A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:HiSo I have been with a lady about 1 year. We live in different states and due to covid we havent seen one another in along time. I do still keep in contact when I can. I work full time and she is on disability. She finds things to complain about. Like I don't call enough, I dont text enough. Apparently I don't do anything much. I tell her I can't be on my phone all day. Shes a home so it's much easier for her to reach out. I should also mention I have two children and after work we spend quality time together. My gfs moods are up and down. I have asked her several times to see a doctor. She says she has been on meds before and they don't make her "feel" and she doesnt like that. So I let it go , hoping she will stop being so dependent on me. I should also mention she is on methodone she used to be addicted to drugs and her doctor put her on that years ago. Not sure if that's where the moodiness comes in. I have commended her several times on her doing so well and not going back to her previous lifestyle. I try to be supportive of her. My issue is the moodiness. One day shes okay the next day shes complaining about I don't text much , I don't call much. I don't have time for her. It becomes frustrating on my side because I try my best . I explained I don't have as much time as she does but she will still find reasons to complain. I'm getting tired of it. Any suggestions?
View related questions:
drugs, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2021): Hi I'm the OP. Thanks for your input. I should say I'm not biased as an assumption was made. I said things so you are able to get a feel of what the relationship is. I do call it a relationship because I'm committed so is she. Trust is vital and I believe she is committed. My whole point is the moodiness and that's difficult for me. I try to be a positive person. However, when your dealing with negative emotions daily it's not so easy. I try my best to be in contact and because I can't reach out as much as she does because I work does not mean she is more committed. It means she is home all day and has time to do so. If i reached out all day i wouldnt have a job. Anyways alot of your comments has definitely made me think perhaps it's time to rethink this...Thanks again
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2021): HiI would feel drained, my suggestion is to end the relationship (gently but firmly) and recognise that other peoples moods can rub off onto your life and create misery. It's obviously very difficult for her and she has gone through a lot I would guess but the best encouragement you could give her is for her to find some independence for herself. I don't know the levels of her disabilities or emotional problems but something that she finds pleasure in herself. She looks outwards for healing when she needs to find it within her own soul searching. You are not her medicine. Emotional vampires are not good company and often move on quickly when they have sucked the energy out of their victims. You are clearly unhappy and so is she, I would suggest that you try and remain friends (like a distant support bubble) where you only agree to email each other ,maybe once a week. Then you are still supporting her through her recovery but not having to answer to her demands and emails and it means you don't have to listen to her moods over a telephone. Be firm with what you plan to do and if she does not contact you let the divide grow.Life is too short for living under somebody else's demands and whims and mood swings, we have one life and we all have a right to find happiness and this does not always come through relationships. You find happiness with spending quality time with your children at the moment.
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (4 January 2021):
 Long distance relationships are not easy at the best of time's, even when your getting on and things are good an LDR is still a huge hurdle.
It's clear the there are difficulties in this relationship, and is coming across as rather one sided.
I feel that even excluding the LDR I think there would still be these problems if she lived down the road to you.
I think, given the duration of time that you have been together, and the amount of time you have seen each other you need to consider if this relationship is really for you. Maybe you need to consider breaking up with her and moving on.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2021): What is the point of this so called relationship?! If you have been "together" for a year and rarely seen each other is it honest to say it is a relationship anyway? You are more like text friends than lovers/partners. Lots of people regularly text someone or speak to them on the phone, that does not make you their partner.Why would you want a "girlfriend" who has so many problems? Been on drugs would be a no no to everyone I know. Unemployed and financial problems would be another. What could she contribute to a relationship if you ever got it together? It sounds like she would expect you to give and be there for her, but cannot give back to you other than her time. Which she has far too much of.You seem to have nothing in common other than being single!Supposing you did get together, would you trust an ex drug addict around your kids? What qualities has she got that you would want your kids to pick up from her? What abilities, strengths and worthwhile things can she throw into the mix of your little family so that it is better for including her?What happens if she goes back on drugs? Do you send/give her money? If so this is a huge mistake and for all you know she could be spending it on frivolous things when you could have spent it on your kids or worked less hours. Would she then have skills and qualifications she can use to get a good job?or would she expect to sit at home all day while you do all of the work and pay for everything?You are complaining about her being needy time wise, but there is a whole lot more here which is worse!Of course she is needy timewise. She thinks you are supposed to be at her beck and call and put her first - because you call yourself her boyfriend!On the other hand if she is unemployed, got no money and drug problems men will not be queueing up to take your place. She would be hard pressed to replace you if you ended it. You should have got to know her better over a much longer period of time before you called yourself her boyfriend!And called this a "relationship".Both of you need to be more self aware and mature before either of you can make real relationship work.The first thing you do is to make sure you choose someone who you have things in common with - important things that matter - not just that you are both single!Then you start as friends and get to know each otherand end it if there are deal breakers. You seem to have no deal breakers whatsoever. IF she can have drug problems and be unemployed anything goes with you.Yet if she wants more of your time you see that as the end of the World.She knows you work and she knows you have kids - so it is ridiculous of her to expect more time of you.She is also forgetting that if she has to demand more time with you and pester you for it you are either badly organised or not wanting to give her more time.This does not seem to occur to her! She does not care how you feel about spending more time with her as long as she gets what she wants - very short sighted and selfish of her.Yes you can schedule skype facetime meets and stick to them. But surely you had thought of that yourself?You do not need to have a high i.q. to think of such obvious things. If you have not already thought of such things you cannot be that keen.It seems to me that you like the idea of having a so called girlfriend out there - in the distance - where you contact her when it suits you so that you can carry on believing it - but you do not really want anything of substance or anything serious or committed, just playing at it.Stop calling it a relationship - stop calling her your girlfriend, be more honest, decide what you want from this - it may be nothing - and then sort it out.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2021): There are many aspects about LDR's that can be advantageous. To end them, all you have to do is block all means of contact. Distance is an ever-present obstacle, which will minimize stalking, ambushes, or unforeseen confrontations. There is less on-the-spot drama you have to contend with. Long-distance is quite beneficial when it comes to dealing with nutcases, or scorned and vengeful-lovers! You can enjoy the safety of being out-of-reach! You can lie through your teeth about who you were with, and what you were really doing last Saturday night!
