A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hello all.I wonder if you might offer me some advice on how to cope / deal with a jealous freind/ work colleague? I recently changed my life, and now have an active , busy life , and am pursuing my interests, goals and hobbies, doing well at work, and just landed myself a new really nice big flat and my outside work projects are really taking off in a great way so all is good and positive at last after many long years in the wilderness. The things is, my freindship with this work colleague/ freind was built when I wasn't doing much before, and we would spend everynight on the phone, she doesn;t do anything except go to work and go home , and she used to suffer from depression, and I too used to stay in alot, and not do much except go to work and go home.Then a couple of months back a switch went on in my head, and I have literally got my life back, and things are really falling into place. Anyway, since this has happened, and I am out and about and bus most nights and weekends things have become really awkward between us, and she wants to know every detail of my life, even down to what I am going to have to eat, what time I am going out, etc, and she keeps going on and on about how my life is on the up, and how much things have changed for me, but I feel that she is not that pleased for me, and then she makes remarks about thinking that I have taken on too much, and is the job really stressing me out. I purposely do not tell her much, but she keeps asking me and watching all aspects of my life, and it is now giving me the creeps, and I actully feel angry and resentful towards her.She kinda creeps around outside my office ( I now close the door) and watches me going up and down, and is starting to copy what I buy eg: new work bag,jeans etc. I don;t know why I am feeling angry too. it's almost as if she is waiting for me to fall back into my old routine. It is very uncomforatble. Please advise on what I can do to avoid this when she keeps asking me stuff? How to deal with this. I feel haunted by her. I do also understand that she feels she is losing a freind, but I do like her and do not want to lose her, but the fact is - we no longer have anything in common, and make small talk about the weather at work. I have really moved on , and have different freinds,loads more energy, and a new and different life,there is no going backwards for me now, but I don;t know how to fix this, as I feel so different in myself and it is so hard to deal with this dying freindship - her jealousy or whatever it is is freaking me out . Help!!
View related questions:
at work, jealous Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (29 November 2009):
 I think she is going to feel upset almost no matter what you do because you are changing the status quo here. You are no longer fulfilling the role you had settled on with her, because you have changed and shaken off the doldrums.
And of course you have some guilt feelings! You wouldn't be human if you didn't. But it doesn't mean that you must stay the same and continue to interact with her in the same way.
I would continue to be gracious and polite when you run into her. Keep in mind that you essentially told her that she was a bit neurotic when you said you wanted to be healthy friends. You might figure out a way to rephrase that, maybe by saying that you felt you spent far too much time dwelling on the negatives in your life with her and that you don't want to back-slide or regress into that old habit. Say that you said it in a very clumsy way and didn't mean to hurt her feelings. But stick to your guns, you are NOT going back to the bad old stuck in the mud, sad, and depressed you.
How did the rest of the week go? I am sorry I got this follow up late; it was a holiday on Thursday for us in the US and I didn't have a chance to check in here.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Tisha,
Hope you are well. Thank you very much for your input on this. It has helped me greatly. By the way - you were/ are totally right about her being an emotional vampire. I did not realize quite how much she was draining me until I have now backed off. I have more energy, and am much less anxious. I actully had it out with her this morning. I emailed her and said that she needs to get on with her own life, and that actually, I am not helping her devlop her own life, by going on about my own stuff ( well, that was my excuse/ way out anyway) she then said she doesn;t mind, and that if I need to talk to her I can. I told her I appreciate that, but I don;t think it is healthy for us to feed into each others anxieties, neurosis etc, and that it is better this way. She said ' ok, maybe we can just do it less. I said, Ok, I still want to be freinds with you - just healthy freinds. What's interesting is this.... .she is now ANGRY with me and won't look at me. She is either a) hurt. B) feeling used, ot C) it's because I have cut of her blood supply, which ia very scary if that's the case.? I started this job 18 months ago - I have never felt this free, and am starting to enjoy my job again, and feel like I have emore energy and everything. People have even remarked how on the ball I seem to have been in the last week .. it is scary what effect people can have on you without you