A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, IM LOOKING FOR SOME ADVICE, I HAVE JUST SEPERATED WITH MY HUSBAND OF 5 YEARS, We have always had a difficult relationship,this is how it started, he had just got out of jail, and i was working as a escourt, i studied in the day and he was a muso and worked in forestry. I fell madly in love in with him and i gave up my job and he supported me, i got pregnant with our daughter 10 months later, and in the meantime all his mates turned against him coz he was in a relationship, and they used him, he had a hard life, his sister and him were molested from age of 3 to 8 around about, porn magazines were used to show him that it was okay to perform, blah blah, by the uncle that lived in the house, his mother walked out on him when he was 3, his father was abusive not physically but with other things like drugs, he had his first joint at 11,and then dad was hardly there. so he was in the care of his grandmother who had been dying of cancer till she died when he was 14 and was left to his own devices.he abused drugs, alcohol,pills.He had two relationships before me and both cheated on him, although he was physically abusive with all of us.he had witnessed his dad being like that to his mum.Anyway i havent had the best upbringing either, but not as bad as hubby, and dont get me wrong i feel for him.we married a year to the day, I have had aprevious relationship when i was 17 and he was 30, he lied to me for 6 months that he was 24!!! and i believed him, he was really hot!!! anyway i should have known better, he was watching porn and getting up in the middle of the night to look at porn, i would find it hidden around the house, and eventually he used to talk about how much he hated prostitutes coz his ex went and did it, blah blah, all his behaivour made me very insecure, also lots of abuse and i had kids couldnt stay, but i was so hurt and angry i went and became a prostitute!!! go figure!!!! anyway within the next 3 years, i had a ball, well 50% of the time, money, drugs, guys, paying u money to have sexwith you!!! it feels okay but u end up gettin to know these men, and all their little lies to their wives or girlfriends and shit like that, by the way while i was working in the parlours i found out that that boyfriend had been apart of a live sex show in the town we lived at with a stripper with no condom!!! i was gutted!!!! and then i found this book he had written in sdaying how much he liked this prosti that he was paying for, but all he did was put me down at home, anyway i worked as a hooker till i met my husband, i had said to my husband that i was not comfortable with porn it remided me of the hurt and insecurity of last relationship, and the clients in the parlour(sometimes u would have it running to get the clients off quicker) i could see how it worked in a crummy parlour, but thats where it should be, not in a marraige. anyway what led to our seperation was..............It was a great day at home just over a year ago, my son had gone away with his stepdad my husband to get something, anyway he had gone somewhere and left my son in the car, anyway he was snooping (my son) and he found a porno magazine under the front seat he didnt say anything to my husband and come in and told me, i was devastated a) that my son had found it and looked at it he was only 8 at the time, and had had issues with his real father exposing him to stuff that was too old for my son, b) it made me feel inadequete, i thought he was selfish and so many things, my self esteem has slowly declined, and so has our sex life, i resent him and i cant be intimate with him, because he said he bought it to hurt me, but things were fine that day, he says it had built up over time, and its so confusing to me, he said he was not into porn because of his abuse, and his ex partner wanted him to watch gay porn, which he was horrified at, so i was confused and felt abused by him, either way i wanted the truth but i dnt believe him, but then again i think maybe it could be about hurting me because he has been so messed with growing up??? anyway its eaten away our relationship, theres apart of me tha want to reconcile but theres apart of me that dosnt want to get hurt again and wonders wheteher you can be with someone so hurt, that his limotation or boundaries have been so blurred, that he thinks its not so bad,,, either way im not going to accept it from him or any other man, im a goodlooking woman and hate feeling insecure, that porno magazine stole heaps away from me and our relationship and it sux for the kids, i need some advice, is it worth sticking in there or should i walk away???? HELP!!!!!!
