A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I fell in love with a married man, who is my hubby now. I'm a Muslim, my religion permits man to marry upto 4 times. I met him 8 years back and had pre-marital sex. He is my only partner, may be this guilt forced me marrying him and not other man.Before our marriage,He loved my looks, attitude and was very possessive about me, we had a very good sex life. He has cruel wife and 2 kids, an arrange marriage 10 years back, he was unhappy with his wife as she is a villager not so good looking and caring.Since, she sensed about our affair she has changed her attitude, dressing style she has become more caring and obsessed for him and now their relationship has improved a lot.She tries to pull him towards her every time. she is not sure that we are married but has a doubt. she knew we had a strong affair and he loved me very deeply, he has hidden this relationship from his family saying he is no more in touch with me.We got married 1 year back and I got pregnant the same month have a beautiful daughter, he was not happy initially but now he is happy with the baby, he doesn't give us time and attention he is moody, liar and careless. He is trying to distance himself with me. We fight every day he can go to any extent to prove me helpless n I cant take any step against him to reveal this marriage to the world specially his wife).If I remain silent and don't question on his doings he will be happy with me.I still love him a lot and also possessive about him, but he takes me granted every time. Is he attracted more towards her?I want to stay in this relationship as i have a daughter I can't spoil her future our society is very orthodox.I need his attention and time. What should i do?Please help me understand how should i deal with this as it is becoming more painful each second.
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affair, fell in love, liar, married man, muslim, sex life Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 May 2010):
 I assume you are Muslim. Then you already know that the sharia ( Islamic law ) says a man can marry up to 4 wives but PROVIDING THAT he treats them all fairly and equally, in terms of money, time, attention and status. For this reason there can't be such a thing as a secret second wife, all the wives are co-wives. Have your imam talk to your husband and / or his wife and remind him that by denying your marriage he is committing a sin and giving you cause to ask for dissolution of the marriage and financial indemnity.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have revealed about our marriage and kid to his wife for which she tortured and created lot of problems for him. He assured her that I'm liar and he has not married to me.
I can say he is guts less, my religious heads and family wants me to continue this relation. If I take the decision of breaking this relation i have to fight the battle all alone my family is not going to help me in anyway.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2010): your marriage is not legitimate nor morally grounded unless his family (including his 1st wife) and your family are aware of it. You are still not much more than a mistress, hidden. This will not serve you nor your daughter, you need to assert your rights. Let your family help you with this, maybe they can approach his family. Time to be less emotional and think of your daughter's future. He is not being a responsible father and husband to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2010): Just tell his wife. Either ways like the other reader said, youre in a lose-lose situation. Just deal with whatever comes next. Be strong and screw the society. your happiness matters as much as your husbands or his other wifes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2010): having an affair in an religion is actually frowned upon. forgive my ignirance but this man is only permitted to take 4 wives if he can provide equally for each them? this does not condone an extra marital affair. and doesn't his first wife have to grant permission. he can only take a another wife is the 1st wife is lacking in some way. i believe in her husbands case she was not lacking. she was a good wife, she gave him children and she was faithful, they were having sex so she was fulfilling her duties as a wife. he took another wife (you) for additional sexaul pleasure. there is nothing wrong with his wife. you are trying to hold on to him now. unfortuately this is the consequence of stealing someone else's husband. i also think you need to re look at your sitaution because now your common husband needs to be shared between his real wife and you. i think he just used your religion to his advantage and you also knowingly used your religion to take him as your husband. the true intention of him having up to 4 wives was very different when this law was enforced generations ago. i suggest that you seek the assistance of the wise in your family to understand the concept of mulitple wives.having said all of the above i jus want to point out: in this situation you have no right to complian and no right to dictate that he is yours exclusively. you made a choice to share another womans husband and this is just what you need to do. you can remain the 2nd wife until he finds a 3rd. this is a reality. i strongly suggest you seek wise counsel from your elders who need to teach you about your culture and religion and what you should expect.
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A
female
reader, BunnyTee  +, writes (18 May 2010):
 I agree with the first response. I think you're better off alone than risking a "life" with this guy. As I am wholly unfamiliar with your culture and how a man could be both publicly and secretly married and why this would be acceptable on any level, I fear that I am unable to offer you much of anything useful within the confines of your culture. I think they stone women like me in your part of the world, honestly. Surely, there exists some measure of recourse or reversal or means of equalizing your situation? What you should do is get away from this guy, leave him to his duplicitous, deceitful ways and go have a good life for you and your daughter. I'm not sure how you go about that in your culture, but I wish you the best whatever you choose!
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