realising. Do you think she has a right to be angry? I am trying to put myself in her shoes.. I would be a bit upset I guess, but not sure. What do you think? I feel a bit guilty... xx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Tisha. I have found your advice very helpful. You are right - I am going to have to maintain the same behaviour so as not to confuse her, and accept the freindship has changed.. forever. I still have a small nagging fear that I may one day want to call her , and have an hour long conversation like we usually do - and somehow, it scares me that I';ll never be able to do that again once I break this pattern, so in a way - it;s like a co- dependant thing I guess? but the bottom line is - I so don;t want to be at her Pity Party anymore , and as she can see that something is 'different' in my behaviour - she emails me, and asks me ' what's wrong' and ' are you ok? ' ' did you get enough sleep'? it;s driving me mad, and what am I going to say if she says' 'what have I done? why haven;t you called? or the usual one' ' Have I done something to upset you?' I have tried the 'I 'm busy' one a million times... the thing is, she probably doesn't think there is a valid reason to call the freindship off , all she knows is that I am more busy now, and a bit different,and distant , and in a way it's not a good enough reason for her, right? it;s just the way I am feeling - which is resentful and angry. It is going to take alot of courage to do this - I know. But, thanks yes I will have to find my emotionally stable self, not the shaky, guilty, frightened one. I have looked at her recently , and have realised that actually she is quite unwell mentally. Somehow, I could'nt see that before. What do you think is going through her head about it all? is this just jealously on her behalf? she even said that the way things are going for me, I am bound to meet the right guy soon too, but it wasn;t said in a happy way. How about next time she texts, or asks what I am doing, Isay' hey, don;t worry about what I'm doing, think about yourself, I am sick of talking about myslef? or..... as you said ' I feel rude jsut talking about myself' or , I don;t want to put all my stuff on you' ? I so need to take responsibiltiy for msyelf in this. It is such a challenge. xx
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 November 2009):
Oh dear, I am sorry to hear that. She's gone off her anti-depressants? Perhaps that accounts for her behavior.
First of all, you need to throw off that mantle of guilt you've acquired.
The following advice is what I think I would do in a situation like this. I don't know her so this may not work. You cannot change her behavior, you can only change yours.
You are going to have to become placid and serene and adopt a blank affect in her presence. Do not let her break that facade; she may have been able to get under it in the past, but no longer. Steel yourself for those interactions with her. Be the new strong and emotionally stable you.
When she starts questioning you so closely, turn it back on her. "Wow, you certainly want to know every single little detail about my life. Are things going so poorly in yours that you are trying to live through mine? (That's a very challenging statement, so perhaps work up to that one.) "You are asking so many questions about my life, I'm starting to feel like bug under a microscope. Are you feeling alright? I'm worried that your depression is getting worse. Have you spoken with your doctor recently?" Don't let her put the focus on you. Put it back on her mental health, as that is where this is all coming from. Keep that at the front of your mind. She needs help, you can only point that out though, she has to take action for herself, as you did.
You can only be emotionally blackmailed if you allow yourself to be. You don't owe her her own salvation. You can only save yourself.
If worse comes to worse, you may need to get your human resources department involved, if it is interfering with your job.
So when you are feeling stalked, turn the focus back to her. "Why all these questions? I'm feeling a bit stalked! Are you okay? Do you need to see your doctor?" You identify the unwanted behavior (why all the questions). Tell her how it is making you feel (I'm feeling a little stalked and uneasy, it makes me sad). Turn the focus back to her, what's going on with her and what can she do to fix it (Are you okay? Doctor needed?)
And then tell her what you would like for her to do.
"Please cut back on the questions about my every action or plan."
Your own actions are fluctuating wildly, so that's probably confusing her too. I think you need to adopt a consistent approach to her. Placid, calm, serene, somewhat withdrawn. Mild and deflecting responses to intrusive questions.
In a way, you are breaking up with her. The relationship you had enjoyed has changed irreversibly. You don't want to go back to her and join her in solitude and misery. You can't break up with someone without hurting them, it's just one of those facts of life. The cleaner you make it, the sooner she can move on with the grieving that she will inevitably go through.
You will hurt her. There is no avoiding it. Just come to grips with that. You can do this gracefully, or keep going back to the old relationship with her and confuse her.
