A
female
age
41-50,
*hoenix5
writes:my husband watches gay porn and hides a dildo from me. we have been married 4 years and we have 2 kids. this has been happening off and on for 5 years. he does't know that i know about it. is he gay or bi? what should i do? i just moved across the country away from my family for him. i feel alone in this problem....please help!!!
View related questions:
dildo, gay porn, porn Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2012): I was married to a man for 20 years and had two beautiful children with him. I discovered gay porn a couple of times and denial set in. My friends finally had an "intervention" of sorts and told me he was gay and stealing from my business and addicted to pain killers and cocaine. I left that day, the day after Mother's day three years ago. Unlike other people posting, it was not a good marriage to begin with. My expectations of marriage were dashed good and often. We had sex twice a year, if that. He was cold as ice to me every day. We could never go anywhere in the same car. He would take my car and his keys, I guess so that I couldn't check up on him. He didn't talk to me or even answer me when I asked him a question. I used to look around the church, back when I attended with him and our two children. All the husbands would have their arms around their wives or at least propped behind them on the back of the pew. Let's call him "Dick". Dick would put his arm on the other side and lean away from me or plop a child between us. Every time he opened his mouth a lie came out. He now works with a boss who is very rich and married but purportedly gay on the small town grape vine. The man does Many things for "Dick", paying some of his debts, giving him a good job, fixing up an appartment for him over the business, and taking him on trips. So, yeah, I think the addiction to homosexual porn, in this case, showed a real live gay man who used me to try to have a "respectable" life and have children with. He loves children, and flower arranging and home decor. I'm with a great man now who loves my body and loves to touch me and talk to me and who makes me so happy. "Dick" is gay, though he still won't admit it.Let go of it if it's not working and you don't love him. The sooner the better, that's my advice for what it's worth.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2008): I'm a married man (15 years, 3 kids, etc.) and in the same position as your husband. When I masturbate my fantasies are 90% male, I look at gay porn, use a dildo, etc. I also love my sex life with my wife. She is the only partner I ever want, and sex with her is very satisfying. I hide being gay from my wife because of my own hangups, not hers. I have always been too embarrased to talk about it with her or anyone else. But I have never had or wanted a male partner -- it is only fantasy. I don't know if this is the case with your husband, but I think every relationship is unique.
...............................
A
male
reader, Rocket Man +, writes (10 August 2008):
I'm 51 and been married for 20 years and have two teen boys. I have bisexual interests but have not acted on them since my teen years. My wife know this and is ok with it. I know how to please her with a vibrator and she likewise pleases me with a vibrator. She bought me a cyberskin vibrator for our 20th anniversary.
I don't think he is gay or he would not still be with you. He has some bisexual interests and enjoys seeing man on man like many men love seeing girl on girl. Do you like girl on girl porn? Some women do, but that alone does not make them lesbian. My wife likes watching male on male with me. How about look at some yourself and maybe he will catch you and maybe have a vibrator or dildo in each hand.
