A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I recently discovered that my husband was having an affair. We have been married for 21 years and in the course of the affair being revealed I have found a multitude of other lies. There can never be just one! The other woman just happens to have been my best friend and coworker. The whole ordeal has been very difficult to say the least. The biggest obstacle that I am having to face is going into the office and see her everyday and have to deal with her on a professional basis. Its causing a lot of axiety and affecting my job. I dont even want to go into work. We live in a small town with very little employment options or I would find another job. I really just dont see how Im going to keep facing her and maintain a professional relationship at this point. I need answers and suggestions please!!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2010): Oh my goodness! I am not surprised that you are feeling anxious, or that you are dreading going to work. It's beyond awful to find out that your husband has cheated on you, but to have to face such betrayal from your best friend, and then to have to face her every single working day is just hideous. I can only applaud your tremendous strength and courage for turning up to work still, and for trying to maintain a professional relationship with this colleague. That takes tremendous guts and self-restraint.
Obviously, rebuilding trust with your husband in the wake of a bombshell like this will be very difficult indeed. A lot of the time, counsellors talking to couples in this situation recommend a break and a fresh start. However, in a small town where everyone knows each other, this is very difficult to achieve! I feel particularly bad for you because it should be the cheat who bears the burden of having to restore trust in the relationship, and who therefore has to make sacrifices to ensure its future. However, in this case, you are the one being forced to think about changing your professional circumstances because of the work relationship. That could easily generate feelings of extreme resentment - not only are you having to deal with infidelity, but you're having to reassess your job too. That's a hell of a lot to handle all at once and there's no doubt about the fact that this is all very unfair on you. I hope that your partner recognizes how impossible the situation is, and is willing to do absolutely anything it would take to set things right again.
First thing first, in the short term, I think you should tell your colleagues and boss about your circumstances and feelings. You should not continue to be placed in a situation where you have to see this woman every day, and the company should do everything possible to ensure that your professional contact with her is as limited as is possible. You have the right to work in an environment that is safe and healthy and clearly having to deal with the person your partner cheated with is not healthy! Also, utilize any resources that are offered you under the company's occupation health schemes - you may, for instance, be able to get counselling at work to help you to deal with the stress of all this. If you have paid sick leave, think about taking a few weeks off to reorientate yourself. Make sure you talk to your family doctor, too, and see if he can help you with techniques, or even medication, to deal with the anxiety you are suffering. As for dealing with this woman in the interim, I suggest absolute cold, steely professionalism. Don't criticize her, don't let any anger or upset show in any way, shape or form, but don't let a word that is unnecessary escape you either. Be civil, but also be distant, blank, and utterly uncommunicative at a personal level. Remember: you are the wronged party and that means you have the moral highground - YOU are in control of this situation! If you see her outside of the office (in corridors etc.) ignore her completely, as you would someone you didn't even know. Delete any social interaction you have, and if you have to collaborate, focus on shining professionally at the job at hand.
Secondly, in the longer term, think about whether there are positives that you can bring out of this terrible situation. For instance: how much do you love your job? If you can take it or leave it, this might be a chance to leave it and do something you find more rewarding. Maybe this is an opportunity to allow you to fulfil some long-held dream, or to better yourself in some way educationally? If financial circumstances permit, perhaps your husband could pay the bills for a while, enabling you to do something that will enable you to change direction completely. After what he's done, this is the least he can do to make reparation! The other good consequence of it would be that you might start to realize how multitalented and amazing you are as a person, restoring your self-confidence which must have taken quite a beating lately.
If you love your job and could never consider taking another, a further option would be to move away to a place where there was more similar work and more prospects for the pair of you. This does mean a lot of upheaval, and much depends on your personal circumstances (both emotional and financial). However, you don't have to cut all ties and emigrate! Sometimes, moving to a town that's a few tens of miles away can be as good as moving to a new country in terms of giving your marriage a fresh start. I know it's a big move, and it's not something to be taken on lightly, but again, if you've always wanted to live somewhere by the sea/in the woods/in the big city, this might be your chance.
I do think that it's important to stress how impossible this situation is for you, and how well you're doing just to be handling it on a day-to-day basis. That makes you a remarkable person. I hope you husband recognizes your full value!
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (20 July 2010):
If possible, speak to your boss, explain the situation and then try to get posted elsewhere in your company. They might move you, or they might well move her (which she deserves). If your bosses are any good, they'll understand and move you.
Other than that, continue looking for other jobs if possible and just have absolutely minimal contact. Don't talk unless you have to, don't say a word. Don't even look at her. But do speak to your bosses about it and explain the situation.
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