A
female
age
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*ouisejones
writes:I'm going to try to make this as short and sweet (ahem) as possible. I'm also going to ask for no slaughter type replies, as my self esteem is shot, and I obviously have many issues...(you will see why). I'm a 44 year old woman, married for 18 years. In the past 4 years I've had an addiction with online personals, meeting men, sleeping with some of them. I fell in love with the first 'player', as I've found that most men on Lavalife, etc... are there for the game, as I guess I was. However, I did fall in love with him and it ended about 2 years ago. My husband has never found out about any of this until lately. He's an alcoholic, as am I, but I binge drink, stay sober for months at a time. His drinking is of a much more regular nature. We met in AA way back when and were sober for many years. He started drinking 4 years ago, me 3. I didn't know he was drinking when I started this online obsession. Anyway, fast forward 4 years, declining relationship - and me still doing my internet thing. I met a guy about 6 weeks ago, who I fell head over heels for. He's of course a 'bad boy', tuff biker type etc... My husband and I had decided to divorce, and of course this sounds like a justification, but I had sex with Mr biker right away. Mr biker figures that since my husband is still in the house, that is too close for him (he had a friend shot over a similar situation) and cut off all correspondance with me. In the meantime... since my husband and I were getting divorced, I needed to get rid of some of the poison in my soul, and told him about the 'affair' of 4 years ago. Well... a few days later, he decides he wants to remain married, forgive me and return to AA. I'm floored.. very confused. I thought ok, maybe we can do this. I'll stop doing my internet garbage, and just carry the pain of this mr biker dude. (I was seriously convinced I wanted him to be the one and only... ya right he's still on lavalife, in the intimate section no doubt). So .. 2 weeks ago, I hook up an old computer with the old windows version and my husband gets into my email account and see emails between me and mr biker. One of the emails stated that I was upset that we had slept together since he ended the relationship right after that basically. Well, you can only guess the storm that ensued, and rightly so. I am now a shamed and sinful woman, I have no qualms about that. Here's my dilemma, .. my husband, still wants to forgive me and go to counselling and work on our marriage. I know, an angel - he is. But I'm not sure...? I don't know if I can get better.. (out of my addictions) if I stay in the marriage. I'm still obsessing like crazy over mr biker.. and I also know that I need to change and love myself first. HOw do I decide about my marriage??? How do I quit obsessing and fantacizing about mr biker?? crazy I know... I pray and it does help. But if there's a magic wand, or any similar experiences, I would appreciate your words.
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alcoholic, divorce, fell in love, self esteem Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2007): my thoughts and prayers are with you!! I wish I could help you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2007): Its very hard for a marriage to work if you won't work at it, you know like you plant a plant and won't water it, it will die eventually. First of all, ask yourself who you really love. Question 2: who loves you truefully? If you're in love with mr biker and still stay in this marriage you'd be living a lie just to make up for the horrible mistakes you made in this marriage. Think about what YOU want first ok and who will make you happy in the long term.Sometimes affairs happen because the 'sparks' have died in a marriage, if you can't save your marriage and the love has died then, that probably means that a new relationship should begin, especially as you are head over heals in love with your Mr biker.
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A
female
reader, Louisejones +, writes (18 November 2007):
Louisejones is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwow, Thank you for your comments so far, all of you. I am sitting her sighing this morning over the consequences of my actions. I need to clarify a couple things, not justify, just clarify. My husband is not a happy man, he's full of rage, anxiety and ya, it is hard to live with. It's up to him to seek his own help tho. I've been his surrogate mommy for many years and know enough about alanon to know better. I also know that that my faith in a Higher Power has to remain strong through this time. We are both going to counselling separaely. And we went last Friday to joint counselling. I definately need to stop my skanky behaviour, I do know that. I feel needed/wanted loved for a few hours then of course the rejection hits. Mr Biker hurt me bad, so of course I feel a challenge to 'win' him over. Would I be happy with him,... like noway. He's like the men I've had in the beginning, abusive but high excitement, risk.. and that's an addiction all on its own. Mandy, I want to thank you for your empathy. I really need it badly. I'm very hard on myself. It's such a blessing to know that there are people just out there randomly to take the time to read about people and care in their own way. Thank You. Anonymous, thank you too... for making me realize that I won't always be a hot 44 jaguar...but I do disagree that my current husband may be the only man to love me. Yes, I'm 44 and I know that there's always love to be had out there. your 24 and you'll know the same at 44. But I do, need to love myself first. And rcn.. I loved the "Making a change only takes a second, it's working up to making the change that takes a while." Hit me hard. I am on Prozac and will look into the other med you mentioned. Many hereditary factors here. In the meantime, I'll wait to see if the rages my husband have disipate, and if he stays sober. I'll focus on loving me, and my girls. I will also watch to see how my husband speaks to me, and I to him. Thanks so much again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2007): Hi Hunny,
Your in a mess and I dont mean just your marriage, You as a person, Your self esteem must have been at rock bottom for a very long time love.
There just has to be more to this than just going on line to feel better and meet men when you have one, Hunny it makes no sense, Inside you must be hurting like crazy about something, Filling a void with drink then filling a void with men, Im definatly not going to be nasty to you in anyway as I feel you have to speak to someone not only about this but about anything that could have led up to all of this as a whole.
I really feel for you, You have so much to think about here but what you need to really concentrate on is you sweetheart I understand your husband wants you to work things out but do you really, Thats not ment in a horrible way its just that you still have someone else on your mind as you said and it seems to me ( I may be wrong so I will stand corrected) that your searching and searching for love, But the very first place to start is within and you dont care very much about yourself at all from reading your post, thats the help you need as well hunny.
Living with an alcoholic is very hard and can be very lonely I no you said you have a problem here as well and that is how you met, this must be hard to deal with as well, There must have been past issues that maybe you havent faced yet.
If you want your marriage to work then yea counselling may help, But I really feel you need to get help for your confidence and build up your self esteem to be able to love and care about another we have to love and care about ourselves if you need a chat im here please take care with love MANDY xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2007): You have two choices here.Either cut out you skanky, cheating ways. Fix your relationship with possibly the only guy you've met that actually cares for you beyond sex. And of course seek counseling.Or don't. And eventually, and inevitably, lose said man and go on with your empty sexual conquests.Have you ever thought of what you are gonna do when you are too old for any guy to WANT to have sex with you? Not one of of your conquests will take you in, I guarantee you.Dig deep, you are old enough to know the answer to this yourself. Flynn 24
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reader, rcn  +, writes (18 November 2007):
 So you're not sure if you'll be able to change, or you don't want to change? Your husband really is a good man to put up with what these behaviors put him through. He's willing to stick with you for counseling. I'd take him up on that offer. He'd be a good support system if you decided to make changes.
Making a change only takes a second, it's working up to making the change that takes a while.
Two questions for you: When you wake up and go about your day, how do you feel about yourself? When you are seeking the affection of these other men, how do you feel about yourself then?
You mentioned in the beginning your self esteem is shot. I think you're seeking affection from these other men as a method of coping with having a low self esteem.
I think the both of you need counseling, separate and together. Reading this, I could almost feel the huge amount of pain you're living with. Can you change? I think so. When you go to the doctor ask them to give you a medication. I can't remember the name of it off hand, but it's a neuro blocker. It sounds as if between the drinking and the sex, you have an addictive personality. What this medication does is it blocks the neuro transmitters that activate automatic addictive behaviors. This may be needed for a short time while working on the issues that are causing these destructive behaviors.
I wish you both luck and I hope if you do end up parting ways, you do so as the new you and not the you that your living now. Take care.
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