A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My relationship is stressing me out. To give a bit of background.I was with my ex for 7 years and he cheated. Left me for her. I was single for 9-10 months when I got with my current boyfriend. We've been together 8 months now. Everything was good to begin with, but then cracks started showing. I went with my gut instinct about a month and a half ago, and checked his phone. I apologised for doing this when I confronted him, but I found that he had been sexting another girl. They hadn't sent pictures or met up, yet, but it hurt. We spoke for a whole day about it, and in his words, I was a culture shock to him. I wasn't like anything he had experienced before and he didn't know how to handle it. He thought that something so good will go wrong eventually and he wanted to be in control of that, so he train wrecked us. I chose to give him 1 chance but part of me regrets doing that. I feel like I didn't give myself enough time to process everything, that it was all an in the moment type thing. I do want to fix us and he has been trying since, but I feel I'm not giving him a fair chance, as his actions have left gremlins in my head. I go through bouts of paranoia, jealousy and stupid things I never cared for before this. I need help on how to handle myself. I chose to try and make this work, but I need to know how to I sort myself out to help it work so I can at least say I'm trying.We're long distance as well
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male
reader, Denizen +, writes (19 September 2016):
 You are being conned. The line: 'He thought that something so good will go wrong eventually and he wanted to be in control of that, so he train wrecked us,' is just cobblers.
It sounds something an eight year old would come out with when caught stealing a jam tart.
You will never be able to trust him will you? So take out advice and cut the tie. Find someone in your vicinity - one you can meet every day.
LDRs should only happen after a relationship has been forged not before. It's too fraught with difficulties.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (19 September 2016):
 I agree with Honeypie. Relationships in general are hard. LDRs even harder.
In addition I am not sure you were totally healed from the last relationship.
He's trying to turn this around and blame YOU for being OH SO AWESOME that he needed a backup plan. Sorry that's what he came up with when he got caught. He emotionally betrayed and cheated on you.
I did LDR with my now husband. I never even felt the need to check his phone. He never so much as looked at another woman once we became committed. In addition, he will tell you, He does not deserve me, I'm too good to him and he's TERRIFIED (even now that we are married) that I will leave him. Yet he does NOT have a "backup plan".
This guy is SMOOTH. He's turned it around so YOU feel guilty going with your gut and checking his phone (not cool but if something told you to check, there was a reason and you need to learn to trust your instincts).
It's LDR, is it really worth all this effort?
Why in the world do you need to "make this work" and "sort yourself"? What is HE doing to try to "make this work" and what is he doing to work with his "insecurity" that you are "so awesome" you are going to leave him so he needed a "back up plan"
When a person is committed to a relationship good or bad, there is no "backup plan" there is only trying to work it out... when a relationship ends moving on to the "backup" plan is just a way of saying they were already checked out of the relationship. IT takes time to heal after a break up... maybe 2 weeks maybe two months maybe two years... but moving from one person to the next with NO space between the two is not moving on, it's not a back up plan, it's a planned cheat.
I strongly urge you to reconsider making this one work.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 September 2016):
 So it's "your fault" for being "OH SO special" that he cheated on you? Sexting another woman/man is not OK in a relationship, you KNOW that. And HE should know that. He doesn't even take responsibility by puts the "blame" on you. That is as low as it gets.
If he sabotages the relationship because he wants to "control" events, then you are in for more drama and heartache, HE will get better at hiding his "sexting" in the future. But he won't stop.
He should have been honest and told you that he really doesn't want an LDR.
LDR's ONLY work well if BOTH parties want it and can be honest with each other. He would NEVER have told you about the "sexting" if you hadn't snooped. So now you will start to feel like you HAVE to go through his stuff to keep him in check, and he will feel like he HAS to delete things and lie to you. Not really a good foundation for an LRD or any kind of relationship.
The fact that YOU think YOU need to fix this is sad to me. Because YOU didn't DO anything wrong here. Well, you snooped and that in itself I think is a symptom of a not stable relationship.
If you keep that notion on your head that YOU have to fix this (not him) then you WILL become of if those crazy GF who goes through your BF's things, phone, e-mail, Social media etc. and you will find it won't make you trust him more. It will just make YOU feel crazy and give him a reason to continue doing things that are detrimental to the relationship.
Think about it, WHAT would you need from him to start trusting him again? Is it even possible?
You carry a lot of baggage from your last relationship and it DOES dictate how you handle issues. YOU have to accept that it is NOT your fault that your EX cheated, it is NOT your fault that your current cheated either. THEY made that choice. You didn't "make" them betray you. When you date guys who "get away" with doing these things to you - they will not stop. They just get better at hiding it.
You NEED to deal with these fears. And if I were you, I'd realize that LDR's are not good for you. Him living far away is no more a guarantee that he won't cheat. Someone can seem SO good on "paper" but in an LDR it's VERY easy to hide things from a partner.
And I think when you have a partner who takes NO responsibility for his actions, it's not going to work long term.
Sorry, There is no instant fairy dust fix for a guy lacking respect and common decency.
I wouldn't waste any more time on this.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (19 September 2016):
 I'm in an LDR and I was paranoid that (early on) my boyfriend wasn't telling me everything about two of his friendships, and I'd never had friends who hadn't back stabbed me. So, I Googled *a lot*, trying to find something that justified my nerves. I did. He hadn't lied, per se, but he wasn't ready to tell me about something that happened with one of his former friends and I had felt that something was missing and I found it. We've since forgiven each other, but it nearly ruined us. If I hadn't found anything he hadn't told me yet, I think it would have.The reason I'm telling you that is because snooping increases paranoia. If you don't trust someone, you need open communication about it and, if you still don't trust them, consider breaking it off. Snooping makes things worse.If I were you, I'd seek counselling to help you deal with being cheated on before and how best to handle this situation, if it arises again or if something tempts you to snoop.I can understand subconsciously sabotaging your relationship because it feels too good to be true and you're scared of getting hurt, if he's being honest about it. However, he went from "it's a culture shock" to "I was trying to sabotage us because....", which sounds more like he didn't plan on getting caught.I think therapy is a good idea here and I'm not sure I'd trust him either, but that means breaking up.
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A
female
reader, SydneySidney +, writes (19 September 2016):
"He thought that something so good will go wrong eventually and he wanted to be in control of that, so he train wrecked us."
This shows that when something is off, he's not going to talk to you about it. He's going to "manage" you rather than treat you with respect and honesty. He may be working on this one particular issue, but this attitude will keep hurting you over and over again with other issues if you stay with him. It still is hurting you from this current issue in the form of "paranoia, jealousy and stupid things". I say dump him and find a guy that will be honest with you and treat you with more respect.
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