A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi there,, Ive read many of the posts and can relate to many of the tales of horrible all consuming jealousy, and Im amazed and ashamed that I actually feel a little bit better reading these posts and in some way feel close to you all, just today I had a cry in my room and felt I was the only one in the world who felt this way.. It absolutely boggles me how my mind can get fixated on some stupid, irrelevant, meaningless details about my partners ex and past and it feels like my world is crushing me - the anger, despair, fear, jealousy and rage I feel.I cant fathom it Im 30 Ive travelled the world, been lucky enough to have been with some beautiful special women from around the world, been a public speaker in the US, surfed in remote places here in Australia and O/S fought off a Shark once and have even been fortunate enough to have given CPR and defibbed people back to life (Im a Paramedic). Yet still I can be a vulnerable, insecure fool! It does my head in??!!!In my early 20s I had a sweet wonderful girlfriend who would have done anything for me, we were in love and things were incredible for a while however in our closeness I pried a little too much into her past and her first time/first boyfriend (they werent in love, sex was almost just to get it over with/ cool looking dude whatever). And then a little while after this conversation my brain latched upon these details like a monster and it began to occupy my thoughts night and day even if I woke in the middle of the night to use the bathroom it would be the first thing on my mind - I mean how can such a pure perfect first love (for the both of us) be sullied, chipped away at and gradually destroyed by my otherwise natural, well balanced mind?? I honestly thought I was going crazy and now 7 years on I think I was/am. The things I fixated on, her giving her virginity/first time to him (we hadnt even met),, the thing is he seemed like a pretty good guy really we probably would hav been mates in different circumstances.. The things my brain would latch onto - the fact that he came from an eastern european ancestry and wasnt a true 'Aussie' ie he had black hair - ridiculous I know and as providence would have it one day when we were out we ran into him in a club and as he said goodbye to my girl at the time he whispered something slyly into her ear and this one act led me to such violence and rage that I actually smashed him and his mates because the anger and rage completely conmsumed me, I could not control it - and this from a person who is gentle, kind, thoughtful and aspires to always think the best of his fellow man, has young sisters and is every way opposite and against that sort of behaviour,,, what happened that night??? The thoughts of anger and malice to him turned into action for what because he got to sleep with her first and i didnt,, cave man stuff or what?This all happened 7 or so years ago, now Im 30, settled, good family, friends, well respected in my field and Ive met a girl who i really like....... And little by little its happening again, my brain is poisoning me against her for nothing.. Because she was with a guy in her late teens who also conicidentally is not a true 'Aussie' (it sickens me to write that and Im ashamed cause so many of mates are from diffent countries, yet my head fixates on these things)and they had a child together who is a great kid and her relationship with the father is amicable certainly a lot more that the family I grew up in,, Yet my brain is latching onto these pathetic irreleavnt details and tainting this incredible beautiful girl, who is sweet, kind, caring, down to earth and really everything I ever wanted in a relationship/person... for what!!!!!????? Because she had a relationship with a guy a long time ago and he happened to have a different heritage to me and they accidently had a child together who is loved and cared for by both,, but my brain is relentless spoiling her for me,, crushing me so that when Im with her I feel sadness and despair when only a short time ago I was so happy and looking fwd to the future. When we got together of course I knew she had a child but it didnt bother me, now as Im falling in love with her I feel that I cant handle the thought of her having had a child with someone else and not me. Somebody please SHOOT me!!! Seriously today I thought about paddling out on my surfboard and diving down to the bottom and not ever coming back up,,,, Im so scared the same thing is going to happen all over again, i dont know what to do, who to talk too, no one understands, Should I just be single for the rest of my life? Or not ever get serious with a girl? Do I leave her? can I get past this? Help me..
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crush, her past, insecure, jealous, violent Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, wenmlee  +, writes (26 February 2008):
Let's just say, you're not alone. The same pettyness consumes me. Just keep trying to recognize and admit to when you're being petty or jealous. It is always good to be honest to yourself and to your partner no matter what.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2007): GET COUNSELING NOW!
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (26 July 2007):
 The good news is you've discovered that the problem is yours. That is the first step in the right direction. It sounds like you need to talk to a therapist. Nobody here will be able to give you specific answers to your problem.
This is quite common although the reasons people do this might come from different places. I don't know why you have racist tendencies. I know Australia had a quite a "white" immigration policy for many years. Maybe that formed part of your thought process. In fact most of us in your age group, who live in the west (or Australia, NZ) were most accustomed to growing up with people of the same colour. Times have changed and our world is smaller. People come and go and migration has changed. It's a good thing really. It opens our eyes.
Talk to a professional about your issues. Message me in private if you like. We can talk more.
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