Adopt the new facade of your interaction with her and stick to it. You may have to be blunt and stop dancing around it if she doesn't realize that you're not coming back to join her in the pity-party. It's probably nicer in the long run to stop dodging the real issue, but I leave you to decide this, as you are the one who has to work with her and see her every day.
Let me know what you think of these thoughts for you. I am sorry that it's not going well for you. :(
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all, this situation is still just as bad if not worse. I am feeling comeplety stalekd, , freaked out, and watched now. she asks me questions all the time about where I am going, what I am going to have to eat etc etc, and has now started laying on the emotional blackmail i think. She told me on the phone a coupld of evenings ago, that she had finally come off her anti depressants a month ago, but is worried that she may have to go back on them , as 'the evenings are getting darker and the winter is drawing in' I am wondering if she is trying to emotionally blackmail me? I felt a bit responsible, and the thing is - she knows something has changed, but is not sure what, and I now feel completley dragged down in her company, and haunted. I even told her I felt like we were drifting apart to make her feel better. She is now off work for today, fri and after the weekend. I think I am not going to respond to her messages or call her at all, or if she does call, just tell her nicely I am busy. i feel guilty, as she was a really good frined, and still is in some ways, but she has become very dependant on me, and I don;t know what to do, as I have to face her every day at work, so it makes it even harder. I have not used her in any way, but I cannot do this as this level anymore, as I now feel drained after talking to her, and am having to justify my every move. It's almost as if she is living her life through me. She does nothing. I have talked to her baout doing stuff , and told her not to worry about what I am doing, but to concentrate on herself. How can I deal with this without hurting her? or whatever? I need my life back - I am no longer the same person I was. I also now feel huge waves of jealousy and negativity coming off her, and it is making me uncomfortable. I have come to the point where I am swinging in and out of it - eg: calling her, and answering her questions in some kind of pretend freindship, or not doing anything, and trying to shut it all out. I feel really really angry about it all too, ot sure why. Please help!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all, this situation is still just as bad if not worse. I am feeling comeplety stalekd, , freaked out, and watched now. she asks me questions all the time about where I am going, what I am going to have to eat etc etc, and has now started laying on the emotional blackmail i think. She told me on the phone a coupld of evenings ago, that she had finally come off her anti depressants a month ago, but is worried that she may have to go back on them , as 'the evenings are getting darker and the winter is drawing in' I am wondering if she is trying to emotionally blackmail me? I felt a bit responsible, and the thing is - she knows something has changed, but is not sure what, and I now feel completley dragged down in her company, and haunted. I even told her I felt like we were drifting apart to make her feel better. She is now off work for today, fri and after the weekend. I think I am not going to respond to her messages or call her at all, or if she does call, just tell her nicely I am busy. i feel guilty, as she was a really good frined, and still is in some ways, but she has become very dependant on me, and I don;t know what to do, as I have to face her every day at work, so it makes it even harder. I have not used her in any way, but I cannot do this as this level anymore, as I now feel drained after talking to her, and am having to justify my every move. It's almost as if she is living her life through me. She does nothing. I have talked to her baout doing stuff , and told her not to worry about what I am doing, but to concentrate on herself. How can I deal with this without hurting her? or whatever? I need my life back - I am no longer the same person I was. I also now feel huge waves of jealousy and negativity coming off her, and it is making me uncomfortable. I have come to the point where I am swinging in and out of it - eg: calling her, and answering her questions in some kind of pretend freindship, or not doing anything, and trying to shut it all out. I feel really really angry about it all too, ot sure why. Please help!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey Tisha, thanks for that. You are very helpful. She has just asked me for the 5th time today if I am still going Salsa dancing tonight ( it;'s almost as if she wants me to say no..) she then siad she is going to stay at home and relax, and I said to her that she should go ut more, and get herself about. She said she knows, and That I have done really well, and that I will 'have fun'. I do not know where this is coming from with her?? - but it;s freaking me out. I am going to remain gracious yes - and may take up your offer of having a pretend conversation with her. I don;t feel drained when I am around her.. just watched. I get the impression she would love it if things started going wrong for me. What do you think? By the way - I am in no way what so ever trying to rub anything in her face. if anything I am playing things down. She keeps telling me how well I have done - not sure if she means it, or is hoping I wil fall back down. Not that I was that bad!! just had a slightly quieter life - that;s all. Natxx
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 November 2009):
I had one more thought for you. When she starts pressing for details, you could say something along the lines of, "Oh, it's a bit rude to talk about oneself all the time, and I'm feeling as though that's all we talk about, me. Let's find other, more interesting things to talk about! What do you think of that new film [or book--or television show--or whatever pop culture thing is going on out there], don't you think Brad Pitt is looking very odd with his new beard? And what have you found interesting to watch/read/listen to these days?"
