A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship just over a year. My track history with relationships is dire so I am not sure how a healthy relationship evolves over time. I loved the honeymoon period of our relationship but that disappeared about 8 months in. This was just after we had tried to have sex for the one and only time but it was too painful for me. The next two attempts were just as bad, and not long after that he began to experience problems too. At first he was the most amazing boyfriend ever, and he was very supportive at the start of the sexual problems but now there is very little in any form of physical contact from him. He told me when we first got together that he finds things difficult to talk about.I don’t know where things have gone wrong but instead of feeling closer to him I am feeling more and more distant. We rarely spend time alone anymore - I have always got the impression that he gets bored with me when we are alone because he soon makes excuses to leave. Lately I have noticed that he will do anything he can to avoid spending time alone with me. Whenever I try to organise some time alone, he usually has somewhere he has to be. I don’t get any chance to tell him how I feel. This afternoon I invited him over to my house thinking that I would get a chance to speak to him but yet again he had to be elsewhere later in the afternoon so declined.We are boyfriend and girlfriend but I feel like we are just friends at the moment. Thing is I don’t know if it is a temporary blip or if things have got terminal. How do you tell the difference? In my opinion his enthusiasm for me seems to have deteriorated almost to the point of indifference.I know that after the honeymoon period, the real work sets in but I sometimes feel like I am the only one doing the work. I have noticed that with everyone else he is still the lovely man I fell in love with but with me he seems to have become disinterested. When I smile at him, he rarely smiles back. When I look at him, he looks away (but this may be his shyness). Yesterday I won first prize in a competition and when his mum told him he didn’t say ‘well done’ or anything. I have put this down to the fact that his Mum is always having a go at him, but it still hurts when he can’t congratulate me.I patiently waited a year before I got my first compliment from him which I found really special as I knew that he found that sort of thing difficult to do, so I was dismayed last night when my boyfriend started complimenting his sister-in-law about the outfit she had on. His smiling and gushing at her seemed slightly over-the-top and I felt a tad uncomfortable given that he hadn’t said anything nice about me that evening. I wondered if he was trying to provoke some kind of reaction out of me as this gushing seemed out of character for him. I really haven’t got a problem with him complimenting people but I think your partner should get the most enthusiastic and the most in quantity!!!I had put most of his problems down to depression or something, and I gather he has been having a really hard time with his mother which resulted in a big row. He has started opening up to me some more which is really good, but I just can’t work out if his behaviour is one of control, depression, cheating on me....any ideas? The only thing I do know is that I don’t feel very loved at the moment.NB. I posted this question a few days ago but am posting it again because I hadn't received any answers.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2008): I think you already know the answer to your question. its really hard sometimes to accept what is staring you in the face. You sound like a really careing person with a big heart. just read what you have written, how many times have you made excuses for his behaviour. what about your feelings it sounds to me that they just dont count. I think you need to be open and honest with him about how he is making you feel and give him the opportunity to be truthful about the way he is behaving. Sometimes when we are having problems we do take it out on the person closest to us. im not sure by what you say that this is the case. You sound really miserable he doesnt even try to make you happy. If you think he is worth the effort give him the opportunity to explain himself. If you are not convinced by his answer then dont waste any more time on him move on and find someone who deserves you.
Good Luck.
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