A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My fiancé and I have been together for almost 5 years. 2 years ago we bought our first house together.Now, 4 years before we met he was married and cheated on his wife. He never kept this from me and was always honest about it.He was unhappy in his marriage as they hadn’t been together long and his wife had become lazy and demanding after they got married and treated him poorly- his family and friends were able to verify this was the case.This wasn’t to justify him having the affair but it’s what contributed to it.He had an affair with a woman he worked with- who was also with someone. Once they were found out they both left their partners but never really got together. When I asked why, he said it didn’t feel right and then she moved away and they lost contact.In the time we’ve been together he’s never given me any reason to doubt his fidelity.Now, here’s the problem. The neighbor opposite us sold his house and the new owners are his colleague (who he had an affair with) and her husband and 2 kids. This was a complete coincidence as my fiancé was shocked too when he saw her, as was she!We’ve all exchanged pleasantries and she seems nice enough but I I don’t feel particularly comfortable living opposite a woman my fiancé slept with.We often stop and chat if we see each other - with or without my fiancé and I've seen him talk to her too, alone. My fiancé told me she doesn’t know I know about their affair and never to bring it up as he has no idea if her husband knows. I want to sell or house, I know I’m probably being over sensitive but I’m not comfortable. My fiancé understands my concerns but assured me nothing will ever happen - he has no feelings for her. Plus he loves our house and after spending so much time on it he doesn’t want to sell. What is the best thing to do? I know what happened was in the past but I don’t want a reminder every time I look out my front door.
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female
reader, RedSonja  +, writes (27 March 2022):
 I feel ya, that is like being on a diabetic and the cake shop is across the street streaming hot juicy delicious scents you can not resist. Smart to find a spot where you are the spice of life with no distractions.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2022): Sorry I'm going to go against the grain here, time has moved on for everyone, she's got children and you have never had a reason to doubt him and he has been honest with you before she even moved opposite. It will get easier as time goes on, she's not an "ex" and even if she was people have them and are perfectly capable of being cordial around them. So you are going to move away because of her? Really? They both clearly knew it wasn't what either wanted so there is no issue here.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2022): Well, your fiancé has a history. He's the cheating kind! This is the stigma that comes from a history of cheating; even if only once!!! I don't care if his ex-wife was terrible, had a flock of flying monkeys, and rode a broom to work; and I wouldn't rest much on the biased-opinions of his family and friends. It's what's in his heart and mind you have to be worried about. You have to wonder what he'll resort to if you run into some problems down the road?
He cheated before he ended his marriage. Henceforth, you are left feeling insecure in your relationship; because his ex-mistress accidentally-on-purpose brought a house right next to yours...and his.
If you don't mind, I will use your post as an example as to why I always advocate against unmarried-people co-signing for debt, combining assets, and seeking mortgage loans together. The law does not recognize faux-marriages! Even with kids!!! If you draw-up a legal and binding business-contract beforehand that covers your butt, giving you rights and options...then okay!
Otherwise, you have no spousal-rights; and if he doesn't want to move, you're stuck. If he decides not to pay his share of the mortgage, your credit is in jeopardy. If you breakoff the engagement; you'll have a battle on your hands regarding the sale and proceeds of the property. God forbid, that you should end your engagement. So...who moves if he decides to stay? You'll have to pay the mortgage, or sign a quitclaim deed to transfer ownership and interest in a property to another party. He could incur liens that could inhibit clear sale of the property! I'm just saying!
Even married-people sometimes sign prenuptial-agreements. Live and learn! You aren't married until you file for a marriage-license, exchange vows before an officiator and witnesses; and say "I do." You're still on your boyfriend-girlfriend honor-agreement while engaged. There are no fiancé rights, just your usual civil-rights under the law.
He still has an escape clause, which may justify an unforeseen breech of the agreement; and can leave you holding the bag! You can run and get a lawyer, but add the legal fees and a retainer. Just to be told how limited your rights are, because he's not your spouse. As far as I know; it's no different in the UK than it is here in the US, when it comes to that!
