A
female
age
41-50,
*osieredchops
writes:Me and my fiance have been together now for 5 years, we met online and lived 135 miles apart for the first year, i trusted him completely but when we moved in together i started noticing things weren't right, he had loads of rude pictures on his pc of women which he had recieved after we met i confronted him and he apologised saying he was bored while we were apart, i let this one go but then found he had joined faceparty he lied to me and said he had joined it but had forgotten the password anyway, then i found he had joined an online group which was sexual in orientation, and he had a secret e-mail account which i made him get rid of, last year we bought a house and things were all going well (or so i thought) i found he had been visiting a dating website so i hacked into it and on his profile it read "i'm in a realtionship but need more, would prefer to travel to you or meet up somewhere for some fun" which you can imagine how i felt, he also had another secret e-mail account i logged in and found about 10 women on his messenger list who'm i e-mailed telling them all what a snake he was, i got many replies one girl said he had tried to get her to meet up with him but he denied this, i thought this was the end of it all but last week he was acting really wierd, leaving his phone in the car overnight etc, i confronted him and he admitted he had been sending rude text messages to a woman he had met online and they had been ringing eachother for a while, he had tried to end it all but she was sending him abusive text messages and he was worried i would see them and get the wrong end of the stick. To be quite honest i am trying to act calm (there are children involved) but i feel like my whole world is in turmoil and am having to hold back the tears most of the time, he is being overly affectionate which is making things worse. Will i ever be able to trust him again?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2007): fraid its gonna be very hard to trust this guy. everthing he does now,will arouse suspicion. Whatever you do is up to you,but one thing is for sure,this is not the way anyone behaves if they love and respect you. I have been in a situation like you,but not as much.You will see eventualy that they arent sorry for what they have done,just sorry they got caught.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2007): Girl you will NEVER be able to trust this man. What more evidence do you need to convince yourself of that? He is a cheater. Always will be. The question you SHOULD be asking is "what do I do from here?" Well for your own sanity, health, self respect, self-love, self esteem, and dignity you should leave him. These are all things you NEED in your life. Dignity. Self respect. And above all you need to be with a guy who respects and loves you. Who would never violate your right to not be cheated on. Who would keep your dignity intact. This guy has done nothing but violate your dignity and your right to be shown respect. Why do you keep forgiving him and brushing it under the rug?? LEAVE HIM!
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (22 October 2007):
 Since this an ongoing activity for him, you will either have to accept the fact he will always be cheating on you or decide to end it and find someone who can be trusted. You and only you can decide which one is the better choice.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2007): Im afraid to say, I dont think you will.
If you have found solid evidence and confronted him to find your suspisions correct then the mental and emotional effects this has can sometimes be irrepairable.
Have you asked at what point he would have told you about all this if you hadnt found out? Am guessing he wouldnt. You need to seriously reconsider what you want from this relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2007): sounds like your man may have a sexual addiction, google it.......it will give you a new perspective on this behavior. will you ever be able to trust him again? not unless he gets help and wants to change.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2007): You poor thing. I think this relationship is totally ended, because you have completely found out who he is. It is not a one-off mistake, this is a large and overpowering aspect of his personality. You can’t look at the nice parts of him in isolation from this, he may have good qualities (I expect that Hitler was nice to his dog) but the scale of the flaw in him is just undeniable and not in any way acceptable. The only thing you can do is tell him that he is free to go. You need to put your house on the market and start looking forwards with a firm and self-loving resolve. I have a feeling that being around him will start to nauseate you and give you the creeps more and more anyway.
Your partner is a sexual opportunist and I am afraid it would be impossible to ever trust him. He needs a major programme of help because he has an addiction and like all addictions it will ruin any chance of a relationship that he may wish for.
You can not help him sort this out yourself, you don’t have the skills. It is not your responsibility to take this on, you can not make him see the light and the more you try and get betrayed, the more mentally and emotionally you too will be undermined.
I know you would like to help him by loving him but not everyone has a deep and loving soul like you. Some people treat sex like a visit to McDonalds for fast-food and they don’t really value other people very much. He can’t see how damaging it is to follow this course, for himself, he is filling his mind with toxic sexual gluttony. He will never be satisfied because he can not see relationships in the normal way and therefore does not know how to run one, or understand his responsibility to protect a person he loves.
You need someone to cherish and protect you, who would not harm a hair on your head, who would rush to your defence at any moment. It will be hard enough even now to trust again if you stay any longer your chances will get even fewer.
This has not happened because you are not enough, it is because he is shallow, greedy and unable to be satisfied with the kind of relationship that many men would be immensely proud of and happy with.
He has already damaged you as a person by being so selfish, if he really loved you there would be no way he would dream of making you experience this betrayal and humiliation. Let alone the children.
Please value yourself enough to leave this relationship. It would take more imagination to face these problems than he has. Even if he said he would get help you would have to wait years before you could believe him.
Whatever you do, you will make absolutely no progress with him all the time he thinks he can get away with it. You have to make him leave and see what he comes up with after then. He has an AWFUL lot of work to do to make this up to you. The only possibility of progress is by drawing a line called zero tolerance. Then you have to stick to it. If he starts trying to get help it would be a good sign, but only you could judge what you wanted from then on. Buy a book called “Love Must Be Tough” online which will tell you what to do and what not. It is not a psychobabble book, but sensible, supportive and empowering about these sorts of situations.Sometimes life throws up tough challenges and this is one of yours. You just need to be brave, take it in both hands and say “NO” and many other expletives would be very appropriate. Have fun using them, don’t feel sorry for him, just mentally embrace your own needs and give yourself a lot of love.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2007): Two parts to this
be the best thing he has ever had. Act as though you dont care whether he is with you ornot.
Dont scold or try to be clingy that is what heis thriving on and reinforces his action
hopethat helps
otherwise look forsomeone you do deserve
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