A
male
age
41-50,
*rossroadsGuy
writes:Where I begin I have no idea?Some of you my find this unbelievable, but I assure you what I am about to tell you is true.Before 2008 my life was really good. I had a great job. Had at the time what I thought was an amazing woman. I had just taken her to New York and proposed. We had just bought a beautiful home together. I had it all. Then in 2008 my father was diagnosed with cancer and 2009 terminally ill. I did all I could to hold things together. My work were very supportive as I became my fathers carer.My relationship though started to weaken. I tried to hold everything together.Then I discovered she was having an affair. When I confronted her about it she said it was because I wasn't paying her enough attention as she put it. She told me she ended it. We tried to stay together but I knew she was still playing away. Then in 2010 my father passed away. I was devastated. Then my now ex blew me away. She told me she was pregnant. I couldn't believe it. I was so happy but at the same time so sad as I'd just lost my father. Then she told me she wasn't having it because she didn't know whop the father was. Which resulted in her having a termination. I lost it. We had a blazing row and I got into trouble. As a result lawyers got involved. She made some horrible accusations that were totally untrue.Anyway, it now has all been settled and I have lost everything. My ex has really rubbed my face in it. At times she has even laughed at me. Since 2010 I have lost my father, a baby, my home, my job and the woman I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I am totally lost. I have no idea what to do with my life. I have absolutely nothing. I can't believe so much has changed. Does anyone have a clue what to do because I don't.
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male
reader, CrossroadsGuy +, writes (23 April 2014):
CrossroadsGuy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou again everyone.
You're all right. Your analogy of mechanic is right and I can't do it on my own.
The PTSD is a little concerning though. Looked into that and I appear to have a lot of those symptoms. But I'm not a doctor.
I guess my original message was partly due to the fact I had seen my ex that day with her new partner. That was the first time I ever seen them together. They saw me. I saw them. They actually had a little giggle between themselves. I walked away. Came home and looked online for help and come across this website.
I've taken the first step. I just need to swallow my pride now and take solace that there is help out there and I need it.
Thankyou again everyone.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2014): I've spent 4 years trying to deal with PTSD on my own because the counsellor I had before was awful, so I didn't trust any counsellors any more. The first 2 years were awful, but I manage it better now. Thing is, over those 4 years a live-in family member has become quite nasty to me and it's triggered my PTSD, but I am now accepting that I can't handle it on my own because the person lives with me and I can't get away from that. So, 2 weeks ago I made a doctors appointment and I'm going to ask for counselling.I'm worried because I don't want the family to think I'm basically saying I'm the only problem (something the live-in member has said many times) and the enviroment at home won't change because I can't move out, so I am nervous about what counselling can do if I still have to go home to the nastiness.Accepting help is difficult, but asking for it can be even harder. In your case it's pride, in mine it's distrust. I'm trying to deal with that, what about you?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (22 April 2014):
 You don't have to tell anyone that you are in counseling. The counselor will not see you as weak. Asking for help when you need it is a sign of strength, not weakness.
Best wishes, I hope you find your way to taking the steps that will create a happier life for yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2014): Counselling is about efficiency not weakness. Your car has broken down and you can spend months learning how to fix it yourself from scratch or you can pay someone else to do it in a couple of days. 6 years is long enough, there's no reason to let this drag on any longer.
I had far too much pride to ask for help in the past and it didn't feel like any kind of victory to deal with things on my own. My wife taught me that bravery is about making the toughest of choices, the scariest of paths and it takes bravery for someone to reach out when it's not in their nature. It's not a sign of weakness, it takes courage to seek help.
You'll be okay, OP, but you've wasted enough time at this crossroads. You may not see the path ahead but it's time to take that first step anyway and start walking. It's time to move on with your life.
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A
male
reader, CrossroadsGuy +, writes (22 April 2014):
CrossroadsGuy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou for all the replies and support. I guess I'm being stubborn when it comes to the counselling. I guess I don't want to be seen as weak. Always been a bit of a man's man. But that's my misconception.
There's no alcohol or drugs involved thankfully.
Thankyou again to everyone.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2014): Counselling will do you wonders, OP. With all due respect the "only" thing you've lost is your dad, you never had an amazing woman in that woman, you had a lucky escape and a chance to start afresh. You did what was right by your father, you put him first and you honoured him and for that you can feel immense pride.
