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*AYE
writes: I love my husband dearly and we have been together for over 18 years. The physical attraction is still there even after all these years.However, for well over a year now, our intimacy is becoming destroyed by my husband's constant fantasising. This happens every time and involves the following;introducing a 3rd sometimes 4th person/always having to role play/dress up in latex or rubber,constant talk about fetishes or swinging, him fantasising about me with another woman or him with a male, setting scenarios about swapping partners...This talk always accompanies sex/voyeurism/me describing who is with us...what they are doing...etc etcI am fast losing my confidence as to how desirable I am anymore.It wouldn`t matter if it was occassionally but it is all the time.I am close to walking away from all this.FAYE
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female
reader, ann40 +, writes (15 February 2006):
Hi Faye - you know what? I could have written your problem myself - its really bizzare - i two am currently in the same situation as you - married 18 years and have a husband who constantly wants to fantasise aboout me with other men and i have to go into grafic detail aboout what they are doing to me - dressing up, videos, sex outside fantasising about me getting it on with someone else at work - taking dirty through txt - i have told him so many times that it does nothing for me and i too feel that i am not normal - would you hubby really go through with any of this or is it all just in his head? I have asked mine the same question and he reckons it is all just fantasy but im not so sure - i think he has made it into a fantasy becos he knows im not up for it - i think he would jump at it if i said yes - I don't know what advise to give you other than to make him fully aware of how degrading and unwanted it makes y ou feel - i have done this with my husband and it works for a little while - but then all men are different - his lastest one is me being the hooker and actaully offering me money for sex - i don't know about you but i feel he is having sex with a fantasy and not me - we cant seem to have sex without me dressing up or me pretending to be someone else - this has made me feel pretty down and i think i have indulged him for fear he may go off with someone else who would do it and willingly enjoy it all - you could suggest that he dresses up for you instead - i did it and suggested that he wears the stockings so that i can understand what kind of buzz he gets from me wearing them all the time!! I find solace in my friends who assure me that i am normal and it is him who has the problem - maybe you could do this if you have loyal friends who will listen to you dilema - I empathize totally and hope you find the answer - like you 18 years of marriage is a lot to throw away - I just want to be loved for who i am and not who he wants me to be - im sure you feel the same - take care Faye
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2005): Hi again, Faye. I am the person who told you not to have sex outdoors if you didn't want to! Just so you know, your answer hadn't posted yet when I posted mine. :-)
From the details you've added, he sounds extremely dependent on these fantasies. Some people are like that--they have specific turn-ons that they *must* focus on or they just don't get into the sex. But it seems like he's being insensitive to you and your needs. And I don't get something you said: "when he is home his needs come first." Why is that? That's not fair to you. I hope it's not a case where you believe your needs are as important as his!
I'm sorry to hear about your illness. I know it's hard, but please try not to put yourself down and give in to those feelings of inadequacy. HE's the one with the problem!
Good luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2005): Hi Faye. I don't get the impression that you've been totally refusing to go along with his fantasies, as a couple of respondents seem to have assumed. From your phrasing, it sounds to me as though you have been trying to indulge him (by listening to his fantasies and accepting them rather than just telling him to shut up). If I'm wrong about that, sorry for misunderstanding. I'm also assuming that if you had expressed no willingness to listen to his fantasies, he would have stopped telling you about them by now!
So, what have you been doing? Suffering in silence? Pretending to be turned on by the things that turn him on? If you have been going along with him and not telling him it turns you off, I think you need to start there. Not that you should tell him to stop completely--like you said, if it were occasionally, that wouldn't be so bad. But if he's doing it all the time, you owe it to him, and to yourself, to let him know that it's too much and it's not enjoyable for you. If there are certain things he keeps suggesting that you don't want to do, like including other partners, and you haven't made your feelings clear to him, you should tell him so he doesn't keep going on about it. As for stuff he wants to fantasize about, or stuff you are willing to do (just not so often!), maybe you could tell him that these things are fine with you, but that they aren't something you want to do every time--that they are more bearable--oops, I mean "exciting"--if they don't happen every time, in a predictable way, but are more occasional and spontaneous. And if you have any fantasies you haven't told him about, share them with him! See if he's willing to indulge you the way you've been indulging him! If he's not, or if he can't handle cutting down on his fantasizing, then maybe you'll need to think about splitting up. But I think you should talk to him about this first.
P.S. I didn't get the idea that he'd asked you to have sex outside, but if he wants to do that and you don't want to, don't!!
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female
reader, FAYE +, writes (26 July 2005):
Thank you so very much for your wonderful replies.i feel like i have support...your honesty is so appreciated...just to put you more in the picture i have an incurable neuerological illness which although makes me tired very quickly,i have never used it as an excuse.my husband works away and i take care of my children and am independant but when he is home his needs come first.