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condom, drugs, escort, gay porn, grandmother, his ex, insecure, money, porn, prostitute, self esteem, sex life, stripper Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2009): I think that we all have to realize that there are consequences for both past and present behavior. The past just doesn't disappear and it IS an indicator of our character. It is this way for the man or woman who was a prostitute, or cheated on a past or present spouse, or screwed hundreds of partners or beat or verbally abused their spouse.
Sure people can change and many or perhaps most do when they realize that what they are doing is wrong. However, I think that too many people refuse to admit that what they did was wrong. They may change their behavior forever, but they can never really face their past. If they cannot admit that it was wrong then I think they are the ones who are more likely to repeat that behavior at a later time. My wife and I both have been there to some extent, so I know what it is about. In 30 years neither one of us has repeated the things that we did wrong and are not proud of.
That being said, it is not constructive for one person trying to hurt his or her partner to punish them for their past. If it bothers them then they should have a constructive dialogue about it and try to come to a conclusion. Let me give an example. My wife was promiscuous after she left her first husband and before we started to date. She was not proud of it and had to tell me early on. I was not brought up to think well of someone like that so it bothered me a lot. I managed to hide my feelings for many years until a bout of depression brought the feelings back over a year ago. We talked a lot for the first time, but it bothered me that I thought of her as basically a slut. I couldn't stand thinking of her in that way. Finally, she realized my real problem and said to me, "Why does it bother you that you think I was a slut? I think I was too. Why shouldn't you?" I finally felt comfortable thinking that and the outcome is that I know that she is not that woman and hasn't been for 30 years and she is comfortable that I have reconciled my feelings in my mind. Perhaps there are better ways of handling this situation, but it is what worked for us and we are both happy to be back to normal.
The thing that made all the difference to me is that my wife allowed herself to admit that she had acted poorly and was not proud of it. It made me understand that she was never really that slut and just acted that way because she was hurting and depressed. When she told me many years ago, she could not admit to herself the way she acted and tried to feel proud of it when she really felt the opposite. Once we admit our faults to ourselves then it makes it easier to be honest with our partners.
If your husband continues to do things to purposely hurt you then there is no future for this marriage. It is just going to continue to hurt you and make you think of a not too good time in your life. However, it is also up to you to face what you were and not to just hide it. Our pasts are in the past, but we all have to help our partners with their feelings about what we were and what we are. To just try to pretend that it didn't exist is not going to help the situation. As I see it you have 2 things to try. You can either leave him and be rid of what he thinks and feels or the 2 of you can try to have a constructive and long discussion over as many days as necessary to enable both of you to understand the others feelings and concerns. The choice is yours and I am not going to recommend one over the other. However, if you do leave him, remember that the next guy might have the same feelings. On the other hand, he might be totally accepting of your past. You will never know until the real truth comes out and that might take years if he is good at hiding his feelings.
A lot of men and a few women have been on this board and asked the question of how do I get over my partner's sexual past. It is not an easy thing to do and it takes work from both partners. My wife and I have been there and we have both worked hard to resolve both of our feelings. Things would have gone downhill after 28 years if both of us had not been willing to work at it for months. The good that came out of it is that we both also talked about the little things that we have both done to hurt the other at times over the years and are actually much more understanding of the others feelings that we have probably ever been. Good can come out of discussions that are hurtful. There were times when we would both cry over our discussions but we both believe that it was very much worth it. We saved a 28 year relationship and actually improved it. I still don't like the way she acted and neither does she. I still don't like parts of my past and neither does she. However, we both are comfortable that neither one of us is that person any more. You can also get there with work from both of you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2009): First of all, whether or not you are a good person is not up to your husband. He shouldn't put you down just because of a choice you made in the past. If he does, then he isn't worth it. The environment he offers doesn't exactly sound emotionally healthy. I think it's best for you to get out before you get even more hurt. You deserve someone better. It made me a little upset to know that he brought this home to intentionally hurt you. The fact that you were once a prostitute does not give him the right to treat you like a ragged doll.
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