A
female
age
41-50,
*arma79
writes:What do you do about a man who just does not show his feelings of love/acts romantce/flirtations/etc.... I really am lacking attention!!So I guess I knew what I was getting into ten years ago when we got together... I was a newly divorcee... And somehow I landed right into the dating pool with a fellow that I had a lust for. My new guy was embarassed about my ex and we kept things very hush for the first couple years -- we've now been together for ten years, r married, have babies and and I really wish he would give me some romance -- hell pinch my ass, tell me my tits look good, take me out for dinner or just tell me you find me beautiful.... I get very little physical contact (other than sex -- which is very healthy). He is not romantic, doesnt ever surprise me, no gifts, no mushy-mushy... I think I am just fed up with his ways. I need to have some attention... Ten years is a long time to feel emotionally/romantically abandonded :( Something that I am just not ready for... After all I am young and have yet to be hit with the ugly stick... AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH What to do??????
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2010): Dear ladyyou really need to work with your expectations and look inwards also. You already had one divorce, so you should have worked your expectations from your Hubby.It is quite normal ( not ideal but normal ) that after 10 years sex etc is less coz, he trust you and you trust him. things are stable and trouble free. So my advice is to do not create problems in your mind and keep worrying about them. I feel you can work this out with some changes in you and some changes in him. It is all fine.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (7 June 2010):
 Interesting. I wonder if the situation in your life when you met him (coming out of a divorce and being in flux) caused you to see things in this guy that you're now realizing weren't there. Sometimes in the beginning, our outpouring of love to the guy we're interested in may be so much that we're not paying attention to what kind of expression the guy is giving to us. Maybe the guy got used to you doing all the work and the chasing, and since he's a more passive guy, it worked for him and made him comfortable.
Now, some years later, your emotional fountain no longer runneth over, so to speak, and you're seeing the imbalance for the first time for what it is. He, on the other hand, is operating as things have always been, if not maybe a little bit more taking you for granted now that the lovey-dovey feelings have faded from both of you.
The only solution for you is to take HIM out to dinner, somewhere away from the daily grind, and lovingly yet very distinctly tell him what you need. Don't accuse him or rail on him for not having "seen" the problem. Guys are GREAT at getting what they want from girls because they ask. And ask and ask and ask. Tell him what you want. Tell him what's been missing, and ask him to do specific things. Don't get uncomfortable asking for these specific things, and don't get indignant that he can't automatically pick up on what you want.
If he won't step up after you talk to him, then it's another matter, and one for another DearCupid article. Try this first. Most men LOVE to problem solve. Present it to him as a problem only he can solve, and when he DOES show you affection, lavish praise and appreciation onto him. :)
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A
male
reader, the_stranger +, writes (7 June 2010):
if he were affectionate at the beginning try acting as you did before, if you havent changed try being more interested in him, if he shoots down your attempts to engage such things try doing some things together, whether it be cooking, watching anything entertaining (movie, tv show, going out to a spots even or something that is viewed for enjoyment) so long as you have something to talk about, but if he is only willing to talk on his terms things become more.... shall we say difficult, if he doesnt give you what you feel you need or deserve tell him about it, give him 2 chances no more no less, if he drops the ball its time to move on, after the break up give him one more chance, if he messes up within 4 months there is no hope, its better to have happy divorced parents that miserable married one, but on the other hand you could always make him "work for it" by which i mean the sex, with out speaking the words let it be known he has to earn it yakno?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2010): Awwwww! Hugs for you.
I bet that there are a lot of women out there reading your question and thinking 'Hell, yeah, girl! I know where you're coming from!' And I bet there are also lots of guys reading it, saying 'What's the problem? She's got security and sex - why do presents and romance matter? I don't get it!'
The key thing is that many men don't understand why some (not all) women like these things. They see attention, presents and romance as a kind of annoyance that happens early on in relationships, that they are thankful to dispense with later on when they feel a bit more secure and rooted. This means that the positive way of looking at the situation is that your guy feels really comfortable with you, so he can be completely at home and doesn't feel that he constantly has to try.
However, for many women, presents, attention, and dinner dates aren't really about presents, attention, and dinner dates. They're about a guy saying 'I still find you attractive, I still feel like the luckiest guy in the world to have you, and I don't take you for granted for a second'. It's absolutely not about money. A present doesn't have to be expensive at all - in fact it can be free! It's just a little token that a man has thought about you and your needs in the course of the day, and tried to do just a little thing to make you happy. Similarly, a dinner date can be a romantic, hand-prepared picnic in the park. It's the effort and thought that counts.
Fortunately, not all guys are like this - there are some sensitive men who really 'get it'. But others need to be told, because they just don't understand. I think you need to sit your partner down and explain to him that you feel a little bit neglected. Don't be angry or accusatory - this will just make him defensive - but let him see a little bit of the sadness you feel that this has gone from your life. Ask him to imagine how he would feel if you no longer wanted to sleep with him, and explain to him that his is how you feel when he doesn't pay you attention. It's vital that he sees how serious and significant a problem this is for you - don't let him trivialize or play down the way you feel!
The other thing I would say is this: sometimes it's easy to get stuck into a cycle of resentment, where you feel so fed up with being neglected that you start being neglectful back. I know I fell into that trap with an ex, and it did not end well. Stay yourself - be open, affectionate, and loving. You have to give him the benefit of the doubt and trust that he will respond to you, if he understands why you need affection, and knows that you love him. Be patient - it can be hard for guys who aren't used to expressing their feelings to start doing so - and make sure he realizes how much you appreciate any little effort he does make.
It sounds like underneath this problem of communication, you guys really care about each other - I'm sure you can figure this out. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (7 June 2010):
 You might want to look into "aspergers" Maybe spelled "aspergurs" Not sure. Google it, research it, get broshures on it. I know o people who have this. Both of them were unable to convey to their friends or loved ones that they cared. The guy I know left his gf miserable everyday, even though he loved her.
Juuuust look into it... it's possible.
Otherwise, I assume you've told him how you feel?
You can't force someone to take acts of kindness, because then it's not really from the heart, is it?
What was his reply when you told him that you want to know your tits look good and you want your ass pinched?
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