A
female
age
41-50,
*onfusioncentral
writes:My life, I know, was needlessly complicated. I understand I made some very stupid decisions in my life and I am fairly certain they contributed to the lose of the love I actually treasured to preciously.(digestion version)I met him online and we were madly inlove. We had two perfect years and after that we got married. I moved over to be with him in his country after I finished University and was just looking forward to spending the rest of my life with him. He got diagnosed with depression. The sex life dwindled and my desires for him became a burden and stresser. He became further depressed when because he was always saying no to a lot of things I wanted to do, especially sex.The communication at this point was still good so I decided to suggest he go to therapy and we looked at alternative ways to keep pressure of him, but scratch my itch. It was actually his suggestion to open the marriage and I one day asked if I really could and he allowed me to. When I came home(i never did it anywhere near where we lived) he was furious. He didn't really mean it and it caused him to just spiral. I know now I should have just asked for therapy instead of going the progressive route. In his rage he made the decision to fly to another country for 3 weeks. I was devastated because it was a country I always wanted to go to with him. During the time, I knew he would sleep around and I was ok with that. Whats good for the goose is good for the gander. I was just more upset and angry he went there without me and didn't want me there. Smaller details that contributed to my spitefulness was a call i received from him and on the other end was a girl he had been talking to for hours about me(she was a hooker) and he was drunk. Somehow he thought this was his way to let me know he cared and loved me and was trying to let me in. I was just too silly and hurt and went out and slept with someone to somehow get even.I behaved badly those three weeks when he tried to talk to me. I was spiteful because I felt abandoned. I decided this is how he must have felt about me sleeping with someone else and decided when he came home I wouldn't give him strife for it. The day he came back I had the kitchen ready with his favourite meal and the floors trailed with rose petals spelling welcome home. A much more loving home coming than the one he gave me the first time round. Things for a year seemed to stabilise and I thought we were ok. After that things in the communication area just started to crumble and his depression just got worse especially due to his displeasure for his job and his role in life. This caused him to just have no interest in bonding the way we used to or could do. I thought I would just give him time and just look elsewhere for the attention I wasn't getting at home until he could. Trying not to pressure him because when I did ask for attention it seemed to make things worse for him.He then dropped me with a bombshell that he thought he possibly couldn't consider having children at all. This just left me in complete hysterics. At the start of the relationship I had told him I had wanted kids and asked if he did. He told me he did, but it turned out he was never sure he just said yes to make me happy. That it would just happen and he would deal with it. The depression being something he has had since he was young was a mask I was first interacting with and he was just giving me the answers he thought normal people would give. I cried on the phone for hours to my mother in law.I also took this very badly and was just constantly flip flopping on whether I could be with him with kids or without kids. I loved him unconditionally but struggled with my dreams just crumbling before my eyes. Again I thought it was just something I should give him time on to properly figure out. If it wasn't just the depths of his depression he was talking from. But it was taking its toll on me. Always seeing him sad, never knew what he wanted. I decided I would go be with my parents for a Christmas for some space and from this he decided to go to that place ... yet again without me... for a month. In fairness this time he asked if I wanted to go, but it was the busiest month of the year for work (couldn't go) and a family member on HIS side was passing away. I couldn't leave his family in that state and I worked for his family so they needed me there. After he came back, my welcoming was less than warm. I wanted to be, in fact I had plans, but the stress and hurt was still strong. So I left the house for space. I wanted and just needed some space to cool down.I then was ready to come back, but when I was hanging out with him and kinda implying I was ready again, he told me to go back. That it was too much for him mentally to deal with. I was just... upset. I wanted to go home, but again I decided to give him time and we suggested a break for a year. He would go and do what he needed to do to heal and I would go and do what I needed to do and come back healthier and stronger. This was also suggested in therapy that we finally went to.He was quiting his job he loathed and start a travel business. I decided I would go back home, get a job, go back to school for a second degree, live on my own and get strong again. That was the plan.I went back to my parents, got a job, enrolled back into school, but was in living hell living with my parents. I dont get along with them and what is worse, I found myself supporting them out of a financial crisis caused by the recession. So I was in desperate need of emotional support by my husband. So I flew over for our anniversary seeing by this time he was working two different jobs. I found out he was leaving that month and was hurt to find out he had no plans to see me before he went over the world. He left no time