You lost nothing in that woman, the house, job, none of that matters. You did your most important duty and now you get to continue to honour him by dusting yourself off and turning to people who can help you.
My last break up before I met my wife I thought was the end of everything one of the worst periods in my life and something I never thought I'd come to terms with. 2 years of emotional numbness and no trust in other people except my family and close friends. Looking back I could have gotten over it in about 6 months if I wasn't a stubborn bastard who internalises everything. It was actually my friendship with my wife that unexpectedly made me realise I lost nothing, I was actually just given a nice clean slate with which to rebuild something new and better.
I wouldn't be happily married now with an amazing wife, a job I love, more money than I can spend if it wasn't for the utter desolation of that time, because while in the midst of that despair and the life I felt had fallen apart around me it was actually building itself back up again and all I had to do was keep my head and keep going.
OP life has thrown you some lemons, you can either bite down hard on them and become bitter or you can add a little sugar and make some lemonade. It's cheesy as hell but it's true.
OP you're essentially a free man with the world at your feet, just need to get help unlocking the gates of that mental prison you're in. It's been a hell of a life you've had for the past 6 years since his diagnosis, time to kick back and enjoy it now. You dealt with worse than how you currently feel in those 6 years with 2010 no doubt being right up there. There's no longer anything life can ever throw at you that you can't deal with, but you cannot live a life of bitterness either. Counselling will help you, OP. I've no doubt you could do it alone eventually, but why wait?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 April 2014):
If you are self-medicating through alcohol, you can find support through http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk call here 0845 769 7555
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 April 2014):
Click one of the links I provided and ask for help.
I have friends who have suffered great losses.
One is a person who lost mother, father and husband in the space of one year and had 2 small children at home. She found support and help in her church.
Another suffered a miscarriage followed by a hysterectomy after learning her husband was cheating on her. She sought counseling and has since gone on to a new marriage and was able to adopt a child.
Another friend lost a spouse to alcoholism. This friend is making a home for a parent and volunteers building homes for those who have lost them.
An relative lost a spouse in the 9/11 collapse of the World Trade Center. That spouse just never came home. Two young children had to be told and raised. It hasn't been easy.
Just about every person over a certain age has lost someone to something like cancer and has suffered a break up. As I said, you are not alone, you just need to find the right support group or possibly mental health care.
Your post's tone and wording indicates that you have not found counseling support nor have you apparently been in a position to seek it.
Please call your doctor, set up an appointment and explain the situation. Ask for appropriate referrals.
In the meantime, please click on the links I provided and ask for help.
There is always this resource available to you as as well: http://www.samaritans.org
If you have a religious affiliation, go to that worship center and ask for help. Another friend of mine is a priest, even if you were not a member of his church, he would find a way to get you the support you need. So there is that option.
With best wishes that you find your next step.
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A
male
reader, CrossroadsGuy +, writes (21 April 2014):
CrossroadsGuy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou for the responses. I just feel totally lost. I don't know where to even begin? Move forward? I know I'm not the first and I won't be the last. I guess I just can't believe how much my life has changed in such a short space of time. I guess I'm just looking for a ray of light.
Counselling may be the way forward? I hadn't heard of 'dark of the night'. I will look into both of these. Thankyou
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 April 2014):
I would find counseling support for bereaved people. You are not alone; others have experienced great loss too and have found help and that life continues.
I would start by looking for bereavement support. I did a search and found some links for people in the UK:
http://www.cruse.org.uk
http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/bereavement.html
http://www.nhs.uk/CarersDirect/guide/bereavement/Pages/Bereavementsupport.aspx
That last link leads to a search box for finding counseling help. http://www.nhs.uk/Service-Search/Counselling-NHS-(IAPT)-services/LocationSearch/396 You do sound as though counseling is needed here.
Again, to reiterate, you are not the only person to have suffered great losses, you are not alone and there is help out there, please do reach out using some of the resources that are sitting there, waiting to help you.
Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2014): Pick yourself up and carry right on to the next stage of your life, which is a great adventure yet to unfold.
See it as a new beginning rather than endings.
Ever heard of the 'dark night of the soul'?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2014): Counselling. When you get hit with all of these at once, you need support to help rebuild yourself.
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