| A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: My boyfriend gave me an ultimatum... we've been together for 3 years, and he's my first boyfriend, I'm 20, he's 24. The thing is, we've had our ups and downs, he has matured a lot, but now I seem to be the one with the problem. Mainly, I have issues with:1. Insecurity, envy and jealousy: particularly about looks, I feel ugly all the time and hate that he likes looking at pictures of naked women. He sees no harm in this, and says he doesn't know any other woman who is so upset over this as I am. Frankly, I don't either, so I feel like a freak. He says so what if he wants to look, an dthis only makes me feel uglier. He says I'm not ugly, but I can't believe him if he looks at better looking women (who, without the airbrushing, would still look better than me). I'm also jealous of his female friends and his exes, who he stopped talking to. In the beginning it was him who had issues with my past, and although he still gets upset about it every now and then, he has progressed a lot. In the beginning, I didn't really mind that he talked to his exes, or that he watched porn. But now, I can't stand any of it, and I don't know why.2. Anger and sadness: I've always had issues controlling my emotions. Ever since I was a kid, I'd cry about everything, and still do. And when I'm angry, sometimes I'll yell and stuff. I've always been temperamental and moody. He says I've become bitter. I talked to my mom and she agreed I've chaged for the worse.I feel so flawed. I envy every other girl I see, I get upset if he seems to have more fun with his friends than me (I've also felt like this with my own friends, when they seem to have more fun without me, to a lesser extent, though), I feel envious when my sister does better at things, I get upset whenever someone makes even a light joke about me, I can be intolerant sometimes, I get bitter when people talk about hot chicks or when I see half naked women on TV/magazines/billboards, etc. I hate my body, I feel ugly all the time, I tend to take distance from my family, etc. I feel like I'm a horrible person, and I've tried therapy, but it hasn't worked! I know it's unfair on him to have to put up with my crap, but somehow I just can't seem to get over it (even though I want to and I love him... he thinks I don't really love him because I haven't changed but that's not true). Frankly, if I were with another guy, I'd probably feel the same. I feel like a neourotic bitch, who nobody can stand, and I don't blame him for being tired of me. He says he loves me, but that he doesn't like the new me, that he likes the old me and wishes she'd come back. My mom told me I can't let myself lose him over this, because I may never find another guy like him again. I just don't think I can change overnight, but his patience is running out. I don't know how to fix myself, therapy didn't work, so what else?
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female
reader, hijacked_dignity  +, writes (26 August 2009):
 It sounds like you went through something that I went through a little while ago. There are a couple issues that you bring up, and I'll try to address them all.
1. Your insecurities seem like the most important subject. I think if you control your insecurities, then you'll be able to control your over emotional reactions as well. About the pornography. Both me and my boyfriend look at porn, and you have to realize that him looking at these girls online has nothing to do with you. When he looks at them, he isn't comparing you to them. He is just looking at sex to get off. It's not even the specific woman he's searching out, it's just the idea of breasts, hips, vagina etc. that visually stimulate him. Especially when you aren't around, it's nice to get masturbation to end a little quicker. That's all it is. As for other hot women? I mean you got to realize that you are beautiful to him. He is with you, isn't he? He has sex with you and he shows affection toward you. But just because you are gorgeous in your own right doesn't mean that everyone else becomes ugly. There are other attractive women that exist in the world. So what? That's even more of a testament to him being loyal to you! There are other attractive women out there, yet here he's staying by your side. He wants you. That should raise your security in it's own right. For yourself, maybe if you feel really insecure, you should start working out every once in a while. You may not need to lose weight, but being active and staying busy will raise your personal feeling of productivity. That definitely helps self-esteem. Get involved in volunteering or something. Get a different job. Just get busy!
2. When it comes to being angry or sad, maybe whenever you feel these really severe emotions, you should take a time out and walk away from the situation for a couple minutes. Think about why you are so upset, and think of a way that you can convey these feelings in a more productive way. Like sitting your boyfriend or whoever you're with down and just talking about things. Just ask for a few minutes to yourself and take a deep breath. This is very hard to change, because I went through the same transformation. I used to cry and pout and all those other childish things in front of my boyfriend. Now I just stay quiet for a few minutes and once I figure out what exactly is upsetting me, I let him know in a calm way if I find it's really worth mentioning. Most of the time though I find I'm upset for a really stupid reason, and that minute or so I give myself to think about it is enough to realize it. That's a whole unnecessary argument that I actually avoid.
3. The third thing I found in your post that supports your insecurities is what you said that your mom stated. She said that you "can't let myself lose him over this, because I may never find another guy like him again". With advice like this, no wonder you are insecure. You have to realize that as much as you love your boyfriend, that if things go wrong with this relationship, there are other guys out there in the world. You have to realize that you are much better than you are giving yourself credit for, and if things went wrong in your relationship, you would have no problem finding someone else. Don't compromise your happiness or force security for the sake of your relationship. The less you stress on how important your boyfriend is in your life, and how what he does dictates your happiness, the more secure you'll become.
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