A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Aunts and uncles, I am confused and don't know if I am making the right decision. I was in an LDR with my boyfriend in since early 2018. We have been best friends since I was 18 and he was 17- he asked me out since I was 23.We were in a relationship since then. He is a very dependable nice guy. Though I loved him and was very affectionate towards him, my attraction for him cooled off. By end 2018, when it had been more than 6 months of LDR, my feelings for him had completely ebbed. I told him I didn't wanted a break from the relationship since I wasn't sure of my feelings for him. I broke up with him by end 2019. Come April 2020, I got attracted to a man at work. It started as a harmless crush. I was foolish and let it show on my face. The man in reality was a seasoned player and adulterer ( I came to know about this only much later).He realized things pretty quickly and began paying me more attention at work and used to flirt with me through gestures, body language and emotions. A couple of months into this nonsense, I realized this guys has a girlfriend and is simply stringing me along for a quick emotional fix. He viewed me as a plaything nothing more. i felt stupid for allowing him to treat me thus. At the same time, I realized, that all this stringing along, has lead me to lust for him.And I know I can do nothing about it. I can't ask him out irrespective of his relationship status- say even if he were single, he is still a colleague. We are both star workers- I am at mid senior level and he is a senior guy. Management might frown upon us even if he was single. I couldn't confront this man directly - since he can always say I imagined things in my head about him ( I actually got a few eye witness to confirm my understanding of his behavior) and there was nothing verbal that happened. He might even pull in HR and get me fired ( This guy is big on politics at work). I have continued to ignore this guy, while parallely working on myself internally. I had developed self esteem issues, for a while I felt that I am probably not desirable enough for a man to take me more seriously. I then convinced myself to go into therapy. I have slowly cultivated a prayer routine to help connect with higher self. My friends and career coach have been of great help all along. This process of fixing myself is however taking its own time. Meanwhile my ex buzzes me out of the blue asking me why did I break up. He told me that i probably broke up with him because of the long distance. He hasn't been with any other woman ( I believe him - he doesn't lie. There is nothing suspicious about this - I am the only girl he has ever liked, I know that.) and wants to get engaged to me. He thinks it will be good for both of us. I don't think i am even ready for a relationship rite now. Also this entire episode of lusting for a guy who I can't have has somehow left me with a twisted thought-that attraction is important in a relationship - there have been times where I have thought that the absence of attraction for my ex is what led to all this lusting for a senior colleague. I want to figure out things in my head and have some space to myself.I am afraid saying yes to his engagement proposal will only lead to an unhappy future and a loveless marriage for both of us. Am I right in thinking this way and giving due importance to mutual attraction in relationships ? Also what are some other tips to get over my lust of this colleague at work ? I have tried some ways and means already but I realize I am not completely over my attraction for him ? Should I date more men ? I would love to hear from you Aunts and uncles :) :) ( Just some additional information about me and my ex- we are both independent working professionals, well qualified. I have some extra degrees, and earn more than him. I am also extremely passionate about my career- I am in the midst of exploring a career change- looking for a more challenging role- my current job is decent and pays well, but I want to learn more. My ex is a bit laid back that way- he is a slightly more content man as in he is good at his job - but I wouldn't call him the aggressive alpha type. We both however have a lot of things in common like music, reading. A significant point of difference would be our idea of dressing up and fitness- I work out regularly and pay attention to dressing- He barely looks after his physique and wears old clothes all the time though between the two of us he is one who is naturally good looking. The other guy at work is aggressive and good looking and yeah -a real hot bod. He is otherwise barely educated and made it to the top by largely stealing credit of people who worked for him. His weakness for women and gambling is legendary in the organization. Also if it helps I was born to aggressive self made parents - my parents ran their own outfit and worked their way up from scratch. Our lifestyle drastically improved because of that. By contrast, my ex's parents and his brother all are extremely laid back- they have their jobs, but dont aspire for more- I am a little worried about fitting in to their family if i say yes to my ex's proposal- I am trying to give you guys as much info here so as to help impart a perspective.)Yours sincerely,Extremely Confused lass
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a break, at work, best friend, broke up, crush, engaged, flirt, gambling, has a girlfriend, long distance, my ex, player, self esteem Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2021): P.S.
Don't look down on people who don't possess the same high goals and ambitions as you do. Some are content with a humble life, and not feeling driven to be materialistic and money-hungry. They don't need bragging-rights or lofty titles. They find fulfillment and happiness in doing what they love. You don't have to be driven and ambitious to be successful. Making a lot of money doesn't make you a better person, or a happier person.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2021): In India, I guess you have options. One being your parents choosing someone for you; or finding someone yourself.
