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female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: I have a sex question.My husband and i have been married 5 years and our sex life has declined a lot.We have sat down at long last and talked about it, which was good...But what came out of it, is now a bit of a problem for me.This happened over the course of a few weeks. But eventually my husband came out with the fact that he is struggling to get aroused these days. And the only thing that helps him, is if he imagines being dominated by a woman. But now even his imagination is not enough, and he would really like me to be dominant in bed. Also a bit of S and M.Our relationship has been good so far. He is good with the children. It has only really been sex that has been lagging.But for me, I like the man to take charge. Esp in the bedroom. I feel very feminine when this happens, which leads me to be able to let go and enjoy. Happy that a strong man is in charge!Now my husband wants to be dominated! I was taken aback by this, but since he was willing to be so open, i have tried to do as he wish... He wants me stand on him with high heel shoes and to tie him up. Also to grip his privates until it hurt. Boy it felt awkward! And I really disliked it... It did nothing for me! Infact, i felt a bit repelled...We have tried alternating. Him in charge and next time my turn. But he seems to be very in tune with how i feel, and have picked up that i did not enjoy dominating him. He said it is fine, we dont have to do it anymore, because he cant enjoy it anyway, if he knows that i dont enjoy it. I wish i could like it! For his sake!Sex has once again petered out to once every 2 months (sigh). What am i going to do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2009): If you want some ideas for some harmless B and D or S and M, try toys like these. then you don't have to worry about doing any real harm. Handcuff him and spank his butt with a leather paddle instead of risking making him impotent. I don't know about your hubby, but my wife squeezing my balls until my eyes pop is not my idea of fun.
http://www.cduniverse.com/productinfo.asp?pid=6658207&style=atoy
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http://www.cduniverse.com/productinfo.asp?pid=6680849&style=atoy
http://www.cduniverse.com/productinfo.asp?pid=6834987&style=atoy
P.S. You might have to cut and paste the links to get the right page.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2009): I'm in the same camp as Basschick. There is sex and there is lovemaking. When my wife and I have more wine with dinner than usual then sex is only about sex that night, normally all over the kitchen and living room. Even on a normal night or morning in bed, the sex and love making are separate. We concentrate on the raw enjoyment of sex during the foreplay and intercourse. The lovemaking comes before and after when we cuddle, kiss and look into each others eyes. The lovemaking is when she lays her head on my shoulder after sex and I just hold her and kiss her forehead and we sometimes fall asleep that way after perhaps 20 or 30 minutes. That is where the lovemaking comes in for us.
We also participate in a little B and D, but not to the extent that he wants to. More like fur handcuffs and some spanking. Things where there is no risk of serious damage. Some of what he likes sounds like it could do some real harm.
I also like a woman to be dominate at times, but none of my girlfriends were in the past. One was to a small extent and my wife has learned to be so on occasion. Things like pushing me on my back and jumping on top and that sort of thing. She also likes to initiate sex by giving me oral. Things like that make it more fun than just me initiating all the time.
I think that anything is fine with sex, as long as both enjoy it to some extent, or at least don't hate it. Sometimes both partners need to do things that they don't particularly like, but don't hate either. It's a give and take. I would be careful about doing things that can do physical harm if a mistake is made. Spanking too hard will just result in a slightly bruised butt, but pain to the genitals can result in nerve or blood vessel damage and that could result in a real problem.
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female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (16 August 2009):
 Well I personally think sex should be less about love and more about the raw element of pleasure. Women tend to think in terms of "love-making" which is alot of slow kissing and romantic soft talk, and that just bores most men to death (and some women). I think it should be more naughty than nice! It may take some practice on your part to get in touch with your inner-diva, but if you can get out of your sexual shell, you could have the time of your life, and instead of your husband looking for the thrill outside his marriage (because he might at some point) you will become his every sexual fantasy. Think about it like a movie star. You are preparing for a "role". Buy the slutty nightie, put on the high heels and the makeup and just be someone else for awhile. It's role playing. You show a different side of yourself at work; You show a different side to your kids; You show a different side to yourself with your friends, why not be a different person in bed? It's breaking the boundaries. Hopefully it'll be enough to satisfy him, and he won't keep pushing you to do wilder and weirder things. I think it's okay to alternate the love-making with naughty sex-kitten sessions so you both get what you want.
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female
reader, \m/J.D\m/  +, writes (16 August 2009):
 you dont have do anything you dont feel comfortable doing, as he does not with you, you obviously want to be more dominant with him so why not do it in different ways like when hes at work send him a text DEMANDING he come home on his lunch and take you there and then, when he comes in and goes to talk hush him grab him by the tie and lead him around, order him to do things to YOU. its fun i promise you, your still being the dominant one without doing all the work, hehe tis fool proof :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2009): Only some women can do bondage and discipline. Tying some-one up, huring parts and standing on some-one with high heels is bondage and discipline. Also known as B and D. So that's more than taking turns of dominating. It's going into a psychological area. It's like only some can do anal. Sexually, he is expecting way too much from you. This is not the normal style of sex. This is like a speciality.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2009): I think it's great that you was willing to give it a try. But if you are not enjoying it, then it doesn't seem to be the best way to go.
Maybe you could try and find some sort of middle ground? He says he wants to be dominated, but perhaps standing on him in heels and causing him pain is a bit too extreme for you. Is there any way you could try being more dominant, but only up to a level you feel comfortable with?
Maybe you could try wearing a dominant outfit. Or perhaps you could try taking a bit more of the lead in the bedroom, maybe by telling him what you want him to do, and he has to "obey", if that makes sense. He will still be being dominated, but it might be a little bit more comfortable for you to handle than what he initially suggested.
But if you really can't enjoy it at all, then I think you should explain that to him, and both of you could try and find some other ideas of ways to get things back on track. There are books out there which can offer suggestions, and I'm sure there are probably a lot of information and suggestions on the internet too. It could be that trying something a bit different might spice things up a bit, something which isn't related to dominating/being dominated. Good luck! x
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2009): Damn, you guys jumped in with some hardcore **** right away. No wonder you are so uncomfortable. It sounds like bed has become a stressful place, which is always going to kill the romance. Sex is supposed to be fun.You guys need to lighten up. Get the fun back. First I think you need to agree that both of you will ONLY do what's comfortable to you. Smack him around a bit in the kitchen with a spatula and tell him what a bad bad boy he is (when he's not expecting it). Collaborate on coming up with some fantasies that get you both off. Maybe you can be a dominatrix who orders him to defile the virgin princess - or else. Then you can play both roles. You can leave domineering notes for him in his briefcase... then be the damsel in distress when he gets home. Whatever you do... stop stressing about it. It has to be fun.
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