A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My last relationship did not end well. We were together for 6 years, the last 2 or so of which we weren't happy as we had grown apart and weren't right for eachother anymore (I was only 18 when we got together, 15 when we met). After forcing it for too long it eventually crumbled. He became an alcoholic, and after a very turbulent couple of months of him not coming home or communicating at all, it finally ended in December when I woke up in the morning to find him curled up on the sofa with a girl he worked with in our house. He told me he loved her and said many hateful things (at least he was finally opening up to me). This was the day before I started a new job that was a huge step on the career ladder for me. Also, 2 weeks later she was pregnant and they were living together. The whole thing was a huge shock as his behaviour was totally out of character and left me really shaken up. Sometimes even now I look back and can't quite believe it happened that way.Somehow I made it through the next couple of months - it was very transitional and though extremely hard, I don't for a second regret that the relationship ended. For the most part I forgive my ex - he has since apologised for the way he went about things and admits he just didn't know how to handle the relationship failing. We can bump into eachother in the pub and have a perfectly normal conversation, it's almost like he's not the person I built a life with for 6 years, just a guy who resembles him.So now I'm with this new guy and everything is great, I've actually never felt this compatible with anyone before. It took me a while to allow myself to invest emotionally in anyone but myself again, but feel like this could be the guy I spend the rest of my life with and he feels the same. But I get very overwhelmed sometimes in a way that makes me realise I'm still messed up from the last guy- I no longer trust my own judgement of character. What if I invest another 6 years of my life and it doesn't work out? I'm 25 now and feel like the clock is ticking, I'm ready to settle down. What if he turns out to be an asshole, and I just haven't noticed yet because (clearly!) I have poor judgement when it comes to men? I just feel really exposed and vulnerable, and honestly don't think I have the emotional strength to get back up again if this one falls apart. I know all these feelings are pretty normal considering the situation, so any words of wisdom would be appreciated. Many thanks.
View related questions:
alcoholic, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2015): Went through something similar though not as harsh as her being at my place...But yeah he said many hateful and spiteful things to me and I don't believe he'll ever apologise. I don't care.Even if he does-I have no intention of forgiving him,but meanwhile he just doesn't factor in my life any more and never will. I guess I should be grateful for that.Your situation is a bit different-you bump into him,talk etc. That must be tough (even it is subconscious) and it must be a reminder of your "failure".honestly,I have the same feelings as you do (not trusting my judgement), that's why I'm not in a relationship but if I had the reminder in my life I guess it will be harder.An advice (from my therapist), which might help: "Your judgement might have been right at the time. Doesn't mean that this person has stayed the same.Maybe they changed?"Now,I find it difficult to look at it like that (I feel like I didn't know him too+ I don't believe too much in "people changing")BUT you said something very similar to what I was saying to my therapist: "it's almost like he's not the person I built a life with for 6 years, just a guy who resembles him."SOOO, accept that he is no longer who you thought he was. Maybe he changed, or maybe he was always like that but the deal is- he is still not the guy you spent that time with. Not in your head, not in your heart, not in his actions.So if he is just a ghost of who he used to be, do you want to be with that ghost?If not, then why not move on with a real-life person? Your ex is a shadow in your past, everything+ everyone else is your future.You decide your future. So don't let the past hold you back and determine your actions forever. Clear the slate and start writing a new story,xxx
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (8 July 2015):
 I don't think you can go by your FIRST relationship how bad/good at picking a partner you are.
You were 15 when you met. 18 when you started dating. 24 when it ended. WHAT you want at 15, 18 and 24 might be absolutely different. And there was NOT way of knowing at 15,18 or even 24 - that your now EX would pull SUCH a low stunt instead of breaking up with you. He probably didn't know it either, till he decided to take the girl home with him. 15-24 is an age we ALL grow and mature a lot, not just physically, but emotionally and mentally.
YOU are bound to make some mistakes in life, DO NOT let that hold you back from living.
And slow down a little. I get that 25 is OLD (just kidding, honey) and that your biological clock is ticking, BUT I do think it's IMPORTANT that you do not build this whole house, kids, white picket fence fantasy the MOMENT you start dating a guy.
TAKE the time to get to know him, his values, morals, hopes and dreams. See how well of a fit you are. Yes, it might take 12-18 months before you are BOTH sure of the fit.
My last BF, before I met my husband, turned out to be a HUGE DOUCHE LORD. I didn't date for almost 2 years after him. I, like you was scared that I didn't know a "good guy" from a "rotten bugger" - I even resisted dating my husband for quite a while.
Some times you just HAVE to trust your instincts and PAY attention, when it comes to people.
...............................
|