I am a christian but contrary to popular belief belong to a church which embraces the physical side of a relationship so i have no basic hangups there.
my husband buys me beautiful and sexy underwear...which i wear with no problem...neither am i prudish...i have done the sex in wild places,the agreed safe bondage even...the foodstuff,the erotic video watching TOGETHER...NOT HARD CORE but sensual. i have shown interest in tantra courses and have flirted and behaved sassy.
it is the constant hassling about the threesomes,the men with HIM and the having toALWAYS pretend there are others in bed that is throwing me...occassionally yes...CONSTANTLY in order to tip him over the edge...no.
For years he secretly went on porn internet sites til i found oout...it almost ended our marriage 18 months ago.
If he wants to buy me a dress..the underlying reason is to go to a club to see if i can attract a woman.If we go abroad it is with the notion of meeting another couple to have sex with...EVERYTHING just seems consumed by this desire of his.And that is why my confidence is going.I used to model so am not unnattractive i suppose [telling you this only so you know i still take care over how i look for him]I just have this disease to deal with and the fear that i am no longer adequate.I would just love him to see just ME in bed once in a while..am aching for that intimacy.
Thank you for caring.
love
Faye
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2005): Whoa...I do totally disagree with his suggestion to bring other people into your relationship (such as swinging, threesomes, foursomes, etc.) That is where you should draw the line.
But it might be a good idea to experiemnt with him a bit..just to have some good ole fashioned FUN! Many people feel nervous about any sexual activity that isn’t strictly missionary position intercourse in a bed. For some, it has to do with concerns about moral and religious beliefs. These are, of course, very important to those who adhere to them, and that should be respected.
For others, it is a fear of the unknown. Some so-called “kinky” fetish sex acts may sound scary to you, especially things like anal sex, tie-me-up sex, sex in a public place or role-playing sex that involves wearing costumes. People wonder: Is this okay? If I like it, does it mean I am weird? My response is nnooo.. If your belief system is not preventing you from engaging in particular sexual activities, it might be worth trying something before declaring that you don’t like it.
After all, if this is between consenting adults, it’s fine to want to try any sex act your husband (or you) finds exciting, as long as it is not physically dangerous (like having sex while you’re driving) or threatening to your relationship (eg: threesomes, swinging, etc.) Again-I disagree with 3'somes & swinging! Do not go there! That's going a bit too far out of the respectable boundries of committment. However, consider some of his other requests seriously — and, if you feel comfortable, going ahead with them — this will show husband how much you care about his feelings. This, in turn, will encourage him to care about yours, which can only make you closer and more intimate. If you are to overcome your reluctance to try something new, you must set ground rules. Make it clear that you must proceed slowly and take things step-by-step. If he wants to have sex in the park, do it first behind a leafy tree in your backyard in the dark. If he wants to do some role-playing, start with some light “let’s pretend” instead of rushing out to buy costumes.
Or you can watch instructional videos. There are all kinds of educational videos — not pornographic ones — that show you how to have all kinds of sex. Written how-to information, from books or Internet research, can also help.
And it might work to have a glass of wine to loosen you up. It can be fun, and good for your relationship, to be playful in your sex life! So, unless you have serious reservations, go ahead and give your husband’s idea a try. You might find it is enjoyable and your husband’s excitement may be quite exciting for you, too.
If there are no belief-system impediments, it can be good for your relationship to be open-minded about your sex life. If your husband wants to try something that seems strange, give it a fair chance before you make a decision against it.
Don't lose your self-confidence over this. The fact that he wants to include you in his sex play says that he loves you and still desires you. He just wants to spice it up a bit. Give it a try...and have some Good, sexy FUN!
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2005): Wow Hun, this is a ruff one. Do you love him? Does he love you? If you anwsered yes to both questions, then leaveing him is not an opition, you can't walk away form love because you'll always wonder what could have happened. I think that swinging is kind of wrong but if your into that then go for it. but it sounds as thou hes the only one into it, I guess you could give it a shot and see if it does ne thing 4 you, if not at least you can say sorry hun I tryed it's just not my thing, but you can always create new exciting things just for the two of you at home, whats wrong with being kinky in your own home. you must have fantasys all of your own see if hes up for trying urs out. I think it sounds as thou hes just bored in the bed room, doing the same ole thing year after year does get boreing. maybe by some new sexy lil thing you could wear for him and then take off 4 him, or try some whip cream or anything you never know, you just have to be alittle more open. but its completely understandable if you dont want ne one but him, i dont see the need to bring other ppl into the picture ither, if ur not enough for him then sucks 4 him,,, talk to him see what the problem really is, communication is the key, hun, good luck! PS: I dont know how u feel about porn but try one thats okay, he can look at other women and have you at the same time... its okay to look but not touch.. in my opition! WISH U THE BEST! 18yrs. is alot to walk away from. r there kids involved??? think of the kids if so.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2005): I would tell him how I feel, that its a turn off for you and your beginning to think youll never be enough to satisfy him. My boyfriend was doing the same thing and I stopped him or he would want me to tell of my experiences with other men while we made love, at first I told bits and peices real vague, then I would say I got nothing and afterwards say look: if I liked the sex with them and wanted to relive it theyd still be here and you wouldnt..That approach stopped him cold. Good Luck
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