If you were in an arranged-marriage; I don't think mutual-attraction is guaranteed as one of the benefits, but a chosen groom would be one your parents might like more than you would. From what I'm told, often people grow to love each-other; otherwise, they sometimes just learn to respect and tolerate each-other for the sake of cultural-tradition.
The point I'm making here, is that your modern progressive-thinking demands you have an all-around attraction to your romantic-connection. You don't love your former LDR boyfriend; and you feel no physical-attraction towards him. You were pretty critical of him regarding his lack of ambition; but at least you gave him a compliment regarding his looks. You wouldn't be satisfied with his laid-back ways; and you no longer have feelings for him. That concludes that situation.
If you followed tradition, it wouldn't matter if you had no feelings for him when you married him. It would be nice if you simply got along. Leaving your future entirely in the hands of fate and probability.
Marriage without any sexual-attraction and emotional-attachment to your partner obviously isn't ideal; but it's common in your culture that people abide by the rules of tradition, and try to please their parents. You're fortunate to be so ambitious, strong, and independent; in spite of what old traditions, patriarchy, and religion have demanded of so many women in your country.
In my personal-opinion, merely living together and tolerating each-other isn't a marriage. It's just an arrangement, or form of bondage. Meant to fulfill the duty to procreate, and produce grandchildren; and follow tradition to please your parents on both-sides. In all cultures, you're pressured on all sides when you're pushing 30; by your parents, grandparents, friends, extended-family, and your community. You're expected to settle-down, and find yourself a husband. Otherwise, unpleasant rumors and opinions would be spun around you. If your family doesn't feel compelled to maintain the status quo; you have no reason to rush.
You're not traditional; so you'd be miserable, and he would too. He'd start to realize his feelings aren't being reciprocated. His frustration would build into resentment for you. I think it would be best to reject his proposal. Don't leave him hanging. If not you, he'll find somebody else; or his parents or relatives can do it for him.
If he's also over 30, I speculate his parents are pressuring him to get married. Thus, he thought of you! At least he knows you, you've dated, and you have some things in common.
As for the co-worker. There's no advice but to keep your distance. That's a matter of self-control, and using your common sense. You know he's a player, and has a wife. Whatever attraction (or lust) you possess towards him; it is neither here nor there! It's pointless, and fodder for a lot of drama and gossip.
If you're not being pressured to marry; and you want to be attracted to your future-husband, as well as have feelings for him. The obvious and logical choice is to wait; until you find someone to love and trust. Let that be the foundation on which you marry and build a life together.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2021): Given your background, let me frame this as a business proposal.
Option A: A monogamous controlling jerk who has zero respect for you and to whom you have no emotional attachment but is willing to enter into a binding legal contract offering financial security in exchange for sexual favors rendered.
Option B: A promiscuous controlling jerk who has zero respect for you but for whom you have the hots and so are willing to serve as his on-call fuck buddy and who can do nothing for you other than blackmail and/or blackball you when you have outgrown your usefulness or someone younger and dumber catches his eye.
Your choice should be obvious.
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (27 April 2021):
 Personally i think i would be inclined to cut your ex loose, the feelings that you had for him dissipated, your attraction for him cooled off. If he moved down to where you live, or vice versa would you all of a sudden gain your attraction back for him?.
I would steer clear of the guy at work, he sounds like bad news, and also a player.
The good thing about crushes is they don't last forever, they normally just ebb over time. Just keep telling yourself all the aggravation and upset there would be if you persued things with him.
Work is work, and we are just there to do a job and that's it. Ignor this guy, and if you have to have any dealings with him make sure it's just work related and be as professional as you can then walk away.
By your own admission you say that would would like a career change, so chances are you won't have to deal with him for much longer anyway.
You know how you feel about your ex, so only you know what to do regarding his proposal. Personally i don't think you have the feelings for him from what you have said, you said your self you don't think you are ready for a relationship right now.
SO maybe the best option would be to carry on as you are for the time being and concentrate on yourself, your well being, the love you have for yourself. The worst mistake we could ever make is getting with someone just for the sake of being with someone, or if the feelings are not 100% there.
If your feelings are not there for him, you need to step up to the plate and decline in engagement proposal.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2021): Hi I am the OP. Just to add, also told my ex in brief about the issue I faced and the dilemma that I am in. He still insists that we get engaged and that all these issues are caused by being in an LDR
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