A
female
age
30-35,
*irlwhoneedshelp
writes:Hi guys,I've found the culprit of my low self esteem but don't know how to handle it. My sister is a very very very immature 17 year old. Whenever she speaks to me it's to call me ugly or fat and even a dog. She always always calls me a fat ugly b****. I don't say anything to her and try not to speak to her at all because she only upsets me. I tell her that she shouldn't speak to me this way but she says she only speaks the truth. I'm a size 10(UK size) and don't consider myself as ugly as she makes out but she won't stop. My low self esteem is seriously affecting my relationship. My boyfriend gets upset sometimes when I complain about him speaking to other women. I am very paranoid even though I know deep down I have no reason to be and can trust my boyfriend 100%. He's very supportive and is constantly telling me how gorgeous and sexy he thinks I am but then my sister knocks me straight back down. I've tried ignoring her, I've tried reasoning with her but it's just not working. To make matters worse all my mum does is tell her friends how skinny my sister is and my sister laps it up by saying that she thinks she looks fat. No one seems to notice how nice and slim I am as well so this makes me feel even fatter and uglier. Please help me, have you got any advice?
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female
reader, Midge +, writes (4 February 2008):
 From personal experience with my own two sisters, I can honestly say that giving them a taste of their own medicine on your terms is the best way to sort out the problem. It may not seem like a very mature way of dealing with it, but I found it worked for me. My sisters never again called me names etc.Its really simple and you have to do it in a really subtle way. If she calls you a bitch, then just say "thankyou!" because at the end of the day, a bitch is the name of a female dog and female dogs have got beautiful temperments and are most wonderful creatures. So just smile and say "thank you!". It will knock her right over! If she calls you fat or ugly, just say somethhing like, "Seems like the pot is calling the kettle black!" You havent called her a name in a direct way, just giving it right back. My sisters used to call me things like stupid bitch and a couple of really nasty names, but it soon became apparent that it was the only way to get them to stop. It may sound really silly and immature, but it does work. You will find that their comments become less because they dont like what you are dishing out to them. They can give it, but dont like it back.In any event, you are far from fat at a size 10, and as you say you dont feel ugly, but even if you were, it shouldnt be up to your sister to advise you of that! She should if anything be supporting you. You will find that she has been able to get away with this for such a long time that she will be knocked off her little perch and have a little sense knocked into her.Good luck and let us know how you get on!
A
female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (4 February 2008):
 Maybe my response is less mature than many peoples' here, and COULD add fuel to the fire, but have you tried giving her a taste of her own medicine? This may disempower or invalidate her arguments..your sister is getting sadistic pleasure out of seeing you miserable, so you could give her what she doesn't want to see--your happiness. laugh at her and say something like ' it really gets you off, fantasizing about your sister as fat, huh? wow."; I would beat her to the punch when she's about to say you're fat just say it for her, except critically and disbelieving to try to make her look like the crazy one.
I would target her superficiality, her obsession with appearances and weight..looking at the other aunts' responses though, i favor the first post most. that environment is not healthy for you, and obviously has had negative mental repurcussions. i wonder if you could move in to your bfs?
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A
female
reader, hello1 +, writes (3 February 2008):
 Your sister is jealous. Your going to have to get past the point of caring, she's got her own issues and you should not take what she says seriously. Listen to your b/f, he sounds the only nice one.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (3 February 2008):
 I really think you have got to learn to deal with your sisters negative comments torwards you. Ok so her comments to you are below the belt, out of order and nasty, and of course they are hard to deal with, no one wants to be called these things, espessially if they are not true. Have you ever thought that she says these things because she is jealous of you, because she wishes she was as wonderful and as great as you. The old green eyed monster is a very powerful thing, and can lead people to say the most hurtful and horrible things. You are a uk size 10, which is slim, you have a boyfriend who is always telling you how gorgeous and sexy you are, listen to him because its the truth. So next time she says hurtful comments to you, think to yourself that she wants to be you, and let her awful comments just bounce off you.
To build your self esteem up, and your confidence, try some Paul Mckenna hypnosis CD's, they are great and after you fell revitalised, refreshed, and ready to take on the world. You can find them in most book shops, WH Smiths, woolworths, or look on ebay.
I wish you all the best, and remember that you are beautuful, and never ever let anyone tell you otherwise.
x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2008): To be honest your probably not alone in experiancing this type of interaction with your younger/sister. I think many sisters go through similar banter at some stage and to some varying degree. So firstly don't consider it necessarily as a personal dig against you, but in a way a sister competative situation where it really could be any sisters in alot of families.Your her older sister, she has almost alway lived to some degree in your shadow. You could always do things more confidently than her and she has probably constantly tried to get one over you or bet you at something to show the outside world that she's just as good as you! You may have behaved in a similar way in the event the roles where reversed. So In other words, your taking it a bit too seriously, and now this is where it starts to become your choice in the way you handle it and react and not her responsibility.Many sisters compare their weights, mine is almost unbearable unless she is a good couple of sizes smaller than me, at first it annoyed me, then I found it amuzing, now I think is really is a bit sad and she needs to get over it as it is putting tremendous pressure on her to feel superior to me!! The energy she, and your sister are giving to highlighting how great they are must be tiring!!You have said you know the comments are just bitchy and untrue, you know your attractive and happy with how you look and that is all that matters. She is weirying you down and your letting her because your buying into it!.Make a choice whether it is more important to you how your sister feels about you, or how your partner and yourself are feeling about you. If I was you, her opinion would be low on the priority list. She'll always no matter how skinny she is be your baby sister who is trying to catch up! Please don't take it too seriously, your getting upset about what she says, will pass.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2008): In all honesty, the true culprit of your issues is not your sister but your parents. They are the adults here and the ones who are supposed to teach her about right and wrong. They are the ones who should have never let your sister get away with talking to you that way. As long as your sister has no one to reprimand her, she doesn't see anything wrong with what she is doing. I just don't think your sister knows any better. By not scolding her or punishing her in order to protect you from being bullied and protect her from being a bully, they are accepting this awful behavior. And by accepting it, unbeknownst to them, its almost like their encouraging it. I too was bullied by my older sister when I was a little girl. She used to call me fat, ugly and awful, awful names. This all happened after my mom left and it was just my dad taking care of us. He never protected me against her and I often felt like they would gang up on me. He also had favoritism with her. My mom would have never allowed that. Unfortunately she wasn't around to see it or stop it. Looking back, (I am 27 now), I don't blame my sister, only my dad. How he could have let her get away with that and not protect me, is an issue that I have always had. She was a little girl too and she had alot of anger that she took out on me but she had nobody to step in and tell her it was wrong. That was my dad's job to do as a parent and as an adult. But he just looked the other way and accepted it.My sister looks back on it now and feels awful. She almost can't believe that she was so cruel to me. The way that I got over the opression and belittling that I suffered as a child was when I moved away from home when I was 19. I went to college, became independent, had my own life far away from my family, and it felt so empowering cause I no longer had anyone around me abusing me. In fact, in the real world, most people treat you with respect. I felt so free and elated and being away from them for so many years, I gained back alot of my self respect. You are at an age where you are old enough to be on your own, so I think you should really consider getting out of that abusive situation and finding a place of your own. I think that is your best bet. And from my own experience, I can tell you that it did wonders for my self esteem and its the best thing I ever did.
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