A
male
age
41-50,
*nonymus2012
writes:My ldgf was having some drinks with her female roomate and a couple of guys until 3 am at her place. is it acceptable? Here's the story: when we skyped she said she was going to bed and we were about to end our converstation when her phone rang and it was around 10.30 pm. I didnt asked anything and said good night. At the next day I asked why she didn't text me good night ( we have the habit of texting each other good night just before sleep) and she said it was because she went to bed after 3, I asked her why? She said her roomate was with her friend and then another guy showed up at 11pm to return her something. So the four of them had some drinks until 3 am as per my gf. I told her i find it not aproppiate and said I was not comfortable with it. She said she couldn't avoid it and it wouldn't be polite to tell them to leave so she decided to stay with them. She had school early at the next day and still she kept drinking with them. Im not comfortable with guys showing up at her place late at night for drinks. I told her is not normal for a guy to show up at 11 pm to return something borrowed. I asked her if it was him who called her and she said no, it was her female friend. She told me I was being paranoid and there was nothing wrong about what she did so she wouldn't apologize. She said her friend stopped by to return her thing because late at night is when he is off from work from university. And I was wtf? He works at university? What kind of job does he do at university to be off at late night? I asked her to please avoid that kind of situations because they make me feel uncomfortable and are the kind of things I wouldn't do because I have a girlfriend and it wouldnt be right. After this she said that sometimes she just can't say no so I have to suck it up. Am I right to think that behavior is wrong for someone in a commited relationship? We have been together for over a year and a half and we have plans to move in together in one year.
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male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (23 November 2013):
It is ironic. I had a friend who was faithful to a girl who had trust issues. She used to pull evidence out of thin air that he had been cheating and give him hell for it.
He loved her, so he put up with it for awhile. But one time him and I were out having a beer and an opportunity to cheat arose. His rationale was that he's being treated like a cheater so he might as well have the benefit of sleeping with another woman.
From that point on he occasionally cheated. She caught him a few times and realized that now he actually was cheating as opposed to before, when it was all in her head.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2013): "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." Don't let cheating be the only sin that gets the better of you. Anyone is capable of cheating under unpredictable circumstances. Stressing people out with insecurity is just as much of a sin. Being controlling and accusatory is unfair; when someone is totally innocent, and quite capable of handling their behavior without your intervention. Or, having you present to oversee what they're doing every moment of the day. Cheating is rampant these days, and all around us. We still take the risks of trying to maintain loving relationships against all odds. People might as well do what they're accused of, if they are relentlessly blamed for something they haven't.Don't fault yourself, or feel bad for being human. Everyone on this site would probably feel the same way you feel; if we were sitting where you are. However; we all know we have to live by the choices we make. You want to keep up an LDR.You placed a lot of pressure on yourself by trying to carrying on a relationship with distance between you. If this happened after you formed your commitment; then you had little choice but to pursue the things each of you needed to do, for the sake of your professions or school. You're preparing for your futures.You don't explain how your relationship originated. Whether you met online and formed a relationship; or if you had a previously existing relationship, and was separated by necessity. In either case, if you both mutually decided to stay together, you have to hang in there and keep up your ends of the agreement. You can't require that she not carry on her life as she would under normal circumstances; because she could just dump you, and move on to find another guy if she wanted to.The thing is, the distance is wearing you down; and it's burdensome not to be closer. I do recommend that you reconsider keeping it up, if you see your work suffering, or you're developing extreme panic and anxiety behind it. You're no good to yourself or anyone else; if your mental and physical-health is pushed beyond the limits. She may be hurt if you have to back out; but so would you, if the distance is taking too much of a toll. Discuss how she's holding up, to determine if it's becoming too much pressure for her.Be man enough to deal with whatever she says. Don't make it hard for her to be honest; or you'll force her to hide her true feelings. It seems to be getting rough on your end for sure.You need to visit as soon as you can, and make some serious adjustments. This might just be too much for both of you.
