening.
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female
reader, jae  +, writes (15 February 2007):
You are wise to worry. I married a man who worked for the government (CIA). Same thing happened. He literally could not live with the shame/guilt of what he had done. He suffered from post tramatic stress disorder but never got the help he needed. This destroyed our marriage because he was not emotionally available. He was fighting too many internal demons. He had flashbacks and night terrors.
I don't know about your guy. Maybe the situation is different. Does he talk about it? Why did he do it? Did he get real counseling? Does he have guilt? Should he have guilt? Good luck. Jae
A
female
reader, cd206 +, writes (15 February 2007):
 Well.... even some murderers end up happy and married in the end despite their pasts but I must admit I don't know if I could. I think it would take a very strong woman to be there and that it's not an extra pressure you need when you're already moving far from home to be with him. We can't tell you what to do because we can't tell whether he's changed. I think you need to do a lot of soul searching here and realise that if you still have doubts at the end of it there's probably a reason for it.
CD
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