A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a year and a half now and I love him to pieces but I don't understand why I'm hell bent on ruining it.A few years ago I started dating my ex - we were together for 2 years, and then I found out he had been cheating on me with one of my friends for 7 months. I didn't take it very well and it took me a while to heal but then I met m current boyfriend. I used to be a very secure person, but I think since my ex cheated on me, I've become very nervous that the same is going to happen in this relationship. I've ended up checking my boyfriends phone and found messages from other girls that have nothing worthy of getting angry about, but I start getting jelous and thinking that he MUST be going behind my back because that's what my ex did to me. I hate feeling that I can't trust him. He tells me all the time how much he loves me, wants to hang on to me and spend the rest of his life with me - and I believe him- but I can't seem to get over what happened to me before and worry that there's no way my boyfriend is different.I sometimes even find myself accusing him of not making me feel special enough or not spending enough time with me and when I do this, I feel like I'm watching myself from outside my body and thinking 'what the hell are you doing?!'. I feel like I'm causing an argument for no reason and raising friction.I want to be trusting again. I love him and want to give him the love he deserves because he has never given me any reason to doubt him. I just think that previously when I last put my everything in to a relationship, that my heart got ripped in two, and maybe I'm being stand offish when I shouldn't be - putting my guard up because I'm half expecting it to happen again.Please help. Because it's not fair on him; not matter how much he says he loves me I'm so scared that one day he'll wake up and think he doesn't want this anymore :(x
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2014): I have the same problem. My past relationships, which obviously screwed up any trust/faith in men, have crept into my new relationship. The issues have all come back to the surface after I fund out my new boyfriend cheated on his ex-wife,(the cheating was mutual) and lied to me about it. Now, he probably thought I would think poorly of him if I knew this,(he doesn't know I know) but all it takes is one lie, no matter what the reason for it, to start the mis-trust again. I am so tired of this vicious circle that I am seriously considering giving up on relationships period and I am only 52 years old. He is very good to me, kind, considerate and may be the best man in the world for me but I can't stop thinking that ,"something is up" even tho intellectually I know this to not be the case. I am also checking his phone, e-mails, etc. and found holiday texts to the woman he had an affair with. They were innocent but it killed me that he still had ANY kind of contact with her still. We have been together for 15 months but I'm not sure if we'll make it so I decided to go to a therapist to get a handle on ME, not him. Hopefully this will help. If not, then I will lose him and he will lose me.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2010): It's understandable that you're going to feel that way when your ex cheated on you but 'Entirely Unique' is right - if you're boyfriend ever wanted to cheat on you, he would, no matter what, so it makes no difference you checking up on him and reading his texts. All that does it create nonsense in your own head, and probably about nothing.
If he tells you he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, I'd say he's pretty serious about you. People are aren't interested in the long term don't say things like that - I know my ex never did!
Don't go behind his back - there's no need. All it will do it upset you and upset him if he finds out - he'll begin to feel that no matter what he says, you won't trust him.
Remember, you can't fully be loved until you learn how to love yourself. I know what happened in the past was hard, but don't take it personally - he was clearly an idiot, and what he did had no reflection on you as a person.
Your current boyfriend clearly loves you - believe that. If he wanted to leave, he would but he doesn't. He loves you and he is different to the cheat you dates before.
Good luck :)
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A
female
reader, Entirely Unique +, writes (20 March 2010):
 Its normal to feel like this when you've had someone lie to you and cheat on you but what you've got to remember is not everyone is like that.
I've been in the same situation as you and you know you shouldn't be thinking or feeling like it but you find you just can't help yourself, you think you're being careful and protecting yourself but you're actually driving yourself mad with these thoughts and worries and find yourself seeing something and turning it into something your ex did in your mind or over-thinking into something that is actually innocent.
What you have to remember is no matter how much you think you're being careful and protecting yourself, you're not, you're just hurting yourself with these thoughts and worries and if he did cheat on you no matter how much you think you've protected yourself you will still be hurt and upset and it will still hurt just as much as it would if you let these worries go, only difference is you can tell yourself you knew all along, that doesn't take the pain away.
I would remind yourself that if he is going to cheat on you he will, whether you check up on him or worry about it or not, if its going to happen it will and nothing you say or do is going to stop it.
I would just try to let these worries go, if you have a little wobble then speak to him, let him reassure you and then try to let that be enough for you, if you love him then enjoy your relationship because right now you're only hurting yourself and it might not even be warrented.
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