Also, male on male is a common fantasy but it does not always mean the man is actually going to do it. Best of all work on communication and trust so he might talk about this when he is ready. I took me a while.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2008): I think it means that he has a curiosity about other men. Do you know if he chats with other men on line? I'm facing a very similar situation right now with my fiance' who actually sent nude pictures of himself to another man.... I hope your situation turns out okay. One thing that I have realized is that I need to figure out whether or not I'm okay with him having fantasies of men behind my back... He admitted it to me too! Anyway, the best way to get it out of him is to tell him that trust in a relationship is very important and that there are some things that we all do that we don't want anyone to know about. Everyone has secrets... This worked for me, so good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2008): I dearly hope that you have a good relationship in all other ways as you have been together for a significant time. I.m sure you do. Do you share a 'good' open relationship- as in you can freely share what you feel, desire, etc. My partner says he gets a thrill through me thinking it humiliating for him to be gay- his desire he says is through me. I get confused too as I openly do not think it is humiliating to be gay. I tried a couple of gay experiences/trials myself and know it's not for me and I don't judge. I don't want to be second fiddle to what I can't compete with or physically be though. You need to communicate your needs to him, I'm trying to mine, we have a baby and a two year relationship. I think relationships are difficult to work out. I know a mans 'sacred spot' - his g spot in his rectum about an inch an a half in( With a finger or such like, very lubed rotating gently towards his penis side)is as sexual for most men as our clitoris/g spot.- Some men don't know, or admit it if they do- as for fear of gay/perceived 'dirty sex'- vulnerability thoughts.- my man does - I need to get my head around my fears- as i don't think my man will be unfaithful in any way to me we share a really good relationship aside from my insecurity through his fantasies.(He's 49 by the way so he has had plenty of time to openly choose another pathway in life if chosen) I wish you peace of mind through careful communication, trust your instincts if you have not experienced too many bad trust experiences -and if you love him accept him once understanding -or carefully let each other go if you can;the has hidden this for so long though tread carefully he may deny everything to himself. best wishes and think of me too- you are not alone x
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2008): ok i am a male, and occasionly have 'bi' tendancies when i want gay sex. i have been with my current gf for 3 years, and love her very dearly. this doensnt mean i would ever cheat on her or anything like that, it is just a way of gaining sexual pleasure, using my imagination.
suggest something like using a strap on dildo or something on him, that way he could maybe furfil some of his fantasies, while not introducing another person into the relationship, which i feel never works as it brings up mistrust and jealousy
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008): if he watches gay porn that means he likes man as well_the problem is if he enjoys having sex with you or not....you should speak with him about it but keeping the calm.don't acuse him of anything , just say you want to talk about it.I wish you luck!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2007): its just a cheap thrill confront him about it
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2007): Your husband clearly has more than a skirting curiosity about gay sex. If he is a man, like most men, who values his masculinity above all else, confronting him will only induce anger and lies. I would assume that most men have a same-sex fantasy at some point, but will always lie about it to secure their masculinity.
Perhaps you could tell him that the idea of two men together turns you on, and you would like to have a bisexual threeway. Or you could corner him on the issue, pointing out the dildo, and gay porn on the PC. But this may be as dangerous as cornering a defensive animal. Try to goad him from his closet, by using trust as your tool. Find out what type of guys 'seem' to be his thing (via his porn) and buy a porn. Watch it, when you know he'll catch you... guage his reaction.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2007): well i dont think he wold be gey if he married you realy think about it if it realy bothers you then just talk to him
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2007): you could confront him and say i know about the gay porn whats it about and say im i not pleaseing you my looks, my attitude, if you find him in bed with another guy get a divorce and move back home dear cuz there plenty more fish in the sea trust me
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2007): There is nothing wrong with a married man who has an inclination for gay sex.
Sex is great and different for so many people.
Maybe he is trying to broaden his horizons, is there a way you can ask him?
Maybe during sex ask him if he'd like to try something new, a different position or something.
Really, it's about you being open minded and accepting his desires as normal.
...............................
A
male
reader, Karlos Omnis  +, writes (29 October 2007):
 If you don't talk about it, then you can't hope for the situation to resolve.
Lack of communication is usually the downfall of a relationship, so don't fall into this trap.
Bring it up in an unconfrontational manner and discuss the source of this interest he has.
Post back here if necessary when you've got some information from him
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2007): I believe that he has some kind of desire for men. I know men who love women hate to see or think of men kissing and having sex!!!! And he's watching it he likes it. How about you ask him in a nice way like would you ever wanna have a 3 some with another man? Or would you ever wanna try having sex with a man? He he says hell no! Like just the thought of it kills him.....he's lying cause you know he has tapes and if he felt that way he wouldn't be watching them. So if he says no! I think you know the answer to your question!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2007): He's addicted to getting the pleasure of ejaculation, that is all.Good luck
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2007): confront him about it, maybe he is trying to broaden his horizons, it doesn't nessecerily mean that he is gay or bi. If he is bi, then it shouldn't matter, as long as he loves you, then that's all should matter
...............................
|
