A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am pregnant and I found out that my husband and I will be having a boy. I am not excited because my husband wants to name our son after his father's name. It is a Lebanese tradition that the eldest son of the family must name his future son's name the father's name. My husband and I had huge arguments over this. I compromised for a middle name but my husband is being very stubborn about it. He says if there is one thing in this world that he wants from me is to give him that opportunity of naming our son his father's name in honoring his father since he is very close to him. I am not Lebanese and I do not follow this silly tradition. I am so hurt and feeling so confused. I will be the one giving birth to my child, I should have most authority into naming what I want my son to be named. I want a compromise but he will not meet me half way at all! I hate his father's name because it is a harsh name, it is not beautiful to me. If I accept the name, I will forever resent my in laws and my husband. But if I do not give in, my husband will be heartbroken. We are both not winning, I need help! I need advice. I dont know what to do!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2015): Personally, I cannot stand any form of patriarchy passed down through names. I changed my surname because I did not want the name passed down from a grandfather who abandoned his own son, causing him lifelong misery. Similarly I cannot stand it when men insist on naming any male child after another, elder male.
But that's just me. And there is no way on this earth I would've married into a tradition so strong, definitely not without first finding out about what it actually entailed. So, I'm sorry, I know what it's like to be in love, but if you went into this marriage thinking you could easily break a centuries old tradition - which is what your protests amount to - without some upset, then you were deluding yourself.
Then again, we all make mistakes - though yours is a pretty big one. I totally agree with the others that if you go ahead and name the child after the grandfather and then just consistently refer to him by another name, everyone including the child will grow up using that name. I think in the circumstances this is the best you can hope for, unless you want to break the tradition totally, which would probably involve you getting a divorce.
Me, I'd go for the divorce, that's how strongly I feel about male 'laws' like this. I absolutely abhor them. That said, I'd never have married into the tradition in the first place. But it's your call and I think the option given above and by others is the best you're gonna get.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (28 February 2015):
 You know, I don't believe in marriage power struggles, but giving your husband the thing he says he wants more than anything in the world from you is absolute marital capital.
I'd do it because I love him, but it doesn't hurt to have a bit of extra influence in your pocket some year down the line.
Trust me on this. I've been married nearly 17 years. Emotional change in the pocket is one of the greatest truths in a marriage. You give this to him, and it will pay off in mega-dividends. The converse is true too - a protracted fight on this one, no matter how it comes out, will also be a corrosion down the line.
Sometimes we have the power to give unspeakably tender gifts to our spouses. He will look into your eyes and know that you loved him enough to do this for him, not out of giving in or losing a fight, but as an act of great love and kindness. Like the others said - you will love your child, and the name will have a completely new meaning. Your love for your son will make that name beautiful, and any pet names that go with it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 February 2015):
 I'm with YouWish.
I don't think it's YOUR call to decide this name.
YOU chose to marry a Lebanese man. Whether you find his "TRADITIONS" silly or not. you need to have some respect for him and HIS traditions.
Let him pick the first name, you pick the middle name. Then you two (husband and wife) find a nickname that SUITS your son).
I made it clear to my husband that I had some rules about naming our kids. 1. they should be pronounceable in English AND my mother tongue. 2. they should NOT include any "unique" spellings. My husband agreed.
A child HAS to parents. Which means the DECISIONS regarding THIS child is 50/50 - that goes for picking names to.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (28 February 2015):
 Sorry, you don't have most authority in naming your child. You could, however, have chosen to not get pregnant by a Lebanese man if you find their traditions so silly.
Oh well, now it's been done. My advice is to STOP this silly fight. It's a name. Just a name!!! Let your husband have his wish, it is by far more important to him than it is to you, to me it just sounds like you're opposing this because you want a fight. Or just because you didn't get to have it all your way.
You can choose the middle name, you said yourself you were willing to compromise, so COMPROMISE. He chooses the first name, you choose the middle name. When the child grows up, it is totally normal to only address the child by it's middle name. That way, everyone is happy. You will not resent him, or anyone, unless you allow yourself to do just that. Be a big woman now. Your child will be happy with whatever name you choose. I think you only oppose this because you wanted to have a say in things/pick the name yourself. But you know what, age old tradition beats your wishes in this case.
You say you are willing to compromise, then YOU have to compromise. A compromise is NOT for you to ignore your husbands wishes, or for him to ignore yours. A compromise is for you BOTH to back off a bit, and give, and also receive. It means perhaps your husband can alter the name chosen, to sound more pleasing in your ears? Or perhaps you choose the middle name, and the middle name is the one you will use in daily life?
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A
female
reader, mrspiggy  +, writes (28 February 2015):
 I think its a 50-50 choice myself as you were both equal in the conception. You said you'd like to ccompromise, but your compromise seems to be you getting to name your child what you want and him not. Try the other way. He gets to name the baby after his father and you get to pick the second name. You can always use a shortened version of his name or use his second name. It's not something to resent anybody over.
I hope you work it out.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (28 February 2015):
 It's a little late to be having this argument now....
BUT... you're in to it... so you have to confront it....
IF his heritage sez to name to child after his Grandfather.... is that all so bad? .... so unacceptable? What is the Grandfather's name... such that you dislike it so? (OR, do you, maybe, not LIKE the Grandfather (your Father-in-law)... and THAT'S the source of your dislike....???)....
