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female
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anonymous
writes:I have been married for 22 years. I have remained pretty close to the way I looked when I married my husband. I work very hard at keeping myself fit and looking good. I eat right and workout on a regular basis. My husband is a good man, he works very hard and loves me very much. However, I feel embarrassed to be with him. When we were married he weighed 180 lbs. over the past 20 years he has put on over 150lbsNow weighing over 330. I feel unattracted to him, yet he is all over me. It makes me nauseaus. I don't know if I can continue this marriage. He has tried many different diets, even considered bypass surgery, but never sticks with it. What should I do? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2010): Folks - being this overweight is not just about eating too much. Your husband is reacting to something more serious. If he was a woman doing this (obviously he's not) the odds of serious sexual trauma (usually incest) is high. However, this is usually manifested near the age of the abuse and not later in life. He is likely using food to modify the way he feels (often learned at an early age) and something has triggered memories that has thrown him into this reactive mode. It's difficult to say what has him eating so much, but odds are good that he's not enjoying it, if you could get him to be honest about it.There are self-help groups that can assist in compulsive over eaters not only losing weight, but addressing the CAUSE of their food abuse. It costs next to nothing, and not only teaches people how to eat, but how to live life without needing to use food to stuff their feelings.Look up CEA-HOW. It works...
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (24 September 2010):
 Bypass surgery is risky in both the short ande long term. Dieting alone is worthless. He has to watch what he eats and hit the gym. Be sure to hire a trainer for him who can work to give him cardio excercises that won't destroy his ankles and prevent further excercise.You say he works hard, so he probably has some sense of duty. Remind him that it is a marital duty to be the best spouse you can be - that means, in his case, losing the weight. His job is no excuse, he can get up earlier in the morning if he needs more time.Be kind, not subtle. This isn't something you can hint at, nor is it something you can shame him into doing right. You have to keep up the motivation and encouragement until he's back down to a better weight, then *maintain* that lifestyle so he doesn't put it back on.As a side note, well done with your own body. It's good to see someone take that seriously.
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (24 September 2010):
 Try freezing his access to money so he can't buy food and you do all the shopping so that he can't buy junk. Go walking together at night. Not only is it good for his health it'll be good for your marriage cause you can be together and talk about stuff. Tell him you are frightened for his health over his weight and that's your reason for taking charge of the food. Enlist the help of family, workmates and friends. Turn everyone into a sort of food detective for your husband to ensure he only eats the good stuff. If you can afford it pay a dieticitan to come to your house and help him learn new ways to eat and cook foods that taste great and are good for him. Eating is habit, we eat what our tastebuds demand and changing what they demand is hard but can be done.
This may be very callous but you could try using sex as a reward. E.g. lose 5-10 pounds this week and this weekend we'll have fun. Keep it on and no sex for you big boy ;-)
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A
female
reader, radiolay  +, writes (24 September 2010):
 I'm not exactly pro-surgery, but being that weight causes health risks, so do talk to him about the gastric bypass. Stay away from dieting. Diets don't work. He needs a lifestyle change. Eating healthy, sensible portions, adequate water intake and moderate to vigorous exercise is the best route.
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