I'd feel exactly the way you feel. It's unsettling having the ex-mistress over there always eyeballing him, looking you up and down; and remembering what they used to do together. It's just the principle of the thing! Only, you didn't put yourself into this spot without knowing his past.
You'd have to wonder what kind of creepy thoughts are going through her mind, that she would/could bring her husband and children to live next to her former adulterous co-conspirator??? Cheating is not a remedy to a bad-marriage; instead, you get counseling or a divorce. He did everything in the wrong order. He had an affair, broke-up, and then he got a divorce. His credibility is shot, and now here we are!
I guess it's now down to how comfortable you feel, and just how much you trust the two of them. He's the one you really have to worry about; because your credit and property-ownership is tied together. You have to hope and pray he is over this woman; and that she's not some kind of fatal-attraction with some kind of egregious plan up her sleeve. Believe me, I am not trying to instigate or add fuel to the fire. I'm certain all this has already crossed your mind, and I'm trying to convey my full understanding of your dilemma.
Weigh your pros and cons, girlfriend! You can't live in paranoia, or constantly on pins and needles. Somethings got to give! You don't have to sell the property, you can also consider keeping it as an investment-property, and rent it. Of course, that requires his agreement. You know their history, and it's not something simple or easy to dismiss. They used to cheat on their spouses together; and this female decides to move next-door.
I don't believe in coincidence. Events happen, there's cause and effect; and it's our job to come-up with ways to solve problems and overcome challenges or obstacles.
I guess you have to tell him, it's going to take a while before you adjust to this situation; or you can suggest that he consider moving. I don't like to use swear words; but this is a total mind-boink!
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (24 March 2022):
 Is the only reason that you want to sell is because you don't want to keep seeing her every time you open your front door. Or partly because you are worried that he will get with her again when you are not around.
If its more the latter then is kind of means that you don't trust him. I think that if he was going to have a fling with her he will do it if he lives across the street, or 100 miles away.
I feel all you can do here is tell him how uncomfortable this makes you feel her being so close, and that you can't live like this. I'm sure he will be understanding, then maybe you could get a property valuation on your property and consider moving.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2022): I totally agree with everyone else, this will just eat away at you.
Your mind will never rest and be at peace as long as you live there now.
No matter what he says to try and convince you otherwise it won’t work.
Tell him how would he feel if it was a guy from your past who lived across the road, could he accept that and you stopping to chat to him etc..
If he won’t move then you must for your own mental health and it will obviously show then before you marry this man just how much he thinks about you.
I had an ex partner many years ago who had an affair and just hearing the other woman’s name on television etc…. Made me depressed and that was it the relationship was over because I couldn’t cope and accept it.
And to be honest looking back I was glad I left.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 March 2022):
 For me there is only one solution, Selling and moving.
I would not want to TRY and pretend that it doesn't worry me. This is just not good at all for your relationship.
Does it mean you don't trust him?
Yeah, somewhat but it's not UNREASONABLE to not trust him around this woman. Even though he COULd cheat wiht anyone.
I would tell him this:
"I know what happened was in the past but I don’t want a reminder every time I look out my front door."
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2022): Too close for comfort in my opinion and the only way out of this dilemma is to sell.
I know from experience that neighbours who get too close for comfort can be enough to put the wings on a person, even if there have never been shenanigans.
I would start looking and dreaming because you are stalling.
You already aren't really in control and have already been asked not to broach any untoward topic with her hubby by your man!
The only necessary note to make is to not let slip to them that you want to move away, in case they decide it's a good idea and turn up next door to you in your new neighbourhood.
But as you are not married yet, how much of a say in this will you have?
If you just stood your ground and for house hunting maybe your future husband would be glad to move somewhere else so that you can feel relaxed in your home!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2022): First of all, OUCH OP. What rotten luck!!! I am sure some people here will say it was all in the past, you are all adults, you should trust him, there's nothing to worry about, he loves you and has a future with you, not her... yadda, yadda, yadda.
