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female
,
anonymous
writes: My sex life with my husband is lacking. We are newly-weds, but we only make love once every few weeks if that...when we do, it is nearly always a disaster. My husband only climaxes about 25 per cent of the time...usually after about five minutes of sex at most he claims it feels "uncomfortable" and stops, then loses his erection. He had phimosis until he was 25 (he is 27 now), and never ejaculated until after this was corrected by full circumcision. I know he can ejaculate now because it happens occasionally when we have sex, and he can do it during masturbation, which he is just learning to do. We have only ever had missionary style sex because if we try any other position he loses his erection after mere seconds, because he cannot penetrate right away due to inexperience. He never regains his erection, no matter what we try. We cannot have any sort of foreplay because if he does not penetrate me the second he has an erection, he will lose it. Also, any time I suggest sex or instigate it, he cannot keep his erection. Even worse, any time sex is implied in advance, he cannot get an erection at all. For example, if we plan to go to a nice BandB or a fancy hotel, we can't have sex because, I assume, he gets performance anxiety. Any time I buy nice lingerie or nightgowns he seems aroused but then we cannot have sex because obviously, me buying these things implies that I might want the night I wear them to lead to something more. The few times we have made love and both climaxed, it has been without any foreplay, sometimes under the influence of alcohol, completely unplanned, and of course, in simple missionary style. What can I do about this? I'm sure he has mental issues about it, but because of that, he is afraid to talk to a therapist. Whenever I try to discuss it with him he feels offended (I suppose understandably) but I always do it not in the bedroom and during a time completely unrelated to sex, so I don't make the problem worse. I feel bad for him, as I have for the past few years we've been together, but I am beginning to feel bad for myself as well.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2006): Wowzers! This is a difficult situation, but it's good that you are asking for help early on in your marriage because it could actually lead to destroying your relationship later on. First, although you talk to your husband about the situation outside the bedroom, it still damages his self-esteem. No man feels complete when he suffers disfunction. And most of the scenarios you described show that his problems are in his own mind. Not that it makes it better or worse - it's just a fact. Here's what I would do if I were you: Sometime when things are going well - like a good weekend or something - talk to him. Or maybe even write him a letter. Make sure it's not a time when you have had another bad incident, but a neutral day or week where nothing in particular has gone wrong. Assure him that you love him and find him attractive. Let him know that this really isn't a big deal, but that you know that he is frustrated and you are afraid this is going to affect your relationship down the road. Ask him what he thinks you should do and maybe give him soft suggestions like read a book together on the subject, talk to someone, etc. He feels pressure and each time he doesn't perform, the next time puts more pressure on him. Eventually, if he doesn't seek help, he will retreat and never initiate or respond to your advances because of fear of failure. A simple test to see if his disfunction is physical or psychological can be taken - and it's REALLY SIMPLE - a doctor will give him a "string" to adhere to his penis when he goes to bed. Most men have erections at night or early morning - due to biological functions of the body. If the string is broken, it's psychological. If it's not, it's probably physical, and those two diagnosis mean a world of diff in his help. Try to get him to seek help ASAP because the longer you wait, the less likely he will try.
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (11 July 2006):
 It sounds like you two have been doing everything right, and that you have shown a lot of support and understanding. In other words, I'm not sure how much further the two of you can get by yourselves.
You mentioned he didn't want to talk to a therapist. I'd focus on that area: really try to convince him to go. Even if its just 'go and see' to start with, perhaps once he's gone a couple of times he'll realize that seeing a therapist is not scary. He clearly has some deep / complex issues, stuff that needs professional support.
There's also a good book on male sexuality that I reccommend. It's called 'The New Male Sexuality, by Bernie Zilbergeld', it's one of the best books on male sexuality and male sexual problems.
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