Unlike real-time/mostly human-interactive relationships, they depend heavily on maintaining regular-contact; and keeping an avid connection through digital-devices and/or by correspondence.
The connective-bond within the romance is as strong as the bridge of communication you maintain. Distance and separation can strain the strongest of well-established relationships. Those that are almost completely long-distance have a very short life-span. People need people for many different reasons. We must have an exchange of passion and affection. We bond through touch. We need to be in the company of our love-interests; and we must satisfy all the five senses to establish our romance as real and fulfilling. People try to make-believe their romance can thrive on video-chats and Skype. Try it and see! Some LDRs last longer than others; but not as long as when you can touch, smell, see, and be with the one you love...all at the same time! Your very post confirms my argument.
If you aren't making as much effort to maintain contact as she is, you're not as committed. She doesn't get the benefit of defending her side. We get the one-sided version of the situation from the very biased author. How much is too much, or not enough contact, might be subjective. From her perspective, apparently it's not enough! You're citing her bout with depression and mental-illness as an inconvenience for you. Then spare her the suffering, and let her go!
I am moved to speculate that it's not entirely moodiness, but desperation! Fear you've lost interest! She needs to feel you're as sincere and devoted to the relationship as she is. You can cite all of her short-comings; but mostly she is complaining for your lack of contact. You've admitted, you don't have time. Your kids, job, and whatever. Why don't you just admit, you're just over this LDR?
Surely a person who suffers emotional or mental-health disorders will have some coping issues; and moodiness, without question, is a common symptom of many psychological disorders. You knew this going-in. You didn't expect a person with an anxiety disorder to be easy to carry-on a long-distance relationship any better than someone not suffering any particular mental-health issues at all. People get lonely, and feel ignored or abandoned; if you fail to meet their emotional needs, no matter what the state of their mental-health happens to be. You have your kids and your job. What does she have?
Maybe now is the time to be honest with her. Tell her you can't continue with this LDR relationship. It's better than finding fault with her, when you're the one who doesn't really have time to be bothered. I'm certain you don't like how I phrased that! It may not be how you really feel, but when you're seeing it from a distance, that's how it looks. She's suffering. Set her free!
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 January 2021):
 The thing with LDR's is that they rarely work long term. Either one of the two people find someone closer or decide that they are not being fulfilled by a LDR.
Sounds like she isn't just being whiny, she is lonely and not good at finding things to occupy herself with. Which means, she rely on you for attention and "entertainment" and to make life les boring.
Do you see either of you moving to be with the other? Is that something you have talked about? Is it realistic?
Can you handle being her caretaker? Because it sounds like that is what she is looking for, in a sense. Being on methadone is good, but it's a substitute for the drugs (in a sense). If she moves to be with you, she might still be on methadone and methadone is not exactly great for the body and mind (not that drugs are either, still). There are a lot of side effect that can great affect her mood. She might suck that up because she feels it's better than doing drugs.
She is on disability, which means she can contribute little, financially. And the process for her receiving disability in another state might also take a while - not sure how that works.
You have kids, close to where you live ( I surmise) so you moving to her state/place seems like a bad choice for you. As you would see less of your kids. Plus you obviously have a job where you live, that might not transfer there.
I know it's only been a year and with VERY little in person contact, so maybe it's too soon to consider all those things.
Short term solution:
What you CAN do now, is set up SCHEDULED date nights, can be over Skype/Facetime or whatnot and STICK to them. That way she KNOWS that she gets to see you/talk to you every insert day/time. You can make it into a movie night or anything you two can decide on.
I have to ask, HOW invested are you in this LDR?
...............................
|