If push comes to shove and you simply can't tolerate it any more, you may have to say something directly to her. "Madge, I feel as though I am being interrogated and judged by you every day. It's a very uncomfortable feeling for me and I don't know what to say to you anymore. I feel as though you are not happy for me and this makes me sad and hurt. I realize that I am not giving you as much time as I used to, but my schedule has become so busy that no one is getting as much of my time these days; it has nothing to do with you. I'm happy with my job and I like the pace I've taken, so it would make me happy to see you happy for me. And right now, I just don't feel that's the case." Notice, it's all "I feel..." and "I realize..." and "I'm happy..." Not, "you make me feel..." or "you seem to think..." or "you are negative and judging..." Also try to avoid saying anything like "I wish you would stop...."
I think one way to get people to recognize that they are bothering you is to let them know how you feel. If you feel hurt, say so. It lets them know that you have a reaction to their words or actions, but that you aren't telling them specifically what to do. Hopefully, it will make the individual think about how her words or behaviors influence others.
The fact of the matter is that if she is indeed depressed, she's more negative about herself than anyone else, and that's truly a shame. She probably hates herself more than anyone, and the only way she copes with that is by looking to others as a way to burn off that negative emotions.
A friend of mine calls people like that 'energy vampires.' They suck all the life out of a room, and there's not a whole lot you can do to fix them. All you can do is manage your own reactions and behaviors. Your feelings and thoughts are your own too.
You might start writing out some phrases that you could say to her, practice saying them out loud, so when she does hit you with some guilt-inducing comment, you have a calm, rational and gracious reply all ready to go. If it helps, write them down here as a follow up and we can go over it. Or if you'd like we could do a dialogue, where you are her and I play you. Just for practice.
Remember the only one who can make you feel guilty is you!
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 November 2009):
That's a tough position to be in, I have some inkling of what you've managed to do with your life. I would say that you have to regard her as a friend with problems now, and treat her in that way.
I would smile at her a lot, not try to physically shut her out, but instead use the positive energy and joy you have developed now to radiate goodwill at her. She probably feels your pity for her and resents that. She also was there for you in the tough times and now feels shut out. I'm not advocating telling her everything about your life, but try to remember to she is owed a little gratitude.
Start telling her how grateful you are that she was there for you when you were feeling low; and say things like 'isn't it amazing how much better life is when you are out and about?' When she starts pressing for details, 'oh you know, it's the same thing, only more of it now, it's all good isn't it?' and literally try to be upbeat and positive as much as you can with her.
Turn those questions she asks back on her, 'what did I do this week? Oh, gosh I'm so sure I'll forget something. What did YOU do? What plans are you making?"
What I want you to visualize is that you remain gracious to her, you talk a lot to her but don't say very much (if that makes sense) and don't shut her out entirely. At some point, you're just going to have to grow a thicker skin when it comes to her.
Gracious, grateful, serene and placid. Think about how to apply those words to your interactions with her.
Good luck!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey - thanks for the first answer Marie Claire, I did think of that - I do have feelings, and I do still really like her, and do not want to lose her - I don;t feel different towards the freindship,- but I do feel different in myself as I said, and she is not fitting into my new life which is no ones fault. Am I to go back to where I was to please her? I have in no way have used her - it is just genuinely awkward belive it or not!! I do want to be successful with what I am pursing - how do I manage this with her included? She won;t go anywhere with me when I ask anyway.I am no user.
...............................
|