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A
male
reader, anonymus2012 +, writes (22 November 2013):
anonymus2012 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your comments, I ve been reading a lot about trust issues and how to deal with them, I love this girl and I really want this to work out but I guess my problem is my past, I've been surrounded by cheaters all my life -friends and even family- including my ex who cheated on me. Anyways. Its refreshing to hear from other people that there is nothing to be suspicious about her. I'm working very hard to trust her, I don't want to come across like a controlling boyfriend. As I've read it will only push her away to do such things. Ironic, isn't?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2013): You live miles away, and you made a choice to maintain a relationship with someone long-distance. You in essence tellyour partner you are strong enough and willing to stay together regardless of the distance. You have trust that can withstand time and distance.It is very much acceptable for your partner to have drinks with friends, at any hour they like. As a college student, I studied until three and four in the morning, even partied, and had my butt ready for morning calisthenics at 5:30 am. It wasn't every night; but when the occasion arises, you do what you have to do.As for what job can you do at university all night? How about campus security or janitor? They have late hours, and shifts may end early the next morning.Long-distance relationships survive on trust. There is little else apart from love. You can't control people. So when it becomes more than you can tolerate, your option is to end it. It will take a load off your nerves.People in LDR'S still have to live and have friends. They have to socialize outside the realm of their committed relationships. Just like any other relationship.Don't you socialize with your friends? Or do you sit by the computer and phone all day? You must have to work, attend school, or otherwise live your life?If you feel she might find someone else or cheat; then reconsider the risks, and discomfort you feel being in a LDR. Let it go and find someone local. It's not for everyone.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 November 2013):
 I also do not think she did anything wrong. I was LDR with my husband for a year. I get LDRs. I get insecurity but you are over the top.
1. She told you the next day what happened. HER responses seem reasonable and plausible to me.
2. Your insecurity is not her problem. Why are you so insecure? Do you expect her to not have male friends?
3. She is not an island and has NO control over what OTHER people do.
Now on to more specifics for you:
TRUST is crucial for an relationship but it’s more critical in an LDR when you are not able to be together. Do you two see each other at all regularly? IF not, why not? And how can you fix that?
YOU are not the arbiter of what is and is NOT appropriate for a grown woman in her own home to be doing. HER ROOMMATE had a friend over, she was being social… another friend showed up and it turned into a small impromptu party. Yes she could have excused herself and gone to bed if she wanted but then she might have felt she was being rude to guests in her home or that they would feel they could not be themselves by trying to be quiet while she was sleeping…so as a good host she stayed up with them till they left.
She had school… HOW MUCH YOUNGER THAN YOU IS THIS YOUNG LADY? I know in my 20s I could party all night and hit class the next day no problem… my husband is a mere 40 and he can often still go on a few hours of sleep. He stays up till 3 or so gaming then gets up at 6:30 to go to work. At 53 that does not happen for me but the younger folks… all nighters are very common.
As for showing up at 11… again.. college students keep odd hours.. when I was in school I worked in the library and it closed at 11… if I had to drop something off to someone after work I was going to show up at 11:30… most college kids are still up then. You can’t enforce a 9 pm bedtime on an adult unless they want it… (and trust me at 53 I’m thrilled to be sent to bed at 9 pm but in my 20s… that was when we were just getting started)
She’s right you are being paranoid, insecure and controlling… and guess what it’s NOT attractive and it could cost you your relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2013): I agree with CMMP. It really does suck to know that your gf was having fun without you. Yes, you feel excluded/left out, and it's not a nice feeling. This is where we have to say nothing, and know it's our insecurity/jealousy making us feel this awful feeling, trust out partner, and try to find a place where we feel happy for them having a nice evening albeit unexpectedly and without us. Alternatively, you can decide that you can not deal with those sorts of feelings, ever again, request that she does not do that again, and then risk her choosing to either - respect your wishes and possibly grow to resent you, agree with you and expect you to never do the same either, break up with you for being controlling/insecure or do it anyway, and let you break up with her, OR WORSE she might just lie to you in future.She told you the truth, because she had nothing to hide. You have to get a grip on this (I know it's hard), and allow this sort of thing to happen occasionally.I say to my bf when these things come up (and I HATE how it makes me feel).... "Babe, you know our boundaries, as long as you are loyal to our relationship and respectful of me when I am not around, I just trust you". Then he feels wonderful that I trust him, I feel good knowing I have done the right thing by him, and I just trust him.IF, anything EVER happens where your gf IS unfaithful...THAT is the time to deal with it. Otherwise, TRUST her!!She has told you she doesn't feel there is anything wrong with what she did, so it is unlikely she would agree not to allow it to happen again. It sounds like she didn't instigate it, it just happened.... and these things do occasionally just happen.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (21 November 2013):
Is this a long distance relationship? That's kind of relevant.
I don't think she did anything wrong either. Although, the truth is, alcohol can loosen people up so you have to be careful if you want to remain committed and faithful.
But that's where trust comes in. You either trust her to be responsible or you don't. If you don't then maybe you're with the wrong person...
Her response seems honest as well.
All that being said I don't blame you for feeling a little insecure with your gf drinking with a couple of guys, but sometimes you just have to suck it up and assume your loved one is doing the right thing. If she cheats, break up with her and find someone faithful.
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