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age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Hi, I don't knwo where to start really but i need some help. I feel like my life is turning into one of those lives where its all sunshine and daises on the front but inside there stuffgoing on i don't know how to deal with. On the outside im a 17yr old girl, im easy to get along with i make friends around college i am always laughing and smiling but if i honestly had to describe myself im seeking for attention because my mother hates me, she runs after me shouting verbal abuse and even goes to the extent of hitting me, she says i dont respect her just because ive sat in the wrong seat in the house. When i was younger i'd just take it as adults knew best but now that im older something snaps inside me and i shout back. I never hit her though, shes my mum. I only decided to write this after this morning i try and try to convinvce myself we are a normal family but i really dont believe we are, i cry almmost everyday thats not normal. She fvours my little sister over me saying i cant do anything right and that i should learn some respect, saying i always badmouth her. I feel like i cant win. Recently my best friend has got a boyfriend and i feel like she doesnt want me around anymore, she never speaks to me or wants to see me, or answers my texts. I feel like im being pushed out. And also there is the fact that i have casual sex with the guy i like because it makes me feel good for something. I know that last statement sounds awful but it really is the least of my worries. I just don't know what to do, my grades suffer for it. Don't get me wrong i love my family we are lucky enough to go on holiday every year and have nice things but i cant help but feel sad, my dad isnt like my mum at all, and although i always protect my little sister she never sticks up for me. I put a brave face on most things i know more kids go through worse stuff, but i cant help but feel lost?
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male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (19 September 2011):
You say a few things in your post which fill me with a lot of help for you and your situation.
Firstly you start by acknowledging that you need help, and that is true, someone in your situation does need some support, some good people to talk their problems through with, and someone to show them some kindness. It is good that you can acknowledge that you do need a bit of help at this time, a lot of teenagers like to tell themselves that everything is fine, that it is all ok, and can't admit to themselves that they are struggling and need some help. This is really an important part of making things better.
Also, you say that you cry every day because of what you are going through, and that it isn't normal that you should have to be upset every day and cry, you are right, it is not normal that you should find yourself in circumstances that make you upset like this.
Let me start by saying that, for someone who is used to their lives being sunshine and daisies on the outiside but harder on the inside, one of your challenges is for you to learn how to show the people who are closest what is going on on the inside by showing it to them on the outside. In other words, being true to yourself. When you chat to people and they ask you how life is going, you probably just say fine and don't talk about it, but to your good friends and close family, you need to be able to tell them about the things that are bothering you. I am sure you have friends who feel like they can tell you about the things that are bothering them, don't you? If it is ok for them to do it, you can do it too. However, some people find it easier to talk about their problems than other people, if you find it difficult, now is a good time to start learning how to and to make a start.
It is also important to know that just because your mum is your mum does not give her the right to verbally abuse you, or to hit you. She is not doing the right thing, and even though you can't control her behaviour and tell her how to be, it is important that you know that she is not behaving properly, and you don't deserve to be hit or shouted at. When we are young we think of our parents as perfect and wise, but the truth is that often parents aren't close to being either of those things. You mum shouts and hits because she never learned a better way of relating to people, she never learned how to deal with her anger in a way that didn't involve shouting at people or hitting people, and she never learned how to communicate properly without having to react badly under certain conditions. I am sorry that your mum is not able to treat you better, I am sure you wish that she could be more of the mum you deserve too. Unfortunately, we don't determine how our parents manage their emotions or learn how to communicate with others, but you can't learn it for her. However, you can learn how to do these things for yourself so that you grow up with more wisdom and tolerance that your mum, and can also learn to communicate better than your mum can.
The best thing you can do is speak to your parents about how you feel about them and how they behave. The great thing about feelings is they don't have to be justified, we simply feel the way we feel we don't have to have a reason for it. If you feel sad or feel like crying, that is a good place to start with your parents. If you feel like you can't win, and can't do anything right in their eyes, even though it is ok for you to be whoever you choose to be, that is a good place to start. This might be a very difficult conversation to have, but it is worth doing. The difficult thing is, you might not get the reaction you want from them, and that is ok. It is less important how they react, and more important that you get to tell them how you truly feel. Start with whoever it is in your family that you feel it would be the easiest to talk to, and work your way up to the most difficult, but speak to all of them. Also, it isn't enough to go to your dad and tell him how you feel about your mum. That can help, but ultimately you need to tell your mum about the feelings you have for her personally, otherwise the process of talking to help with your feelings doesn't truly work. Your family will react one way or another, but whether their reaction is good or bad is not the main thing. The important thing is that you get to express who you truly are. This is the key to having sunshine and daisies on the inside as well as the outside, because you can only be happy if you can be true to yourself and express yourself. If you can express your truth, you might find it help to change everyone around you for the better.
It is not unusual for friends to forget friends when they start to get boyfriends because they haven't learned how important friends truly are yet. It is unfortunate that your friend is forgetting you at a time when you need her, but it is part of her learning process. In time if your friendship is true, she will feel something missing in her life and realise it is you, and she will take steps to connect with you. If you are upset with her, you can let her know too, and let her know how you feel.
As far as this guy goes, using someone for sex to make yourself feel better might work in the short term, but it isn't a long term solution, and you feel bad about yourself doing it. It is better to be sad and be able to talk about it with people you really care about than to not talk to people and have meaningless sex to feel better but which might make you feel worse about youself. If you truly like him then it is ok for you to sleep with him, but doing it to feel better about youself is just another way of escaping your sadness like showing people sunshine and daisies on the outside. Be honest with yourself. It is ok for you to be sad, and have sex if he is genuinely someone you want to have sex with and who you like, as long as you can face your sadness too and not use the sex as an escape from it.
If you start to talk about the hard things, you won't feel so lost, and will find your way. It might be hard in the beginning, and you might get bad reactions from people, but that's ok, doesn't matter, stick with it and things will improve for you one way or another.
A
male
reader, xsemenelinx  +, writes (18 September 2011):
 its better for you to divert your attention into something creative.. lucrative for your own growth... let me tell you this. its better to think that after all the storm a ray of light still exist.. think of the consequences of what your doing.. 10 years from now you will be a mom, a career woman and hence you will be a WOMAN.. being a woman doesnt mean that you have kids or have a career.. it simply say that you need to know what is right and what is wrong because that is a requisite of being a mother.. you got all the strength that you need to protect your sister and family. be positive.. you dont need to be in a hurry of doing stuff take time to think. take time to listen. take time and learn to be patient. i can relate for what your experiencing and guess what how i wish i have this thinking way back before.. it might have been better. divert your attention dear. do charity works. i bet karma has its own way of saying that you were nice and you need to be treated fairly.. and last dont forget to pray.. that's what you have even you dont have money nor family.. Trust in Him... i know you need to..
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