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age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: My boyfriend (we're both 16) thinks I need to stop being smarter then him. He gets d's and c's well I get b's and a's. I don't rub it in his face at all (plus I think its rude as well) and I have been offering to help him get his grades back up but he says that will make look even more stupid. I do admit I can a Ms. Know--it--All sometimes. And since hes use to be dating dumb very unclassy girls who only get f 's and act like sluts 24/7. Any ideas? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2009): Just say that he's being ridiculous and that you aren't going to lower your grades just so he looks better.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2009): Ahhhh, you poor girl. I know what you're going through. Sounds to me like your guy is the younger version of my ex from some years ago.I happen to be very intelligent and at the time I was dating this loser, I had a very nice job that paid very well and of course had my own place and whatnot (still do, but that's besides the point). And he resented every bit of it. Told me when speaking not to "use big words." Refused to get a job when he was living with me because I "could afford it." The fact that I was doing something with my life and had goals while he was unemployed was a problem for him. The fact that I was more intelligent and educated was an issue as well. One time he actually had the audacity to tell me during an argument that I was "born with a silver spoon in my mouth," which made me hit the roof because every single thing I ever had and have I earned on my own. It was like he resented me because of what I was doing with my life while he sat home on my couch all day doing drugs and not much else. And he took that resentment out on me by making digs about my weight and pointing out what was wrong with me. And if I ever retaliated by bringing up how he had no job or the mess he was doing (including screwing around on me), he would say, "We're not talking about me!"In the end, oddly enough, he dumped me and left me with over $10,000 in debt that it took me 9 years to pay off.Why do I tell you this? Because your guy is following on the same road. He's insecure about the fact that you're more intelligent than he is. Because you're young, he's talking about grades. When you get older, it'll be about how you earn more money than he does. It doesn't stop. And to make up for his perceived failure, he'll turn the tables on you and try to hurt you in every way he can. So, my advice is Get Out Now. It won't get any better. Don't make the mistakes I did, thinking that I could "help" him or "inspire" him to do more. All it did was leave me in deep debt and with a massive blow to my self esteem, since I had to constantly listen to how fat i am (which was apparently good enough for him when we first dated).Hope this helps.
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (7 February 2009):
 When I was young I wanted to become a baker. That means going to lower technical school. I have a fairly high IQ. Not a good thing to have there so I learned to not show it. To lower my grades so I wouldn't stand out.
BAD IDEA. Years later I still struggle with the idea of standing out even after I shifted to a different career where excellence is not only expected but rewarded and admired.
Basically, I waisted years of my life trying to do what your boyfriend wants you to do.
If he can't handle dating a girl who is more intelligent then him, he can do two thing. Smarten up or find a dumb girl.
You will also have to ask yourself what this relationship is about. Does he love you or want a trophy? Do you really want a guy who is so insecure he can't deal with your average intelligence? Be honest, B's ain't all that impressive after all. Perfect 10's might be and then you would have to ask yourself (like I should have) if you are not in the wrong school.
He isn't asking you not to show off your higher marks, he is asking you to lower them. That is a LOT to ask. Say you two are the same size. He then might ask you not to wear high heels that make you taller. Fair enough. But if he asked you to constantly walk with a stoop so he seems taller...
Ask yourself what this says about his feelings for you. Do you really want to be with a guy where you have to worry every second of your life wether your achievements don't make him feel insecure?
Would he do the same for you? Say he is good in sports and you aren't. Does he lower his performance so you don't look worse then him?
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female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (7 February 2009):
That's like saying "you need to stop being taller than me!"
You can't change who you are or your IQ.
Try to continue not making a big deal of it and be careful that you are not correcting him or making him feel stupid but other than that, if he can't cope with you then it's his loss.
Some men are just too intimidated by strong intelligent women. I went out with a rugby player once and he said I should be "more feminine" by going shopping more and not talking about "boring stuff" like news or books or films. Apparently "guys don't like that." He didn't get a second date.
Good Luck!! xx
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male
reader, lovelynightmare  +, writes (7 February 2009):
 Just about a month and 1/2 ago, I broke up with someone who was not as intellectually inclined as I.It hurt me a lot because she had a deep, sweet, loving heart and was fairly beautiful, but when I brought up anything intellectual she would not understand or even try to, which would have been enough for me.And my intellect is so much a part of me that I found I needed this quality in a mate, so I broke it off. It hurt like hell, but I did it.If he is unwilling to change, I suggest you weigh how important that smarts are to you in a boyfriend, and make a decision accordingly.Good luck,lovelynightmare
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2009): My idea is that this is the wrong boy for you to be hanging out with let alone call him your boyfriend...
He is insulting your intelligence by suggesting that you dumb yourself down. He doesn't care about his grades or he would accept your help to get them up, he is lazy.
It is NOT your job to help him get good grades.....and he is not going to like you for helping him....he needs to take responsibility on his own to improve his study habits and get help in subjects that he needs help with. His parents should be the concerned ones, not you, and they probably are on him to improve and he is rebelling and taking out his misdirected anger about that on you.
If he prefers low class stupid girls then that says something about who he is....our friends always are a reflection of ourselves, otherwise we wouldn't choose them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2009): I have a 4.0 and I have all my life. . . he is stupid for thinking that you would do that! Go ahead, start getting F's. . . if you don't want a future! I hate it when people act stupid to be popular or something! Trust me, no guy is worth that! I would rather die than not be able to shine, to show what I really can become, and seize to opportunity to achieve my goals. He doesn't deserve you because he wants to drag you down to his level. He is right, you are too smart for him! Don't be stupid, don't hide your abilities for his comfort. Don't let him bring you down and walk all over you. It's never worth it.
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reader, FountainOfIndifference  +, writes (7 February 2009):
 He thinks you need to stop being smarter then him. Right.Maybe he should just stop being dumber than you. Seriously.Good grades are nothing to be ashamed of. You've offered him help and he refused. If push comes to shove, dump the guy. If he can't stand the fact that you're smarter than him, there might just be a problem with your relationship.There's no reason to just start failing all of your classes because he can't deal with being dumb. Get him a tutor or something. Maybe try tutoring him in an interesting way."All right, if Mr. T if juggling fifteen burning kittens, and his assistant throws in enough flaming tennis balls to multiply the amount of items Mr. T is juggling by two, how many flaming tennis balls did his assistant throw in?"
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