Anyhow... you and he will HAVE to put a name on the kid. IF he digs in his heels on the Grandfather name.... then YOU get to name the next kid... and - if it is a boy - I hope you get back at him by naming him "Mary".....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2015): not sure if this is any help, but maybe give a middle name you like and your son will end up being called by that? My boyfriend's first name is the same as his Dad and he hates the name, everyone calls him by his middle name and he even signs with it. If he is ever referred to by his first name I'd think 'who?' !
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2015): You have to give credit where credit is due. Yes you may be the one giving birth but you wouldn't be having that baby if your husband hadn't helped conceive it, so he does have just as every right to name the child as you do. Also the fact that you call his traditions silly just because you are not Lebanese is not a very good sign. What if you had a certain tradition in your family or religion that you followed closely and he called it silly? (Which you're clearly using in place of 'stupid' so as not to sound too harsh). Would you have the same respect for your husband if he said those things? Probably not. Like one of the other aunts stated, you're thinking about it too much as "my child" rather than as "our child." Until you change this mindset,you two aren't going to get anywhere with this argument.
Also you said "first child" so i assume you're planning on having more in the future. Maybe compromise by saying if he names this child, you get to name your second child.
Then you can both rest easy
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (28 February 2015):
 I know this type of battle rages in many families.The following are examples I'm aware of:(1)Italian mother/Malaysian Chinese father - the husband's father made it clear that he would be choosing the name. The father of the baby would not oppose his father out of respect for his father. Lots of tears and spats. But everyone melted and all was forgotten when the baby was born. Neither parent got to choose the name but they've got used to the name and love their son dearly.(2) (Greek Cypriot mother and Greek father.)The parents in law of the mother were adamant that only one name was suitable.The mother of the baby was utterly furious as she did not like the name. The Greek Orthodox priest utterly refused the mother's choice as ''unsuitable.''Looked like the mother had lost the argument.But she and her husband brokered a compromise for marital harmony.Thus the baby was baptised with the name the parents in law of the mother wanted in the Church.And the official civil registration of the birth had two names - first the anglised version of the name that is the only name all the family call him and his middle given name is the same as the name the parents in law wanted.(3) For my first child we decided to consult but my husband did not like my chosen first name for a boy.And I was ambivalant about his chosen first name for a girl.We did not know if we were having a boy or a girl.So we tried to go with a compromise.We each listed our top 5 favourite first names and our top 5 favourite middle names.Still could not find middle ground.So we laid out all the names of grand parents and great grandparents and great great grandparents. Male and female on both sides (his and mine)One name in particular stood out for a boy.So once the baby was born that name was chosen and everyone was happy.Both sides of the family felt we had honoured them.In your situation I think the solution chosen by the Mom of Greek Cypriot ancestry (detailed above) might suit you best. Discuss the situation rationally with your husband. The sum of the two of you together is far more important than a name that may not even remain the only name your son is known by in his life - if you and your husband can broker a compromise between the two of you. In any case if the child does not like their name they will likely encourage others to use a nick name.So Edgidio becomes EddieThus Stellios becomes RossThus Consuella becomes Connie or StellaThus Arimathea becomes Harry or MattA pregnancy is a highly emotional time.A battle of wills does not make for great harmony.It's small comfort now. Perhaps your own mother in law faced some of the same pressures when she was young.Families often try even harder in a ''new'' country try to hold on to old traditions. They don't want to lose the connection with the past. Even if you choose to start calling your baby ..... while your husband's family continue to call him ,.... Then over time both sides are likely to soften.A new baby is a highly charged event.But over time it will not seem as utterly crucial as it does now.You will come to love and adore your child utterly, no matter what.You will be a huge influence in your baby's life, as the mother of your son.Hope it all works out well for you and your husband and your precious baby.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2015): You both sound very stubborn!
How about if you let your husband have his wish, but you pick the boy's middle name, and then you can try and call him by the middle name?
Sounds better to me than resenting your husband forever...
You also have to pick your battles. IMHO this is not a truly important choice. Did you read Freakonomics? They tell the story about a man who named his first child "Winner" and his second child "Loser." At presstime "Loser" was doing much better and kept his name except that people called him "Lou."
Good luck with your baby!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (28 February 2015):
I disagree with you in that because you're giving birth, you should have more authority. You have authority over everything to do with your body, but once your child leaves, he's his own person. Both of you will be equally engaged in raising him. The authority should be equal.
If it were me in the position and my husband felt this strongly in a name for his son, I'd give it to him and devise a nickname for him or a pet name I'd call him. Our president was born under similar conditions, Barack Obama, name passed down from the father, who grew up with the nickname "Barry" his whole life until he grew older.
You should also be used to calling him "our son" rather than "my son". You're focused on what you'd resent in the name, but how could you resent a loving father, who loves his son so much that he wants to pass on the one legacy that means so much to him? You'd honestly see your husband, sharing in the first smiles of his baby son, and resent him?
I understand how you feel. I think there are other resentments at work when you call your husband's traditions "silly", but that's for another post.
You married a guy, traditions and all, and Lebanese men name their sons.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (28 February 2015):
 Your son will be the one choosing what to do with his name. If he likes it then great. It is not uncommon for people to either legally change their names when they grow up or tell people they go by another name. I am sure Lebanese people have pride in their language and history. They do not find that name harsh. Unless his name is Harshdeep (I am sorry Indians I am sure in your country is a beautiful name.) By the way naming a baby after a grandparent is not just limited to Lebanese. It's every where except in Asian countries it's not that common.
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