A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:i don't know what to do!!! my husband and i have our problems but i think we argue more than anything. it has resently gotten worse. the other day he got pulled over for the third time without a license and i told him he isn't driving anymore. he didn't like that idea and when i would get out of the drivers set he got really angry and grabed me to pull me out when that didn't work he pulled my sweat and ripped it off in another attempt to get me out. now i have a bruise on my arm and neck. I love him and want him to get help for his anger but he doesn't think he needs to talk to anyone. I guess what i'm asking is if i should stay or if this is the begining of an life of abuse? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (15 January 2010):
 Dear Anon,
Your husband is definitely going to be the kind of person to abuse you later on in life. The thing that perpetuates this cycle of violence is temper, explosion, man denying he needs help. Repeat.
Like they do in all those movies, where the main character is at a fork in a road, I will paint a picture for you, involving the two paths you can choose to go down.
The current path- The current path involves a young woman choosing to believe in her partner. She forgives him knowing that hundreds of thousands of women forgive and go down a path of violence, humiliation, and pain. The years progress or the months progress and the violence gets worse. He starts punching her. At this point, *escape* becomes that much harder. He buys her roses and this seemingly kind gesture is actually designed to guilt trip her into staying. Finally, the woman and her husband try for a kid. Abuse continues throughout the pregnancy. A. The child is lost. B. The child is born into a world, unwillingly, the witness of violence against their own mother at the hands of their own father. The cycle does not stop and the boy becomes and abuser, or the girl becomes the one being abused.
The alternate path- The alternate path involves that same young woman choosing to believe in herself. She leaves him. She does not follow the same path whos end hundreds of thousands of new women know all too well. She braves the world that hundreds of millions of women are in every day. She braves the dating world whos path is rich with opportunity that is equally rewarding. She finds a man that will treat her with respect and love that she has given to him. When they get into an argument he does not hit her. If it gets physical it's done through damn good make up sex ;) lol. They realize their love for one another. They get married. This young woman loves her husband and says, I want to have kids. I trust you to through BOTH good and bad. I trust you not to beat me up or my kids up during the bad. The young woman has kids and they grow up to be wonderful just like their parents.
This is the choice that you are making right now as your read my response to you. If you forgive him you will be choosing life A, no exceptions. If leave him you will be choosing life B. There are fairytale endings everywhere. They are not just in the movies or the Disney cartoons. They are made in everyday life by everyday people who go after what they truely know is right for them.
PS
I hope you choose Life B. Happiness is worth the risk we all take when going down an unfamiliar path while we leave the familiar, yet damaging stuff behind.
A
female
reader, beentheretoo +, writes (13 December 2009):
Counseling, counseling counseling. This could be the beginning of you two really pushing each other's buttons and if he doesn't even think he has a problem... go to your sisters for a week or something to wake him up.
Keep your own cool and don't let anything he does make you react and become someone you don't want to be.
He sounds like he's a child and then when scolded, he's an angry child.
I'd say you really need to nip this in the bud immediately!!
He needs to have quick and clear repercussions for this type of behavior or you two are headed towards a very bad cycle.
It doesn't have to be that way but doing nothing and pretending it never happened and him never even admitting it was wrong... BAD news.
Decide what kind of life you want to live and if this man has what it takes to be your partner in the life you want.
Good luck!
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