between when he left work and was away to work on his business. I was hurt but then decided to come back again that month one last time to see him before he went. Just in case you know?He then left and I went back to my parents and things with them were not good and I just missed him and home like mad. But the communication was just awful to the point of cold. He was shutting down to protect himself because if he did he would just become so uncontrollably depressed. But it led to him not saying he loved me or missed me and that left me feeling blue. He started to undercommunicate and hide things from me that he really didn't need to and that made me become paranoid and anxious especially knowing he had made friends with girls online in the places he was going to. Top that with the bad communication I was freaking out. Then I found the girls on his chat list. I never contacted any of them.I figured it was his private journey and he never wanted to know of my distractions so I tried to keep calm. We met up again one more time at our home because of a family function that needed to be attended and it was just for a day, but I felt such relief. I was so happy. After that I felt we had decent communications for 2 weeks, so I thought... Then I found out he was hiding his travel plans. I had no clue why. I was upset and it just melted down into a horrible mess of a conversation.We decided not to talk to each other without a therapist for the rest of the time he we were separated but it was very clear it was driving me insane. So we decided it had to be dealt with sooner than the year we had planned. That was this past Christmas. Before we met I found out he was meeting up with a girl in another country. He was being shady about it and again i never knew why. It was his shadiness that was my hurt and issue and he was always worried about my anger and reaction or if he would hurt me cause of the guilt he would feel... I was crushed.We met up this past holiday and it was of his opinion he was over. He was done and i asked for therapy and a real proper chance... Nothing. The whole time was also nothing but fight after fight after fight as I was finding out more and more stuff he hid from me... very IMPORTANT stuff like him having slept with a girl without a condom and having unsafe sex. I had been kissing him.. I never slept with him after his incident, but I wasn't even warned!!! I dont know who he is. I dont recognise this behaviour in him. I am so at a loss for what the hell happened. :( This was a cowards way out of a marriage.. I never imagined he would have treated me this poorly and disgraced our memories this repugnantly. I am just so unhappy. I know its over. I am trying to move on, but I am still inlove with him and it hurts so bad. I had such trust and faith in him. Gone. Do I just end things?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2013): He probably has a downward spiralling mental illness hence his behavior is so unrecognizable to you now. Mental illness if not treated adequately often gets worse with time and it sounds like that's what's been happening. This is too big for you to deal with on your own so don't try to understand him anymore just chalk it up to you never knew the real him and maybe no one does because the real him keeps changing. You will be ok. You're still young you have lots of time to find another man and settle down and have a family. Look towards the future and leave this unfortunate experience behind you. Its good you don't have kids with this guy so you can indeed kick him out of your life forever starting now.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2013): You're finding out the hard way that its impossible to have a marriage relationship with someone who is so emotionally unstable and unpredictable and secretive. Some people with unresolved serious depression are desperate for any respite from the depression and will turn to anything that provides a temporary high. Sex with new people is one such outlet because the thrill of having a new person find them attractive (whereas to him you're the boring wife who isn't anything new so you are not a source of a chemical high) is like a drug addiction. Its almost like he needs it to keep his depression away temporarily. Or course this doesn't make it ok. He should be seeking healthier ways to deal with depression like individual therapy and medication, not having affairs and hiding it from you. But he has chosen his path so its time you choose yours. You've already been a saint but you now know that you cant fix someone who is broken only he can fix himself. If he is not behaving like a marriage partner then he shouldn't be one. It sounds like he prefers to run away from problems and seek escapism rather than dealing with them head on. If you wont divorce him then you must emotionally detach yourself from him to protect yourself. But what's the point of being married then?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (9 January 2013):
 You have no choice but to end it. He had been slowly checking out the first time he asked for an open relationship. He was hiding under his depression. He's able to have sex with strangers because they don't have to know him while being his wife his real self has to come out. He loathes his real self and no amount of your love can change this. You still have feelings for him but if you choose to end it now it will hurt but you will feel a huge burden lifted. You will then have a new opportunity to have children with a different man. Just learn your lessons. Whenever a man mentions open relationships he probably is not the one for you, that's if you want a traditional marriage, where having faith in each other means being patient and not seek gratification else where.
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