A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello I have been having issues with my husbands friend. I have told my husband several times but he acts like I'm the issue. For example this guy has said alot of negative untrue things about me in the beginning of our marriage. My husband forgave him. Then we attended a wedding and he tells me I should have bought my husband a car since I make more money. If theres money this guy is always around. If there isnt much money hes gone. Also, I buy cigarettes and he just takes them. I find that rude without asking. Unfortunately my husband is close to this loser. They had an argument once and my husband cried because they werent talking. I find their relationship very bizarre. My husband is showering and calls him in there to have a conversation. I'm not sure what to think. Any advice would be appreciated
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2020): Is your marriage good otherwise? Is it one worth saving? Are you just holding on to it, because you feel you have no other choice?
Are you suggesting or implying that your husband is gay?
Until you decide to give-up smoking, put your cigarettes away in a pocket or a pouch that you keep close to your person. If you leave them sitting around, he'll help himself. If he asks, simply decline; if you aren't feeling particularly generous at the time. You do know how to say "no" don't you? He's not your friend, he's your husband's creepy friend!
How much is this guy around exactly? If you're practically supporting your husband, and he's giving your money to his friend. What are you sticking around for? Not being there to witness this situation, it's difficult to offer any solid advice. It's like you're holding back details; and leaving it up to us to draw conclusions. That's not going to do you much good. If you've done nothing up to this point; it is clear you don't plan to do what we would suggest anyway.
Have you suggested directly to your husband how strange and bizarre his friendship is with his mooching friend? Have you told them both to their faces that you feel as if you're an outsider in your own marriage?
Sometimes you have to have the courage to speak your mind; or remain silent, and simply let things continue. While you stew on it. That's a choice. If you were competing with another woman, you'd probably have a lot to say about it. It's a man, so you're making subtle implications that it might be somewhat "queer."
When you need people out of your life that interfere with the peace and harmony in your marriage; your partner has to know where you stand, and what your boundaries are. You have to be specific regarding what troubles you; and you have to be ready to stand your ground.
If it turns out his friendship with the guy is more important to him than your marriage; then it is you who has to make the decision to do what's best for you.
It's unlikely he'll dump his friend, just because you demand him to. If the ultimatum is that you refuse to be part of a peculiar threesome, he will have to choose. Then you will have to suggest considering counseling, or a divorce. You don't seem to have it in you to just tell him what's on your mind. If you had a mediator or a marriage-counselor present, maybe you would. I speculate you do harbor jealousy about their closeness. Seething in your suspicion, but you won't say or do anything; because you want to keep a man who seems to think his friendship has priority over his marriage. Is he worth it?
If you want to, you might even ask if they're gay? That should get his attention! Tell him straight-up, that it's very hard to tell! Be prepared for the answer. It doesn't sound like you have much of a marriage to fight for anyway.
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (9 February 2020):
 Taking your cigarettes is theft, I'm an ex smoker and HATED this happening to me.
We are of course, only getting one side of the story here, a wise man once told me there are always three sides to a story, his side, her side and somewhere between the two, the truth.
Find a decent counsellor who will be able to help you either devise some strategies for dealing with this or help you decide if the relationship is worth saving.
Alternately you could try talking to your husband again, do it at a time when you are both not doing anything else, in a neutral spot (I recommend sitting at the kitchen table), and let him know how it makes you feel, write it all down first to get it straight in your mind.
If he still isn't interested suggest counselling, if he still isn't interested ask him what his priorities are and then decide if they match up with yours.
Good luck.
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