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female
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anonymous
writes: I'm afraid I'm letting my insecurities sabotage my relationship with my boyfriend. How can I stop this from happening? I want to feel better about myself, and I am going back to see an old counselor because my old memories of my ex keep on flooding back when I'm with my current boyfriend (my old ex was emotionally abusive) and I noticed that sometimes I get a vague sense of nauseousness if I let him touch me for too long or in certain places, and I get scared when I feel like I can't communicate with him or like I feel like he doesn't understand me...the first time I had sex was with my ex and maybe that's affecting the intimacy I have with my boyfriend now. Yet, me and my current boyfriend haven't had sex and we don't plan to because we want to be abstinent, but sometimes when he touches me in certain ways it just reminds me of my ex or I feel like I get the same sexual feelings I had when I was with my ex and that's when I feel sick. I feel like I overreact about little things that he does that offend me that makes me think he is disrespecting me and I have to defend myself. Did anyone else go through this? I read somewhere that having a low self esteem or having been in an abusive relationship makes you subconsciously believe you don't deserve to have a good person or relationship, and you try to unconsciously sabotage it because you believe you don't deserve it. I've talked to my boyfriend about this saying I want him to remember I've been hurt deeply before and I don't like talking about marriage or kids...(my ex pushed me to get engaged and I developed like a loathing towards marriage or engagement) he wasn't talking about it seriously, but I quickly wanted to squelsh that idea out of his mind and remind him we have been in a relationship for one year. I feel like I want to be close to him emotionally, but I feel like maybe I give out mixed messages like "come closer and go away" in the same breath. That's how I feel sometimes and this thought really distresses me a lot, I wish I could figure out what is this obscure bad feeling I have...I feel confused I guess, like I can't figure it out for myself...this feeling comes up everytime I feel like my current boyfriend hasn't listened to me or hasn't paid me enough attention, then that's when this avalanche of insecurities come over me. Can anyone help? I would really appreciate it. thank you
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emotionally abusive, engaged, mixed messages, my ex, self esteem Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2006): I am going through the exact same thing as you. My ex completely messed up my head and my perception on myself. I was with him for 9 years. I was even married to him. I am now divorced and with someone new. It is very hard. I do the same thing that you said, where I push him away but pull him close at the same time. The only way that I have found to deal with this is to talk to my current boyfriend about it when I am feeling it. I have found that he is amazingly understanding and helps me through it. Just be honest with your new boyfriend instead of keeping all the feelings bottled up inside. Just make sure to let him know that you care about him and that these bad feelings are not about him. Trust me, it will get better with time. Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2006): Dear, I am sorry your ex bf emotionally abused you and has left you hurting like this. No one deserves to be treated in such a unloving, thoughtless manner, that it affects their future, this deeply. Keep going to the counselor-they will help you enormously but please remember...you are the common denominator of your own life. Right now, you simply need to learn to trust life again. You need to heal from what has happened to you..you need to learn to love yourself. Once that happens, you will be able to act much more balanced and loving to your current bf, with thought of getting anything nothing in return. It will take time to get there..it's a long process. One has to remember the love that comes into your life, like you are sharing with this current bf...will depend on you and how you percieve yourself. It's takes strength and courage to get there. And by going to counseling...you are choosing to change by asking for help. Good luck, hun and keep us updated.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2006): You know where your insecurities are coming from - your feelings associated with your ex-boyfriend. Recognizing this is a good first step.
Being aware of this may help you to ease up on reacting when you feel he hasn't paid you enough attention or has "disrespected" you. When you feel like you have to get defensive or push him away - DON'T. Try to take a lighter "tone" with him overall. You've been in a relationship for a year, and he hasn't ended it, and surely he does understand that your ex was abusive!
Getting together with your counsellor is an EXCELLENT idea to learn how to deal with your feelings! Hopefully, she/he has some solid, practical suggestions for you to try!
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, onewish89hmb +, writes (27 June 2006):
 I kind of went through something like that. My ex was VERY controlling. He wanted to know everything about my past and what i thought. Now i feel like i need to tell my ex everything from the past but he doesn't care because he said "what's done is done" but anyways, I know it's hard because you always have those memories. Seeing a councelor is a good idea though. Eventually, you should get over those feelings. Try getting closer to him and just keep reminding yourself that you need to move on from the past. Although it is VERY hard because of being emotionally abused. I know how it is so I know it's hard myself but eventually everything will work out. Keep seeing that counselor and keep reminding yourself you have something better now. Good Luck! :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2006): I can relate. Well, you have to know that some men have their own insecurities. It's up to you to love yourself, forgive your ex (which I know is hard) and say that it is okay for someone to actually love you for you. If this guy is with you for the long haul, tell him how you feel with him (try not to include your ex as the problem) this will let him get some idea of what he can do at the right time. If you can't do that write what bothers you on paper and take it one day at a time to solve them. You also need to know that God loves you! Tell yourself that everyday. It Doesn't hurt to pray either. I hope this helped.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2006): Okay, first I have to congratulate you for not letting your ex make all men hated. Next, I can relate. I used to be in a similar relationship where he was dominering and thought he knew everything. Well, one you have to know that some men have their own insecurities. It's up to you to love yourself, forgive your ex (which I know is hard) and say that it is okay for someone to actually love you for you. If this guy is with you for the long haul, tell him how you feel with him (try not to include your ex as the problem) this will let him get some idea of what he can do at the right time. If you can't do that right what bothers you on paper and take it one day at a time to solve them. You also need to know that God loves you! Tell yourself that everyday. I hope this helped.
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