Here is the bottom line. You are always going to see her as a reminder of his shady past and this is not going to go away, ever, as long as she is living across the street. It is hard enough to deal with his shady past without her being in your face. In fact, it is going to eventually drive you around the bend to the point where your mental health will no longer be able to handle it. And to the point where your relationship is going to be irrevocably impacted. Take it from someone who has been there. No matter your best intentions and efforts, past demons have this way of holding on for dear life and no matter what you do, they will not let go. Why should you sacrifice your own well being for her? Or him?
I would decide if this is a deal breaker. For me, it would be. Only because I went through something similar and I have found out through experience that nobody is THAT strong to withstand something like that, no matter how hard they try. These thoughts LIVE in your mind, even if you try to put them away. They are ALWAYS there. You are always second guessing. Never feeling safe. And we must feel safe in our relationships. So, to save yourself all that future anxiety and paranoia and fear and worry, I would tell him the truth. Say that you want to sell the house. If he does not agree, then you can move out. Make him understand your point of view. He NEEDS to UNDERSTAND exactly what you are going through and how deeply it is affecting you. He might be able to brush it off, but you CANNOT.
Harsh? Yes. But above all, you come first. It is a living hell to always worry about what is going on when you are not around or what is said whenever he runs into her. Or if or when their attraction will be re-ignited. Or if she has a fight with her husband if she will be drawn to him again as a way of escaping the issues in her marriage. And what about you? What happens if he gets bored, or you both have a fight or she walks out in a particularly skimpy outfit one day? Don't you wonder what he is capable of? He cheated on another woman in the past.
It is not his ex wife's fault what HE did. He made the conscious choice to cheat and then blame her for her short comings as a way to justify the cheating. Well, if you ask me, lack of character that allows a person to cheat on another, is the greatest short coming of all. Ask yourself WHY was his ex wife so "demanding" or "lazy?" All you have is other people's opinions, not his wife's. You do not know her story. It is unfair to judge her based on a cheater's interpretation of her. Of course he will blame her because he doesn't want to look bad. Too late.
I always ask what makes a person behave the way they do? So your fiance cheated on his ex wife because she was demanding or lazy? What did HE do to contribute to her behavior? Women don't usually become a certain way after marriage unless the husband is contributing some sort of behavior which makes them act out. Your fiance surely had some blame in this and it is clear he has taken no responsibility for his own actions. What has he learned from that failed marriage? What has he learned about himself? Where did HE fail in that marriage? Has he changed, grown as a person? So that he will not repeat past mistakes? Has he had therapy? Just realize that if a person does not learn from their mistakes, they will repeat them given the right circumstances.
He is your FIANCE. I think you need to reassess your own level of trust in this man before you marry him. Your whole future is invested in him. I can tell you it will be a rocky road ahead because you know he is CAPABLE of cheating. Will you ever feel safe with this man? Will you be able to fully trust him? It will be an uphill battle and in the end, it may be a losing one. I know. I have been there. And I lost. I could not trust my former boyfriend who cheated on his wife to be with me. We were not able to form a healthy relationship. I was always pulling away from him because I was afraid he would cheat on me eventually. I lived in fear and anxiety and that is not the way one should live or conduct a relationship. I could not let go of the mistrust. I could not do it, with therapy, couple's therapy, meds, we tried it all.
I am sorry this situation happened to you. It has got to be tough. But you went in with eyes wide open. I know you must really love him but love isn't enough in the end. Without trust, love cannot blossom. Love will be eclipsed by fear and anxiety and all things which will destroy it. It will be suffocated.
Honestly, I would never trust his former mistress. She is another affair waiting to happen, when the time is right. And I would not trust my fiance either. He did it once. He can do it again. Whether it is with this woman, or another down the road. You have an uphill battle OP. I hope you are strong enough to withstand it and I hope he is WORTH it.
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