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female
age
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*renke
writes:My husband is not interested in sex with me, no matter what I do, and, believe me, I have tried everything. He prefers unusual porn sites (women trampling men, women smothering men) and I have offered to do these things to him but he says he does not like these things; he just looks at these sites out of curiousity. I am beginning to feel old and very rejected. He falls asleep while I touch him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2014): I'm 33 and have been with my husband for 7 years. We have a similar situation. I love him but we haven't had sex in years. He secretly likes porn but is completely uninterested in sex with me.I'm tall, lean, and curvy, well kept and tightly shaven. I'm then ony one to initiate and am always declined. I found a man in a similar situation to my own and we have an amazing, gratifying, passionate, sexual relationship. I have a husband whom I love to do life with, and I have a married boyfriend that I love and get passionate with. My boyfriend and I wish we could have a physical relationship with our spouses, but since we can't we've found acceptance with each. I love my husband more every day, and am not hurt by his rejection. I love my boyfriend too just differently. My boyfriend loves me and also his wife. I'm not suggesting you cheat on your hubby. I just suggest you call it what it is and decide if you can live with it happily. If not then leave. If you can then stay. Or you could be just as unconventional as we are and go the polyamorous route;)
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2012): There is a lot to say. I am 47 and my wife is 53. We can have similar problems. I can share some blunt points of a man's view, if you have a stomach to read on. My wife is Chinese and she is beautiful and always was. Chinese girls adore and worship their mothers. Her mom was just an ugly old bumpkin but to her she was beautiful.Even her mother's youthful photos show she was not a pretty woman,just her mom. So, anyone would look at my wife and think, "wow man! You got it going on you know, in bed". But it's not true, because her mom taught her all her life sex was just for making babies and otherwise it is the filthiest thing she could possibly do and pleasing her man was not part of it. So, the truth is, when it comes to sex, I would really rather not. It's more exciting and easier to watch hot porn and take care of myself. At first she didn't mind because to her sex was so dirty and then after he menopause she discovered that part of it was acceptance and to feel loved by me her needs suddenly increased. All, the while being a university teacher, I have affairs with my students almost every year, some for the whole four to seven years they are there. Now she wants to begin to have more making love but do to her past upbringing and listening so closely to her mom and sisters, she still can't perform and now that I am older it just doesn't get that hard anymore other than with the young college girls. But their open and will do anything, but my wife won't. One thing I began to do to make up for her lack of skills was to run a hot movie while we had sex and since she really doesn't like much foreplay I would masturbate for awhile and we would watch the movie until it got really hot down there and then I would finish it off in her. But you know, after a a couple of years of this sort of therapy she broke and cried so hard and felt so rejected. I felt bad and sorry for her so I quit but the problem was back, I need a hard-on to do the job and she really does not understand how to do it. So, our sex life really does wain terribly and I still have a girlfriend who is 20 and very open and satisfying. I told my wife recently it is really just a thing of mid forties. When we were in our thirties, we married when I was 28, sex was never a problem back then, I could have my girlfriends and then go home and do it with her and it was always hard. Back then we watched porn on VCR but now, she doesn't want the porn, she doesn't want the foreplay and she doesn't want to do anything oral other than kiss a little but wants hard and ready for her, at my age it's impossible. I don't know why your husband wants to watch kinky stuff, but I like to watch the anal sex and golden shower videos, but really don't want to do that with her because she is my wife. I do them with some of my young girlfriends though, I guess because their different. If my wife really wants to improve our sex, she should consider letting me watch porn when we do it because men are creatures of eyesight and it gives that extra push I need for her because her skills are so poor in those areas. And lastly you know, my wife is beautiful like a television model. So many woman especially older are fat, dirty, ugly,and I know they can't always help that,but many woman; men too, need to look in the mirror and ask themselves,are they really all that or are the porn stars really more attractive and satisfying on and off the bed. I know at your age you cant look like Jenna Jamison, but you can still look good and let a hot movie run while he is doing it to you. It really might improve the sex more than you can imagine and you can watch it too, not just him. give it try and see if porn therapy improves your sex life with him.
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reader, mizzme +, writes (14 February 2010):
I have experienced this also my husband stays up late and watch porn. i have no problem with the porn watching but now we dont have sex that often so i can totally relate
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female
reader, zwinky  +, writes (15 January 2010):
men..u cant really understand them..they are so complicated creatures..my husband watches porn behind my back..and we hardly have sex coz of his selfishness. i feel so unattractive at times..i alwayz initiate sex..coz i know he will never do that..
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2008): My heart goes out to you. And thanks to DoubleM for his response--we need more men to take this stance.
I hate to advise people to leave a relationship, but I would advise that you lovingly insist he see a specialist in this field. You can accompany him if the specialist thinks this would be helpful. If your husband refuses or goes and then repeatedly relapses, then I'd advise you to separate and move on. Otherwise, the feelings of rejection can take a very strong hold on you and be that much harder to shake. You've got your own life to live.
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female
reader, thinky  +, writes (17 September 2008):
Sorry to hear... It might be helpful to try to have a through chat with him and explain your feelings. Just telling you that he's "curious" isn't really helpful to you. Presumably anyone who looks at porn does so out of curiousity.
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male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (1 September 2008):
 Although I firmly support and agree with the freedom of expression in America and most of the Western World, pornography is insidious and addictive. Under certain circumstances, it can change relationships and alter a person's behavior. This is possibly his problem, but you should certainly not allow this to make you "feel old and very rejected." The circumstances could drive you into depression. Psychological counseling may be the best next step. Please consider the option before the situation worsens. Best wishes to you.
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female
reader, Befuddled1 +, writes (31 August 2008):
 I'm going through the same thing....you are not alone. Look at my column and the advice I have received.Good luck x
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