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age
30-35,
*
writes: I’m having problems with my lecturer. To keep things short we used to be very close. She asked about my personal life and she was always there for me when I needed her. Recently she started ignoring me in class it was like I didn’t exist. I emailed her saying what’s wrong and she invited me up to her office to talk about it. Once there she would not talk about it kept saying ‘let’s keep it academic’ and the other lecturer that was in the office kept looking over. Why invite me up to talk about this problem and then ask me why was I there to see her? She even saw me at uni outside the entrance and she turned around and walked to a different entrance just to avoid me. When I asked her about this she replied saying ‘it’s too personal, let’s keep it academic’. This eventually led to a meeting with me, her and another member of staff she said that boundaries had been broken and that we can all learn from this. She said we should stay away from each other and to not contact her again. I accept her decision but I feel like I have lost my best friend I’m so upset. I valued her support and now it’s gone. I know we got to close but to stop contact all together I feel is rather harsh and to go to the lengths of walking to other entrances to avoid me hurts me as I said we used to get on so well. Can anyone please help me? I don’t fully understand why she would do all this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2011): She probably got carried away with her emotions to the point where it was effecting her job. It's also very likely if you got "too close" then there was a level of intimacy between you that is beyond friendship.
She has no other choice but to completely cut you off or she will lose her job. Her colleagues probably already mentioned this to her and well if she has feelings for you then there's no way she can be in contact with you as it's just too hard. It's also very likely she received an official warning about it and that's why she spoke to you with that other lecturer.
Look if you really do consider her a friend then you'll do the nice thing and respect her wishes. She has a career to think about. Don't be hurt, she just wasn't supposed to do that kind of thing in the first place and now she has to fix it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2011): I understand that this might seem hurtful for you. However, a lecturer can never really be your 'friend' in the same way that someone else can. Part of their job is to deal with pastoral care of students, which means listening to your problems and suggesting appropriate solutions, and while it is easy for a sympathetic and kind listener to seem like a friend and a confidante, please remember that this is actually a professional responsibility that forms part of their job description. Lecturers are in a position of trust in relation to you, and they owe you a duty of care that implies professional distance. It's exactly the same as when you go and tell a doctor about your medical problems, or a counsellor about your emotional problems - they are in that room as a professional, not as a friend. It sounds to me like you may have confused that responsibility to support and listen to you as a student for a more personal form of friendship. Don't feel bad for that - it's an easy mistake to make, especially when you are young and dealing with a lot of stress! Try to look at the situation from your lecturer's perspective. Whatever has happened between you in terms of confidence, she clearly feels that the relationship has crossed the line, going from a healthy pupil-teacher pastoral care dialogue into an unhealthy emotional dependency. Her behaviour suggests she thinks her professional credibility is under threat, and possibly that her job is at risk too. To own up to that in front of another colleague suggests that she is seriously worried - maybe something changed in the relationship recently, or she simply realized that it something better handled by another professional, e.g. a counsellor. This is not a rejection of you - it is simply a recognition and redrawing of the correct and appropriate boundaries that should always have existed. You need to respect her space, her professionalism, and her right to draw those boundaries. She is actually looking out for you and doing the right thing here!
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