A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My husband and his ex-wife are going together to a school lunch for their son. Should I worry about her, she is a very manipulative person and I trust her as far as I can throw her. He used to give her whatever she wanted, I use to tell him that she was a very lucky woman because she has two husbands, the one she is married to now and sleeps with, and my husband who finances her. I just really need help with this situation. I feel so lonely when she gets around because she comes first and my husband even said that in so many words because they had children together, so she is above me. It makes me feel like crap and I don't know what to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2009): I think an awful lot of people out there will have had personal experience of this and will be able to relate to what you are saying. I have a teenage son and my fiance has a 6 year old with his ex wife. Fortunately we do not live together. This woman calls all the time , 5 or 6 times a day demanding money for things, there is a problem at the school, the child is ill, needs new trainers, the list is endless and I am right down the pile. It makes me sooo angry. I personally can find no way of dealing with this so am not sure how to help you other than offering my empathy. The thing with this is the wife is never going to go away while the child is in full time education and she is going to appear at weddings and functions for years to come. I have tried the don't let it get to you role but it doesn't work. My fiance's ex wife is always saying that everything is for the kid but in reality it's not, it's about her being able to wield some power over him because she feels bitter and resentful about their relationship breaking up. I met him a year after this all happened but it still goes on and I am drawn into it. Removing yourself from the situation and not asking about what is happening with the child ideally making yourself busy with work, spa or shopping during these meetings can sometimes work. Staying in and brooding while they are meeting is not a good idea. I have become very resentful over the whole situation and as soon as the ex wife and child are mentioned I yawn in a very bored way and make no conversation about it as if to point out to my fiance that he is on his own on this one. It does eat away at me though.
Your final comment about him saying that you don't come first because he has kids with the ex wife would not be something that I would be able to tolerate. You are a young woman and your life has hardly started. Do you really want to be with a man who speaks to you and actually thinks of you in that way. I don't think so.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2009): Hello there, I know how you feel as I have been in a similar situation only there were no children involved.The best thing to do is to speak to your husband about how you feel. His children should be his first priority but that does not mean she should be as well. Make your husband understand that a relationship is much like a boundary and there can only be two people within this boundary at any one time. Any more and there is going to be needless stress and anxiety ( e.g. you feeling like crap). Ask him why he feels he needs to support his ex (make sure he actually IS supporting her and not his kids, something he SHOULD be doing). It could be that he feels guilty for some reasons, perhaps he left her with the kids, or he had an affair or he just feels the need to provide for her as she is the mother of his kids. Finally, try to enjoy your life. loll I know random, but from previous experience I know who it feels to be second best to a phantom of the past. If you are anything like me you will be thinking of all the things he did for her that he doesn't do for you, all the things he COULD have said to her, that you wish he said to you. All these feelings and thoughts cause nothing but feelings of worthlessness and they can at times take over hours, days even weeks of your life. Don't let it. Go out, read, go for walks, do ANYTHING to stop yourself feeling this way.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (17 November 2009):
 Kids may come first while they are still underage but not the ex-wife. If my husband told me that I came second to his first wife I'd straighten him out quick, fast, and in a hurry. He's out of line. Time for you to chat about this.
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